Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Our Betters: The Vice-President hosts an international gathering


Secretary Clinton: Mr. President, while I appreciate the steps you’ve taken to neutralize his involvement in the Nuclear Security Summit, I’m still a tad wary of what you’re allowing him to do this afternoon.

President Obama: I understand your concern, Madam Secretary, but think of how it would look if we didn’t have one of the Unites States' most experienced foreign policy hands involved in these meetings? Rahm here has assembled a list of low-risk dignitaries to distract Joe while we handle the big dogs. Everything looking OK with Joe, Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel: I’m not vouching for a goddamn thing that man does. He requisitioned a large grill, copious amounts of charcoal and lighter fluid, and a meat slicer. I saw the carnage coming from a mile off and that’s why I’m over here with you. That shit is Axelrod’s problem now.

Obama: I wonder if David is familiar with White House fire drill protocols…


Senior Adviser David Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, thing are all set for your Summit Luncheon. We’ve built the fire pit, gathered the assortment of various rare and endangered meats you requested for grilling, and have built the sandwich station so that you can make everyone your signature... (sighs)... Bidenwich.

Vice-President Biden: Twelve kinds of deli meat, Davey-boy! Whiz wit! Plus lettuce, tomato, onion and my signature Biden sauce. Two of the ingredients are dijon mustard and miracle whip. If you want to know the rest, you'd better have some sharp knives and the will to use them! I’m thinking the occasion calls for some sort of extra spicy nuclear hot sauce, you know, to get people thinking about the dangers of proliferation.

Axelrod: Whatever. For now, we need to move to the photo-op area so the press can get some film of you greeting the dignitaries as they enter your Summit Luncheon and--

Biden: Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast!

Axelrod: (clears throat) Yes, your Summit Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast. Just shake their hands, pause for a few seconds, and let them move on.

Biden: Pressin’ the flesh, meetin’ the people. This is literally what I was made for.

Axelrod: Fine fine. You did memorize their names, right? Remember last weekend, with the flash cards...

Biden: Forgot them the second you left. No problem, I’ll just wing it.

Axelrod: In hindsight I realize this is exactly what I should have expected. Christ, here’s the first one now.

Biden: Hey pal! How the fuck ya doin’?

Chilean Foreign Minister Alfredo Moreno: Uh… not bad. Let me say how humbled I am to be included in this important world summit.

Biden: Fantastic! Look... you… guy. We’re just tickled that you could make it. You and whatever country it is you represent are critical to doing whatever it is we’re trying to do with nuclear weapons. So come on in, man. Kick up your feet, we got brews on ice. Dos Equis! Eh, eh! Just get your drink on and I’ll be back in a few to grill up some ostrich burgers. You ever eat ostrich?

Moreno: Can’t say that I have…

Biden: Damn, I thought you were from an ostrich country. Fuck it, just chill out, relax, chillax. We got lawn darts, bocce ball, the whole nine!


Biden: This guy! This... this is the guy right here!

Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboulgheit: My great thanks for extending an invitation to my nation.

Biden: No problemo, my man! How could we do this without... you!? You’re the guy, man! I'm guessing you're a big grilled-meat-on-a-stick person?

Aboulgheit: Sometimes. It is a popular dish in my country.

Biden: Fuckin’ nailed it! Scamper on back to the grilling area. I think you’ll find it’s a goddamn Turkish delight back there. Big hunks of rare meats on claymores roasting over a fire the size of the Lincoln Memorial.


Biden: NAJIB! You old pig-fucker! Bring it in!

Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak: Joe-Joe Dancer, you ornery son of a motherless goat! How have you been? I haven’t seen you since…

Both: The 1994 UN Summit in Kuala Lumpur!

Biden: Hell of a goddamn night! I remember waking up shoeless in a ditch on the side of the road with Boutros Boutros-Ghali puking into a hyacinth right next to me. I tried to call you to come pick us up, but…

Razak: I was passed out in the Imperial Garden of the Seri Paduka Baginda Yang di-Pertuan Agong! Without any pants!

Biden: HAW HAW HAW! I still don’t remember most of that week! Shit, get your ass back to the grill pit. We'll get shitfaced and play Pai Gow… if you can keep your dong in your pants!

Razak: You know how I get when I drink in the sun! No promises, you son of bitch.


Biden: President Jintao, what an honor it is to meet you again.

Vietnamese Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung: You must be mistaken; I am the Prime Minister of Vietnam.

Biden: My mistake... Hey, Charlie don’t surf! Glad you were able to get past that whole "us turning your country into a charred crater" thing behind you and join us at a nuke summit.

Dung: Well thank you, we take the issue very--

Biden: Hey, you know what rhymes with nuke? Goo--

Axelrod: Mr. Prime Minister! Right this way, please. The luncheon is out back.

Biden: See you at the cookout, Dung. Hell of a last name. Hilarious.


Biden: ...President Jintao?

Indonesian Vice President Boediono: …No. I must say the tales of your personality and demeanor hardly do you justice.

Biden: Phenomenal. Thanks for the kind words. I gotta say, I was a little worried about today. I‘ve just been in a funk recently. I thought I was raking it in. Cleared $300k+ this year. Then I go and find out Barry pulled in $5.5 mil last year. He’s literally half may age! It’s goddamn depressing. Good to hear that I’m masking it well.

Boediono: Well, as they say, money doesn’t make you truly happy.

Biden: They do? Huh. Wisdom of Confucius I guess. Lemmee tell you what I’m gonna do special for you. Your Bidenwich is going to have the salami sliced extra thin! Just for you.


Biden: ...All... right... yeah... shit, fuck it. Another one? You’re not Hu Jintao either, I’m guessing. What godforsaken country are you from?

Thai Deputy Prime Minister Trirong Suwankiri: I’m from Thailand.

Biden: What? Do you even have nukes?

Suwankiri: Not as such…

Biden: What are you doing here then? What could you possibly be doing for nuclear security?

Suwankiri: Well we consider it our duty to stop prolifer--

Biden: Thailand? Thailand? This is what I’m reduced to? Where’s Gordon Brown? Where’s Sarkozy and that hot piece of ass he walks around with? Thailand?

Axelrod: Please excuse the Vice-President, he’s under a great deal of stress. This way, sir.


Biden: Thailand? Can you believe this shit, buddy?

Saudi Intelligence Chief Prince Muqrin bin Abdulaziz Al Saud: I… uh… ooh… awkward. This is a most uncomfortable situation.

Biden: I’m Joe-fuckin'-Biden here. I’ve been on the Foreign Relations Committee since Lincoln was in short pants and the best I can do at a nuclear arms summit is a country whose chief export is transsexual whores? After the spread I set out? I bow hunted an elk myself…

Al Saud: I think I’ll just let myself out.



Nigerian Acting President Goodluck Jonathan: I’m not sure I get the reference…


Jonathan: No, I’m the Nigerian President.

Biden: Fuck! Nothing is going right today. I assume that unless the world has turned to real shit, Nigeria doesn’t have nukes either?

Jonathan: No. But in an anecdote that I am sure you will find amusing, my first name is Goodluck.

Biden: Goodluck? HAW HAW that is hilarious! That isn’t a first name! Lemme guess, that’s just what people kept saying to you whenever you said you were Nigeria’s President? Outstanding. And your last name is a first name! HAW HAW HAW! I’m gonna tell Davesy to give you extra ‘fixins.

Jonathan: I thought you would be amused by such banalities.

(Jonathan walks off, leaving the VP alone in his thoughts)

biden staring space

Biden: They fobbed off all the losers on me. Me… Joe Biden...

Axelrod: Cheer up. It was probably because they knew you’d make them feel important, like they mattered, like there was a purpose in having Morocco at a nuclear summit. They knew you’d treat them like VIP’s.

Biden: That must be it. Hell, you know how to buck a man up, Axehandle. Hell, it’s not so bad. Got some beers, gonna be cookin’ up some food, gonna show the world the culinary masterpiece known as the Bidenwich! You’re right, it’s gonna be a hell of a day! Where’s Najib? We're gonna tie one on and crank call Harry Reid!

Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, please put your shirt back on.

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