These are serious men

It's clear that around these parts we don't have much respect for the financial sector. Some might say we're being to harsh on them but we're just trying to base our opinion off of all that horrible shit they did. We're probably too easy on them.

But in this debate over Chris Dodd's financial reform bill we've heard complaints from our money overlords that the government isn't fit to regulate the financial sector because Uncle Sam just doesn't understand the markets or how they work. To which I say: you lot bankrupted the world on the premise that bubbles would never burst and that the best place to set up millions of carefully placed dominoes would be on a major fault line next to a team of clumsy pogo-stick jumpers with vertigo.... you don't understand what you're doing either.

But as the months pass and stories come out about the conduct of our financial betters, one theme is clear: they are essentially low rent gambling addicts that would leverage the entire economy on a wet t-shirt contest if they thought they could make a buck off of it. Case in point.

Goldman Sachs Group Inc.'s mortgage traders, under the spotlight because of the U.S. government's fraud lawsuit against the securities firm, made markets in more than just bonds during the real-estate bubble.

They also cast bets on a White Castle hamburger-eating contest.

In December 2007, after the firm distributed multimillion-dollar bonus checks in part thanks to bets on a mortgage meltdown, about 10 Goldman mortgage traders, surrounded by dozens of cheering colleagues, wolfed down the burgers, according to attendees. Bystanders wagered cash on how many burgers the traders could eat.

At least they didn't leverage companies on this hamburger eating contest or chop up the burgers and put them into derivatives and sell CDO's on them, no, that would be ridiculous. I'm going to assume that it's only because they couldn't think of a way to do it or realized that they'd seem somewhat ridiculous trying to get investors and hedge funds to gamble billions on their confidence in the fact that the Rand-dawg could polish off 40 burgers in one sitting anytime, anywhere and that Phil from marketing was a weak kneed pussy.

So what was the difference between what they did with mortgages and burger eating contests? Absolutely nothing, aside from the scale of the enterprise and maybe some post-contest bathroom puke sessions. This is the kind of shit that toileted the economy: meatheads standing in a circle, throwing Benjamins around, yelling "Swap, swap, swap" instead of "Eat, eat, eat."

So of course it's clear that the federal government shouldn't take any undue action to further regulate these serious titans of finance. I mean how could they understand something as complex as high stakes gambling by rich scumbags? Just send everyone to a mandated Gambler's Anonymous meeting and tell them that next time, bet the economy on something a little more stable than housing... like a horse or a football game. The world economy will thank you.