Gear up to fight the undead

I know in recent months we've been focusing too heavily on various health, nuclear, and financial based apocalypses. SO much so that we've taken our focus off the real apocalyptic threat that we all wish and know is coming: zombie apocalypse. We accept full blame. We know that we should be preparing you to fight the undead and we have failed.

But there is still time. The dead have not yet risen. So it is with that that we are able to pass on a way to fight the zombies and still be fashion forward. Thanks to Uncrate Garb, you too can outfit yourself in the latest zombie survival tech.

This urgent installment of Garb is brought to you by Roger Ma, author of The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead ($10; Out today).

Backpack: Arc'teryx Naos 55 ($379), with minimal straps to prevent snagging on undead fingers. Long Range Weapon: Bully Tools Sidewalk Scraper ($33), to avoid close encounters. Melee Weapon: Zak Tools Halligan Bar ($160), a rescue tool with combat applications. Close Combat Weapon: Boker Applegate Combat Knife ($121), with the unique Besh Wedge design. Eye Protection: Wiley X-SG-1 ($103), to guard against errant splatter. Gloves: Oakley Factory Pilot Glove ($70), with protective carbon fiber plating. Body Armor: Fox Titan Jacket ($139), to protect upper torso vulnerabilities. Shirt and Pants: the flame-resistant Massif Combat Shirt ($170) and 5.11 Flash Pants ($50), because fires break out when hell breaks loose. Boots: Danner 453 Steel Toe GTX ($160), comfort of a hiker with the punch of steel.

I will quibble with some of their choices. I would suggest a FatMax Xtreme Fubar Functional Utility Bar for your utility/zombie smashing crowbar. It's functional, multi-use, solidly constructed, and has some skull bashing heft to it. One might also want to consider a tomahawk. Who could forget shotguns and re-loaders? One can't count on gun stores to be open or society to be functioning when you need to take down a horde from a distance. You might also want to try a higher collar or perhaps a full facial mask to protect from the zombies that jump out out of nowhere from behind. Extra leg protection is good as well, you don't want to be turned by a zombie that is crawling. The indignity!

I hope this has been able to help you out somewhat in the event that hell fills up and the dead rise within the next few months. Your protection from the undead is your own responsibility. Sean and I can't be expected to save all of you as we rebuild society and come to rule it.