NEW YORK—Today the international community was shocked to learn that Transparency International, which has long compiled a ranked list of countries by degree of political and institutional corruption, was scrapping their Corruption Perceptions Index over charges of corruption.“Look, we realize the irony of this, but we unfortunately have to revamp and reassess the whole list due to numerous allegations of back room deals and intimidation,” announced Mark Holt, spokesman for Transparency International.
While there are wide-ranging allegations surrounding numerous countries on the list, the most serious allegations surround the country of Uzbekistan, which ranked as the 7th most corrupt country in the world.
“I would like to offer my apologies for our conduct and payment of bribes during this whole affair,” said a weeping Islam Karimov, President of the Uzbek nation. “I just wanted to look like a big man in front of my kids and in the international community. I wanted to have people be afraid of me, look at me as a despotic man who should be revered and feared! It’s just not true. I’m fairly competent and well mannered. I even file my taxes on time.”
As Karimov bawled, he explained, “We’re actually a very well ordered and well run country with numerous checks and balances, a robust legal system full of well paid and well protected jurists and police officials. My God, I’ve never been more embarrassed in all my life.”
This remains the second black eye for international watchdog groups in as many months following the revelation by Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch that conduct at US military prisons like Bagram and Gitmo were not “torture”, as had been claimed for years, but in fact “fraternity style hazing” and “comical prankery.” For its part, Transparency International vowed to reevaluate its procedures.
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