Broken In Brief: Malfunctions Slow Rollout of GOP Hyperbolic Labelmaker

Above: The exploits of a functioning Smear-o-Tron 5000

WASHINGTON--Already plagued by controversial leadership decisions and middling prospects for the November elections, the Republican party was dealt another setback today when its Hyperbolic Labelmaker failed to start during a test run for the upcoming Supreme Court Justice confirmation battle.

"In a bad year, this just makes things worse," said Marissa Florentine, head of the GOP's Outlandish and Exaggerated Claims division. "If we are unable to levy at potential nominees accusations ranging from half-assed conjecture to blatant fabrication, I fail to see how the Republican party can effectively turn this serious minded debate over qualifications and judicial history into the type of harebrained shitshow the country's media requires."

Florentine assured the media that technicians are working around the clock to get the labelmaker -- colloquially called the "Smear-o-Tron 5000" -- up and running in time for this summer's likely protracted debate.

Pundits claim the machine might have been overtaxed during the health care debate, sapping its ability to slap terms such as "activist liberal anti-constitutionalists" on centrist judges with an extensive history of moderate rulings. More troubling, the Smear-o-Tron 5000's ability to gather obscure phrases from decades-old rulings completely out of context and synthesize them into invective has been severely compromised.

Technicians within the OEC Division noticed problems during the latter part of 2009 when Senator John McCain hit what he referred to as "that durned ro-bit confabulation" with his cane and the machine subsequently became stuck on the Socialism setting.

"We might have to revert to pen and paper for the time being," admitted Florentine. "But we'll soon be back to spewing venomous half-truths and deriding cogent legal thought with the speed and severity you have come to expect from your minority Republican party."