Monday, April 5, 2010

Diplomacy is for adults

The dance of diplomacy is a complicated one in which there is much give and take in a relationship over a long term in order to produce a mutually beneficial result, usually centered around trade or us bombing a third party. On the other hand, with Venezuela, sometimes diplomacy is just a dance of childish mockery, petulance, and schoolyard antics. Chavez calls us some form of a devil, we call him a cheap despot, he tells us to stop using our earthquake machine on Haiti, we tell him that we regret ever showing him the earthquake machine, he claims we killed off all the bigfoots, and we mock the poverty and instability of his country.

Essentially he uses any opportunity to launch himself, Wile E. Coyote style from a large slingshot, into any situation dressed in full clown makeup. We in turn respond by mocking him and pointing out the poverty of his country and, if the mood suits us, by trying to overthrow him.

For instance take the recent state visit to Venezuela by Russian PM Vladimir Putin. While there to compare notes on what it's like to never have to leave power, Putin expressed support for Russia helping Venezuela achieve a particular goal of theirs. Namely launching Hugo Chavez, or perhaps some other Venezuelan, or perhaps space tourists into orbit. Because Hugo buys so many weapons from Russia, $4 billion worth at last count, not only is Russia going to help Hugo build nuclear plants, they're going to help Hugo set up a space launcher and factory. Why does Venezuela need a space program? Only the mind of Chavez knows. But America was quick to reply with a Chavez sized dose of international snark.
Phil Crowley, a spokesman for the US State Department said the two nations had the right to pursue relations with whichever nations they chose but he questioned the South American country's priorities.

"I think in the meeting there was some suggestion of space travel by Venezuela," he said.

"We would note that the government of Venezuela was largely closed this week due to energy shortages and to the extent that Venezuela is going to extend resources on behalf of its people, perhaps the focus should be more terrestrial than extraterrestrial."
After that, Crowly reportedly extended his hand, dropped the mic theatrically, and waved his hand in front of his face yelling "FACE!!!" while head of the Bureau of Western Hemisphere Affairs, Assistant Secretary of State Arturo A. Valenzuela, yelled "You just got dealt on, Hugo!"

As of yet, Venezuela has not yet responded to getting diplomatically sizzerved. But when Hugo gets out of the library after researching some epic conspiracy that was heretofore unknown that we caused/controlled/covered-up for our benefit/South America's detriment/so as not to reveal how weak we truly are, we'll bring you the details. I'm betting it has something to do with mer-people, Atlantis, and just when the CIA commissioned El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo.

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