Broken in Brief: Dick LeBeau's human trafficking ring exposed

PITTSBURGH—In a shocking blow to the NFL, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and international crime, today the FBI and INTERPOL announced the arrest of Pittsburgh Defensive Coordinator, 2010 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee, and inventor of the fire zone defense, Dick LeBeau, for crimes relating to human trafficking, slavery, prostitution, smuggling, drugs, and organized crime dating back almost four decades.

“Today we announce the arrest of an evil man who has evaded justice and flaunted his disrespect for the law over these many decades,” announced lead investigator Herman Lizewski, who has led the joint international investigation for the past three years. “No longer will the world have to fear his brutal commands, the misery he inflicted on the lives of millions, or the smothering pressure of a zone blitz.”

According to INTERPOL, LeBeau took over the reins of the Black Hand of Death Triad shortly after his retirement as a player in 1972. From then on he moved the Black Hand beyond mere heroin trafficking, eventually conquering the East Asian prostitution game, as well as staking out a large part of a worldwide kidnapping and slavery ring.

In recent years, LeBeau and the Black Hand have been said to expand their efforts into America, primarily in the human organ smuggling and high-end prostitution rackets. They first came to national recognition in 2008 when they were linked to the murder of two Bayport teens acting as amateur detectives.

While no official statement has been made from the Pittsburgh Steelers, sources within the team say that everyone is “Shocked, saddened, and dismayed” to learn of the allegations. Steelers fans were more forthcoming with their views.

“Man, the hits just keep on coming,” observed Johnny Pakuszewski of Blawnox. “First Ben beats his rape charges but in a way that makes him look like an even bigger scumbag then had he been convicted, then Santonio gets busted for throwin’ a glass at a lady and gets traded for nothin’, then the gruesome details of Ben’s case get revealed, and then Willie Colon gets re-signed for another year. All in the span of a week. Now this.”

“Eh,” Pakuszewski nonchalantly remarked. “Even with this LeBeau business, this is still a better week for the Steelers than last week.”