Broken in Brief: 377th consecutive Twitter search party fails to find missing person

DULUTH—It has been nearly two weeks since area junior Kacey Garret, 16, went missing without a trace. More vexing to Garret's friends, however, is their inability to locate her through an extensive online campaign based solely on social networking site and narcissism factory Twitter.

“I just don’t know why we haven’t found her,” said friend Breliegh Endicott, 17. “I mean, we all totally Tweeted that she was, like, missing and junk. You know, like you see all the time on Twitter. And that people should, like, look out and stuff, but… nothing. Maybe we should have gone out and looked.”

Others aren’t willing to react so harshly as to suggest actual effort be expended in search efforts, choosing instead to place the blame on the lackluster Tweeting efforts of others.

“Bro, Brad totally wasn’t doing his best on Twitter to help find her,” Tweeted senior Jack Maher, 18, all-city quarterback and amateur date rapist.

“Harsh, @jackdawg10. I totally RT’d your Tweets. I was trying just as hard as everyone!” Bradzilla16 responded. “Don’t put this on me. BRB Hot Pockets are done.”

Ultimately, this marks yet another high profile failure of people using Twitter to tweet that someone you might not know from some area you might not even be near has gone missing and that you should re-Tweet it.

“It’s almost as if there’s something fundamentally flawed with the idea that hitting a button while sitting at your computer or tapping away on your iPhone is an effective method of locating a missing person,” observed local police chief Harry Grasscock. “It almost makes me think we should go back to investigating, using dogs, or, I don't know, actually going outside."

“Maybe if we expanded the search to Facebook…” Chief Grasscock excitedly said, his face lighting up. “By God, I may have just saved this little girl’s life!”