Nubs

In our day to day travels and interactions I think we find one thing we all have in common: we'd all like to violently assault a quadruple amputee for tenuous reasons. I just don't know why that is, but we'd all like to do it. Maybe it's human nature.

Now it goes without saying that in the larger community you'll be lionized and vindicated by public opinion. But then again, public opinion isn't legal opinion. So when John Law comes knocking on your door, remember to tell him that you assaulted that quadruple amputee in self-defense. Like this guy, Minnesota resident Jacoby Smith.

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don't let that fool you--Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith told the Pioneer Press.

We've said it time and time again: amputees are predators and we must defend ourselves from them at all costs. Did no one see the Fugitive?

But rest easy, this story has a happy ending. Despite the fact that he beats her, she apparently beats him with the fury of Ken Shamrock and Fedor Emelianenko, and the fact that she cheats on him, these two lovebirds/sparring partners are going to get married. True love, dear readers.