DENVER--College football standout and Broncos' first-round draft pick, Tim Tebow, has turned down an estimated $40 million product endorsement contract from Nike, Inc., the world's leading supplier of athletic shoes and apparel."It is with the utmost respect for Nike that I decline this generous offer. As a Christian, I simply cannot in good conscience work for a company that violates the First Commandment by paying homage to an ancient Greek deity," announced Tebow during a televised fellating by ESPN football analyst Jon Gruden.
Added Tebow, "While I fully appreciate the exploitation of south Asian peoples for commercial or theological gain, my first duty is to Our Lord Jesus Christ. Idolatry, after all, is a mortal sin."
Given Tebow's success at the collegiate level and His inexplicably early selection in this year's draft, dozens of companies are rushing to fill the void left by Nike. First to the table was Gatorade, who boast not only a tie to Tebow's alma mater -- Gatorade was initially developed at the University of Florida -- but a stated willingness to replace their recent "G" rebranding initiative with a "J" campaign.
Also expected to contend for space in Tebow's wallet are Under Armor, currently focus grouping a "We Must Protect This House... of God" campaign, and GM's Chevrolet, which has reportedly brought John Mellencamp back into the studio to reprise "This is Our Country."
However, those close to St. Timothy of the Wildcat Formation expect Him to announce His intention to sign a deal with rival shoe company Reebok, most likely employing an erratic, looping pen stroke that leaves Him vulnerable to having the pen knocked out of his hand. While Reebok currently does not have a signature football shoe for Him to endorse, He is expected to immediately star in a print and TV campaign for their new Air Yeshua Max preaching sandal.
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