Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Good morning, KFC is trying to explode your heart

Oh yes, this is not some delayed April Fool's joke or some satirist's attempt to usurp Patton Oswalt's Failure Bowl routine. No, what you're looking at is the future of American food: the KFC Double Down Sandwich. Two fired chicken patties sandwiching bacon, pepper jack, Monterrey jack, and the Colonel's special sauce. And it's almost here! No longer confined to test markets and the fevered dreams of Southerners, it's nearly a reality. And not a moment too soon, as it seemed with health reform that America might be in danger of getting healthier.

What's the artery damage? KFC claims it'll only hit you up for 540 calories, which I think means that using fried chicken is actually healthier than bread. Initial estimates pegged it at 1228 calories... which also seems low. Maybe we just aren't seeing the scale of the sandwich properly. That might just be bacon and cheese crammed between two nuggets.

I think there is only one question left: why does KFC hate us? Actually, two, there are two questions left: the hate one and Did KFC just come as close as humanly possible to perfectly distilling the essence of America into a single sandwich? Sure, that chicken should be beer battered and more bacon should be involved, but the only contender to the crown is the various iterations of the 'bacon cheeseburger on a donut' burgers that have sprung up. Who knows, that's for America to decide. But the gauntlet has been thrown down, all that's left is for some other fast food chain to pick up the ball and run with it. We'll have a chance to decide for ourselves in four days.

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