Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Broken In Brief: Poll Finds Majority of Americans Rooting for Katla Eruption

NEW YORK--A highly scientific national poll conducted early this morning in a south Brooklyn bar has concluded that a majority of Americans are rooting for Iceland's Katla volcano to erupt sometime in the near future.

Katla lies to the east of Eyjafjallajökull, whose eruption last week caused massive flooding, evacuations, and the closure of most European airspace. Katla, however, is much bigger than its neighbor and is known for its powerful subglacial eruptions and substantially larger magma chamber.

"Honestly, I think it'd be freakin' sweet if Katla went up in addition to Eyeja... Idjafull... Eyegartoll... that other one," admitted Adam Stannery, 31, a part-time census worker who owns his own dog-walking business. "I don't want anyone to die or anything, but did you see those pictures of the ash cloud? And the volcano lightning? And all those pissed off French people? We're just one eruption away from a massive, Bjork-led relief effort."

"Nah, kid, nah. I want this thing to go all Krakatoa and Vesuvius... combined," shouted David Furness, a self-proclaimed "doctor of some repute."

"With doctorates in both completely ancient history and historical explosions of note, as well as being an owner of both seasons of Rome on DVD, I lament the fact that truly humongous, earth shattering, civilization-destroying volcano 'splosions are relegated to the history books. I think it's time the 21st century had it's own Mt. St. Helens... but near cities and people and not out in the woods or some shit. It'd be epic!"

Geologists this week were quick to point out that the last three Eyjafjallajökull eruptions have been closely followed by Katla eruptions. Thus Iceland, as well as most of mainland Europe, remains on high alert while America contentedly flips back and forth between CNN and "Dancing With the Stars."

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