For the kids

You know, it's been a while since we've openly mocked our elected betters in Washington for nakedly playing politics with important issues. It must be a few days now since we've done it. But we can only mock them when they give us fresh material. I mean we can't make the stuff up, right? I mean sure, I'd love for our legislative branch to somehow combine politicizing education, disrespect for the sciences, needlessly harming kids, actively trying to dumb down future generations, and add in massive dashes of cheap legislative tricks, political cowardice, and a healthy dose of repressed sexual puritanism, but that kind of stuff just doesn't happen everyday.

Wait. In 3... 2... 1...

In an example of Republican obstructionism rendered beautiful by its simplicity, the GOP yesterday killed a House bill that would increase funding for scientific research and math and science education by forcing Democrats to vote in favor of federal employees viewing pornography.
...
In this case, Republicans included a provision that would bar the federal government from paying the salaries of employees who've been disciplined for viewing pornography at work.

To proceed with the bill and bring it to a final vote, Democrats would have had to vote against the motion to recommit, and against the porn ban.

But they didn't have the stomach for it, and 121 Democrats jumped ship and voted with Republicans to kill the bill.

Eat it kids. "It" being 'Waste or excrement from the digestive tract that is formed in the intestine and expelled through the rectum'. You'd know about that whole process as well as the basic digestive process that would happen after you ate 'it'... if you didn't just have your science and biology curriculum needlessly fucked with by adults, that is. Well, legally they're adults, but in reality they're more childish than you'll ever be my dear, sweet, stupid, stupid children.

Ideally the bill is still able to be brought back up for a vote, but who knows what amendments supporting funds for the perverted arts, motions to support the rape of everyone's mother, and efforts to tack on riders that give away home makeovers and manicures to child murderers will have to be dealt with so that our children will not regress into fearing the fire orb in the sky and eating mud.

Wonderful. In order to look like they don't support the porn, our elected betters choose to support dicking over kids and education, all the while not actually doing anything to make themselves look less like conscienceless assholes and getting nothing done. I think that is the textbook definition of a win-win-win-win scenario. So good we have adults in Washington tackling the important issues in a serious manner.

Sunday Marching Orders

It's time for one of my favorite activities on this blog. No, not plumbing some new depth that our American political or news system has sunk to while adding in a snarky remark and a new curse word I learned. No, that's what the weekdays are for. The weekends are for me demanding that you do things; namely read.

Some would say these are articles of extreme importance. Others would say this is just a bunch of shit I'm putting up because it is clogging up my bookmarks folder. Who is to say who is right? Well, the latter are. But there is an extremely important reason I haven't been able to put these up before, namely... uhhh.... important... constraints... on my... time. Not extreme laziness. So away we go.

The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight
What if I were to tell you that we've spent six billion on the Afghan National Police force and they're grossly incompetent and unable to even do a fraction of their jobs? You'd probably say that you're surprised we were able to keep that waste of money under $10 billion. I agree. Why are they so awful? A myriad of reasons, but at least in this case it isn't because they're spending all their money on magic bomb detecting wands. Yet.

White House access is a jackpot for reporters
Want to know why White House coverage has become so uniformly terrible over the past decade? Mostly because the reporters covering the beat try to cozy up to insiders in order to get good gossip... for their "insider" "tell-all" books. Glenn Greenwald looks at how "journalist" really isn't the proper term for these people.

Building a Green Economy
Paul Krugman on what it would take to actually build a green economy and move toward greener energy. The article didn't start with the phrase "seal up most of the energy executives and lobbyists up in a coal mine along with a large chunk of our elected betters" so I don't know how seriously Krugman's article can be taken.

Copenhagen destroyed by Danish draft leak, says India's environment minister
If you were wondering how the Copenhagen climate conference came to be such a complete misfire that failed to make any serious progress on environmental issues, the Guardian has a rundown. Apparently it was petty infighting, aggrieved egos, childish power struggles, and comical shortsightedness beating out serious long term planning for a clearly foreseen problem. Who could have ever foreseen? It's only like the 7,435th time in a row a major global problem was ever dealt with like like that.

Gang Moves 1,800 Lb Of Coke In Fake Dakar Rally Truck
If you ever wondered why the state of Arizona has to whomp on Latinos with a healthy dose on un-Constitutional actions, it's because of stuff lie this. We can't even trust the validity of entrants in our beloved giant rally truck races. No, everyone is a suspect, even Latino rally trucks.

The Hidden Meaning of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
If you're like me, every time you see the Lady Gaga video for Telephone, you say to yourself "this is a clearly a thinly veiled guise for indoctrination from the Illuminati using Monarch Programming mind control and is chock full of secret hidden codes and symbols from both". Thankfully, someone else has agreed and put together a comprehensive analysis of all the ways the Illuminati are boring into your brain through a Lady Gaga video. One thing is clear: the song is not about a telephone or an annoying boyfriend who keeps calling. We're through the looking glass.

Kenyan FACE!!!!

Kenya is famous for exporting two things. The first is tea, to the point where a tea leaf is on Kenyan coat of arms. But I didn't need to tell you that. The second is our President, Barack Hussein Mombasa, who was smuggled out of Kenya in late 1961, secretly transported to Hawaii where he was given forged documents purporting his American birth even though he didn't need them because his mother was American, and a plot was sinisterly put in motion over nearly 40 years to put him in a position to become President and silence those who know the truth.

We all know this. Kenya knows this. The teabaggers know this. And Kenya is flaunting those facts in a flagrant manner.

The Kenyan government is taking on the Tea Partiers head on -- hosting a "Real Tea Party" in the Capitol next Tuesday to promote the country's status as the world's number one exporter of tea. And they are explicitly contrasting it with the other tea parties that have been held of late on the Hill.

"The Government of Kenya, the world's #1 tea exporter, cordially invites you to a proper Kenyan Tea Party on Capitol Hill (one without a political agenda)," the invitation boasts.

The difference between this tea party and the Tea Party? Well, actual tea and an implied dress code that is something beyond flip-flops, a placard about socialism, and a Dale Jr. tee. And, despite being held at the Kenyan embassy, it will contain a whole lot less people that believe Obama is Kenyan than your typical teabagger gathering.

So this is where the Tea Party movement is at right now: being openly mocked by Kenya for your little gatherings and ideas about the President's birth. And the tea in the tea bags you've been waving around is probably Kenyan. Ouch. At least you stopped the health care bill from pass.... At least you got people to understand more about tax.... At least you made the country believe you were full of sane peop.... At least you got the Geico gecko voice actor fired. That's... something.

Diplomacy is for adults

The dance of diplomacy is a complicated one in which there is much give and take in a relationship over a long term in order to produce a mutually beneficial result, usually centered around trade or us bombing a third party. On the other hand, with Venezuela, sometimes diplomacy is just a dance of childish mockery, petulance, and schoolyard antics. Chavez calls us some form of a devil, we call him a cheap despot, he tells us to stop using our earthquake machine on Haiti, we tell him that we regret ever showing him the earthquake machine, he claims we killed off all the bigfoots, and we mock the poverty and instability of his country.

Essentially he uses any opportunity to launch himself, Wile E. Coyote style from a large slingshot, into any situation dressed in full clown makeup. We in turn respond by mocking him and pointing out the poverty of his country and, if the mood suits us, by trying to overthrow him.

For instance take the recent state visit to Venezuela by Russian PM Vladimir Putin. While there to compare notes on what it's like to never have to leave power, Putin expressed support for Russia helping Venezuela achieve a particular goal of theirs. Namely launching Hugo Chavez, or perhaps some other Venezuelan, or perhaps space tourists into orbit. Because Hugo buys so many weapons from Russia, $4 billion worth at last count, not only is Russia going to help Hugo build nuclear plants, they're going to help Hugo set up a space launcher and factory. Why does Venezuela need a space program? Only the mind of Chavez knows. But America was quick to reply with a Chavez sized dose of international snark.

Phil Crowley, a spokesman for the US State Department said the two nations had the right to pursue relations with whichever nations they chose but he questioned the South American country's priorities.

"I think in the meeting there was some suggestion of space travel by Venezuela," he said.

"We would note that the government of Venezuela was largely closed this week due to energy shortages and to the extent that Venezuela is going to extend resources on behalf of its people, perhaps the focus should be more terrestrial than extraterrestrial."

After that, Crowly reportedly extended his hand, dropped the mic theatrically, and waved his hand in front of his face yelling "FACE!!!" while head of the Bureau of Western Hemisphere Affairs, Assistant Secretary of State Arturo A. Valenzuela, yelled "You just got dealt on, Hugo!"

As of yet, Venezuela has not yet responded to getting diplomatically sizzerved. But when Hugo gets out of the library after researching some epic conspiracy that was heretofore unknown that we caused/controlled/covered-up for our benefit/South America's detriment/so as not to reveal how weak we truly are, we'll bring you the details. I'm betting it has something to do with mer-people, Atlantis, and just when the CIA commissioned El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo.

Art of the day

In these harsh time it is important to pause and take stock in what is truly important......... giant art installations about cartoon shows from my youth. Specifically He-Man art installations inside a giant replica of Castle Greyskull. What, did you think I was going to say Haiti?

Under The Influence: Masters of the Universe Tribute Art Show is currently running at Gallery 1988 in LA until the end of the month.

Todd Slater "Alen Oppenheimer"

Brian McCarty "Fall Of Stratus"

Kiersten Essenpreis "Skeletor Gets A Root Canal"

Alex Pardee "Beastman"

We are governed by adults

In case you were worried that our health care debate wasn't consumed enough by childish spite and political gamesmanship when it wasn't being consumed by corporate cronyism, Joe Lieberman, the Only Senator That Matters, stepped in to remind you that the Senate is a serious place for serious thought by serious individuals.

But in the interview, Mr. Lieberman said that he grew apprehensive when a formal proposal began to take shape. He said he worried that the program would lead to financial trouble and contribute to the instability of the existing Medicare program.

And he said he was particularly troubled by the overly enthusiastic reaction to the proposal by some liberals, including Representative Anthony Weiner, Democrat of New York, who champions a fully government-run health care system.

“Congressman Weiner made a comment that Medicare-buy in is better than a public option, it’s the beginning of a road to single-payer,” Mr. Lieberman said. “Jacob Hacker, who’s a Yale professor who is actually the man who created the public option, said, ‘This is a dream. This is better than a public option. This is a giant step.’”

That's right, Joe Lieberman scuttled a plan to expand Medicare that he supported as the VP Candidate of the Democratic party and one that he was advocating as little as three months ago, because he thought some liberals liked it too much. That was the basis for denying Medicare coverage to everyone in this country aged 55-64, making liberals angry. And not only was he so oblivious to how childish that was that he openly gave it as the reason he got the Medicare expansion dropped, the debate and the media coverage of the debate has degraded so much that he'll still be treated as a serious man of principle who has coherent thoughts on important issues.

So when you look back and wonder why a major initiative to take some of the most at risk and expensive people in the insurance market off the private rolls and onto Medicare, reducing risk, costs, and premiums in everyone else's plans, remember that it wasn't because it was a bad idea, or because analysis showed it wouldn't work, or because it was unpopular. No, you didn't get cheaper and better access to health care cause a guy wanted to stick it to liberals an punish them for liking something. Well done, Joe. We're all very sorry voters actually said they preferred Ned Lamont to you in the Democratic party. I can't even think of why they would think that. Well, you sure showed us. Thanks for acting like an adult.

Actually, yeah, the health care bill could get worse

Hey, remember that whole point in time last week when everyone was pretty sure that the last painful compromise had been made in the health care fight? When the public option was dropped for a Medicare buy-in and some people were holding out hope that, depending on how things were structured, this might turn out to be better than a weak public option? Yeah... then Joe Lieberman started speaking.

"We've got to stop adding to the bill," said Lieberman. "We have to start subtracting some controversial things."
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"You have to take out the Medicare buy-in," said Lieberman. "You have to forget about the public option. You probably have to take out the CLASS Act..... If you did that, you'd have an enormous accomplishment. Thirty million Americans who can't afford insurance today would get it. Insurance companies would be more aggressively regulated and costs would be bent down. It's time to get reasonable."

Great news, right? Joe Lieberman wants more compromise, for no discernible reason, and will continue to lie about his motivations for doing so, and the financial and human costs of what his changes will do. So, to the surprise of no one, Lieberman vowed today to filibuster any bill with a Medicare buy-in... despite supporting it when it was part of a little something called the Lieberman/Gore Health Care Plan.

So not only is the Senate health care bill going to get worse, much much worse, it's going to get worse to the point where it's not even a sure thing that it could pass in the House or even keep on some of the Senator who are actually concerned with people's lives; killing reform. Which seems to be Lieberman's actual goal. At what point does catering to his random whims make the bill worse than what going through reconciliation would fashion the bill into? I'd like to find out. Plus, we all found out that the prayers we made to have Joe hit by a flaming sky rock or fall into a wheat thresher... were made to the wrong God. Oh, the indignity.

You know I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to regret electing Joe Lieberman King of the United States and Emperor of Health Care.

Picture of the day

From Popular Science and some amateur photographers round the world comes this look at a staggering event of great scientific and cosmological importance....the dumping of 150 pounds of astronaut urine and wastewater from the Space Shuttle Discovery as it undockified itself from the International Space Station.

This was all a part of NASA's top secret $3 billion Project Freezer Burn initiative, in which the space program conspires to get gullible humans ('land meat' as NASA calls them) to make wishes on "shooting stars" that are in fact frozen balls of astronaut piss evaporating on re-entry into the earth. So, word of warning: that wish you made last Wednesday night isn't going to come true.

Broken News: All hope lost as evil hordes overrun Cushion Fort

THE LIVING ROOM—An otherwise idyllic, peaceful morning was shattered when two car bombs rocked the market district of South Awesometown, killing dozens and splaying action figures and broken plastic limbs all over the immediate area.

What was initially believed to be yet another gruesome attack on an overwhelmed populace turned out to be something far more sinister as the horrible violence was merely the opening gambit of an invasion that threatened the entire living room and outlying territories as far west as the dining room table.

As the vile hordes of the Enemy poured through the Great Front Gates of Awesometown, the citizens saw the true horror that awaited them. Not only were there hordes of orcs, goblins, and trolls, but the Enemy had been able to marshal the support of the stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire, several Darth Vader figurines, a couple of badass looking Matchbox cars, the international terrorist organization Cobra, and a perverse menagerie of mismatched and augmented Lego vehicles.

This was not merely another battle in the fraught with violence, daily struggle that is life in Awesometown, no; this was the battle to end all battles.

“Blaargh, mercy is for the weak,” a booming voice was heard to yell as giant hands smashed an X-Wing into the prone body of a battered Han Solo, one of the many confusing episodes of this pitched and narratively baffling confrontation.

As the fight raged on, many were sickened by the tactics of the Enemy as his elite Vader squad was seen to mutilate and dismember a group of Lego citizens who had not been able to flee the area.

“We’re just a group of engineers, architects, and motorcycle cops, don’t hurt us,” they were heard to yell. But their pleas went unheard as the Vader squad pulled them apart and stomped on them in a violent up and down motion as the spit-flecked sounds of screams, explosions and machine gun fire permeated the air.

Citizens were left with little hope for protection as a fire truck took to the air and violently crashed into a large red barrel that housed the city’s elite Monkey Squadron. Those who had survived the firetruck’s initial vicious aerial assault soon learned the meaning of true pain as the massive frame of The Incredible Hulk came into view.

“DIE DIE DIE,” the voice boomed again, as the Hulk engaged in the most common fighting tactic of the day; jumping up and down on the heads of his victims. Torrents of childish laughter were heard as the Hulk finished of this awful session by proceeding to hump the bodies of the noble apes in a lewd and lascivious fashion.

As the unending horror and violence consumed the outskirts of Awesometown near the Great Recliner and End Table of Power, those still alive knew the only possible solution left was the one that had served them so well in previous periods of war: they would gird themselves in Nerf and make for the Cushion Fort.

The seven cushion fort, built by their ancestors and allowed to stand for nigh on three days now, had protected them whenever violence encroached and the nearby area had become littered with the dismembered bodies of the girly doll-people of the Repellent Sister Creature. Now it was their only hope in this completely badass final battle to end all final battles. But unluckily for the remaining survivors, the army of the Enemy knew of these plans and had vowed to leave a trail of pain and blood as the evil battalions made their way to the vaunted Cushion Fort.

Indeed they were true to their brutal word as the path to the fort became littered with the broken and flayed bodies of the fallen, piled in various states of homoerotic and gay poses. Those who had seen it would never forget the tragic sight of the corpses of Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Yoda piled on top of each other as though the venerated wizards had been engaged in some sort of three-way anal intercourse.

But the assembled armies of the Enemy were too much for the fabled defenses of the cushion fort, as their superior numbers soon overran the valiant warriors. As the remaining citizens of Awesometown declared that all hope was lost, they looked to the heavens to plead for help and salvation. The booming voice returned, cried “No! The time of judgment is at hand!” and prepared to lay waste to the fort with a full body splash from off of the nearby couch.

It was at this moment that two larger creatures stumbled into the scene of the carnage, demanding to know “What is all this racket going on?” As the ensuing tale of the war at hand, ape rape, the cushion fort stronghold, and the battle to end all battles was regaled, the story was rebuffed with a curt “I don’t care” from the larger of the two beings, a week-long ban from watching cable news, and a demand to “Clean all this shit up, because it’s a goddamn mess in here.”

Amid much grumbling and protestations of unfairness the battlefields were swept clean, the cushion fort was razed and returned to its rightful place on Sofa Mesa, and the citizens were spared their final destruction and placed into a bin in the closet, perhaps some of them reemerging tomorrow as part of an RC car stunt spectacular or to perhaps suffer the heat of fire conjured from magnification glass.

Shaming

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) is quickly becoming one of my favorite elected representatives in the health care debate. He fights for a robust public option, seems to understand obvious truths, tries to humiliate and shame liars in public forums, makes a hell of a lot of sense on the issues, stays within the realm of fact, and his last name is Weiner, which is of critical importance to someone as childish as myself. Now, he's also getting into the 'shaming Republican hypocrites' business, which is admittedly easy, but he still does a good job of it.

WEINER: It’s more another way of looking at this debate, this discussion about the public option, to put it in focus. We went, just out of curiosity, looked at how many members of Congress get the public option. And I know a lot of people have said, “Well under the new bill, how many of you members of Congress would choose the public option?”

Well there already is one; it’s called Medicare. And we found 55 Republicans and 151 members of Congress are on Medicare right now. So they’re already getting the same type of public option that we’d like people who are without insurance to be able to get. And I guess the purpose of this list was to kind of point out some of the hypocrisy of this debate.

Yes, he's done his own study, naming names on who is full of it on the health care debate. These 55 oppose a public option while they themselves not only have a public option, while they not only have government run health care, but are using single-payer government run health care in the style of the Socio-fascist League of Homosexual European Freedom Haters that they despise so much.

Now there is one critical flaw in Weiner's plan: he is trying to point out hypocrisy in politicians and shame leaders who have no capacity for acknowledging hypocrisy and had their sense of shame removed in a procedure paid for by Medicare. Plus he's doing it in a media environment that can't find time to give srious proponents of the public option interview time, but can find time to let Overlord McCain warble on and on about nothing for the millionth time. And why not, Gramps won so convincingly a year ago. Still Mr. Weiner (tee-hee), the effort is appreciated. Maybe next time you'll want to accuse the 55 leeches of seeking to kill health reform because they want everyone's grandmother to die bankrupt. It's pretty much the only way to get on TV nowadays. Unless you've got a precocious kid who is willing to hoax the media about a balloon mishap. Don't know how you'd tie that into the health care debate.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.27

Ted Kennedy On The Rocks
Michael Kelly's epic 1990 GQ profile of a thoroughly soused, jittery, puffy, red, whiskey soaked Ted Kennedy. Of note: numerous scenes of public drunkenness, a drunken back of the restaurant sex session, how Cape Cod really didn't consider it summer until Ted had driven his car on the sidewalk for the first time, and the work in the Senate and issues Kennedy was fighting for while carrying a blood alcohol level of .99. Great read.

Why Hunter Thompson passed on the O.J. trial
Jon Freidman talks to former San Francisco Examiner editor Phil Bronstein about one of the greatest things to ever not happen: Hunter S. Thompson covering the OJ Simpson trial with the official mandate of "try anything". It then devolves into a discussion as to why the newspaper industry is dying. Bah! This HST tidbit needs to be gone over in much more detail. Imagine the possibilities.

It's time to forgive Pete Rose for his sins against baseball
With Hall of Fame voting upcoming and the recent readmission of Michael Vick to the NFL, now comes the deluge of "Let Pete Rose into Cooperstown" columns. The premise this time? That making him wait 20 years to get into the hall after betting on baseball games he managed is punishment enough. Yes, mildly inconveniencing a man for violating the only rule that MLB posts up in locker rooms, is sufficient punishment. I think everyone underestimates baseball's wonderful reputation for grudge holding. Just ask Shoeless Joe Jackson, or, wait 40 years and ask Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa.

The 50 most-viewed Wikipedia articles in 2009 and 2008
And what did we learn this year? That Hitler (#17) is always more popular than Vagina (#36) and the Twilight movie (#43), but not as popular as Lil Wayne (#16) and Transformers 2 (#14). We also learned that America isn't as childish enough, with only the aforementioned Vagina and Sex (#21) representing for all the giggling teenagers out there.

Aggressive fox bites 2 people, steals sweater
And you laughed when we tried to warn you about animal uprisings. Rest assured this is no viral marketing for the Fantastic Mr. Fox, the only virus going around is rabies. The sweater that fox stole is real people! We are all bearing witness to the animals' Fort Sumter. Beware, they are coming and they'll take our hoodies, our cardigans, and our windbreakers if we're not careful. Just remember if you see a fox wearing a sweater: he's the leader. Don't be a hero, call the authorities. I told you we shouldn't have banned fox hunts.

North Korea's catty bitchiness offensive

So Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is away in Thailand, meeting with world leaders at a conference for Southeast Asian nations. When asked about North Korea she gave the standard US answer about stopping their nuclear proliferation, getting them back to the negotiating table, and concerns that they were trading nuclear secrets with Myanmar/Burma. Instead of responding with a typical statement about US imperialism or a story about Kim Jong-Il bench pressing a Panzer tank, the North Korean delegation decided to respond with some catty, childish, bitchiness. Not just symbolically this time, I think they actually found a bitchy 13 year old school girl and had her write up a response.

The war of words between North Korea and the United States escalated Thursday, with North Korea's Foreign Ministry lashing out at Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton in unusually personal terms for "vulgar remarks" that it said demonstrated "she is by no means intelligent."
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"We cannot but regard Mrs. Clinton as a funny lady as she likes to utter such rhetoric, unaware of the elementary etiquette in the international community," a Foreign Ministry spokesman said, according to North Korean media. "Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping."

Oooh, burn! Oh snap Hill-Dawg, how you gonna respond? You aren't going to take this lying down, are you? Luckily she totally went there and told everyone "[North Korea] have no friends left" and alluded to the fact that Kim Jong-Il is a tubby bitch who looks like an old lesbian. This stems from earlier comments she made where she compared North Korea to a small child or unruly teenager who wanted attention, and that he solution was "...don't give it to them, they don't deserve it, they are acting out." She then took off her pumps and threatened to "fuck up a bitch if I have to." This caused a representative from Indonesia to wag his finger in the air and say "Oh no you didn't!"

It's great the the most diplomatically childish nation on Earth always has the huevos to talk about international etiquette and the "offensive" uttering of rhetoric. I mean their response to this will probably be an official statement saying "don't call me a bitch, bitch", followed by the catapulting of a metal tube into the ocean and declaring it a missile launch, and then they'll irradiate some gophers with some uranium they strapped to dynamite and buried underground. I can imagine Kim Jong-Il riding down his waterslide, old lady sunglasses on, in the sitting position, arms crossed, and a sullen look on his face, angry that his country is in danger of losing an international dozens contest. But just in case you were wondering: yes Virginia, international relations with North Korea can get more childish. Wait until Kimbo starts up with a second round of pranks.

Things that should scare you today

The IMF's World Economic Outlook
They may use the phrase "Stabilization is uneven and recovery will likely be sluggish" and use lots of depressing charts, but after you cut through all their scholarly talk you come down to the simple fact that they agree with the TB endorsed policy of hoarding food, stealing hydro and petrol, making weapons, and decorating your house with the bones of the defeated in order to ward off evil spirits and bad omens. It's all there in the footnotes.

That this letter represents the writing and intellectual ability of an elected representative of this country
Granted it's John Ensign and Nevada more or less deserves it for the quality of people they elect, but both the handwriting and prose suggest that of a 12 year old boy, instead of an adult senator. It comes across as a kid who got caught doing something bad in Sunday School and has to write an apology letter to God. All that's really missing is a bad finger-painting of a bearded man frowning at a guy in a suit. With arrows pointing out which one is God and which one is Ensign.

That all the TV news can seem to cover now is Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin.
I mean sure Iran is erupting again, the China situation is apparently so important and serious that it caused Hu Jintao to ditch the G-8 Summit and start threatening the death penalty, and there's a myriad of domestic issues that are being debated seriously, but who needs to cover that shit when you can spend 12 hours each on "Is Palin really a super-secret genius who has already won the 2012 Presidency?" and "Was it exploitative to have Michael Jackson' daughter speak at his memorial?" Let me handle those two for you: No, Palin is a crooked idiot and no, but you're trying to exploit Jackson's daughter now for ratings. We shouldn't have to tell them that other news is going on, they're the news, they should already know that.

North Korea escalates prank war

Well they finally figured it out. Remember how pissed we all were over the weekend when we tried to access the Treasury Department, Secret Service, Federal Trade Commission, and Transportation Department web sites and found our ability to load them up difficult and scattershot? How all you heard during fireworks was stuff like "Where the hell else am I going to get to read Tim Geithner's blog", "It just isn't the same without hot dogs, fireworks, and up to date press releases from the Transportation Department", and "This holiday is barely worth celebrating without the ability to check out the FAQ on the Secret Service's website"? Well, now we know who ruined our nation's birthday: North Korea.

South Korean intelligence officials believe North Korea or pro-Pyongyang forces committed cyber attacks that paralyzed major South Korean and U.S. government Web sites, aides to two lawmakers said Wednesday.
...
Others familiar with the U.S. outage, which is called a denial of service attack, said that the fact that the government Web sites were still being affected three days after it began signaled an unusually lengthy and sophisticated attack. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter.

The Korea Information Security Agency also attributed the attacks to denial of service.

DoS attacks are when a number of people go to a website at the same time, causing an overload to the servers. Sometimes it can happen when a popular blogger links to you (something we've never had to experience), or when it's a coordinated attack. This vicious NK attack swelled some sites traffic to 9 times their usual load. 9 times! This had lead to experts in multiple articles on this to call the attack "sophisticated", which leads me to believe they aren't actually experts. Atrios or Daily Kos are probably going to do it once or twice today with a link and a sentence telling you to click said link. Making a website hard to load doesn't equal heinously sophisticated cyber-terror.

But nevertheless this is war! We're coming for you Kimbo! You think your DoS attacks are funny, just wait until we start up the LOLJong-Il site, start sending out embarrassing e-mails from your Gmail account, and hack your Twitter feed (TallBoyNK). My the CIA will escalate into putting itching powered in your onesies, ordering multiple pizzas to your house, killing you in a missile attack, or dyeing the water in your pool blue. You don't want to get into it with us.

Broken News: California to, um, pay you on Tuesday and shit

The Governor, moments after he realized he'd have to star in Terminator 5 and Predator 3 just to keep the schools open

SACRAMENTO—Amid reports of a state budget crisis that threatens to perpetuate government shutdowns, service cuts, missed payments, and defaulted loans, California reassured the world today that everything is copacetic and that the world's 7th largest economy is "totally good for it."

At a press conference held earlier today, Assistant Press Secretary, Barry "Skeeter" Hamilton sought to quell rumors that the state, which has been in a somewhat dire fiscal condition for years now, was in danger of watching its government and infrastructure completely collapse.

"Dude," Hamilton, who asked to be referred to as Skeeter in the press, began, "We totally just want to tell everyone not to panic. Really, chill. Sure, we got some problems, brah. But who doesn't? I mean, Iran just had that coup and Honduras is trying to figure out how to get away with rigging their presidential election. Speaking of which, why do they call it 'rigging?' Isn't that rope? I mean, if you think about it..."

After flashbulbs from the attendant press roused him, Skeeter continued, "Yeah, so don't go blowing your top. Tops. Top top top... So, yeah, trust us. We'll get you the money, we swear. We're totally good for. We're Cali, baby, we'll come through. We just, like, need a little time to sort some shit out. And if we start to totally get hosed, we'll just bring in Blotter."

It was at this point that Mr. Hamilton proceeded to spin an elaborate story about how bail money for California's deadbeat cousin, lackluster returns from a t-shirt & grilled cheese sale in the parking lot of a Widespread Panic show, and an utterly asinine political system that leaves government at the propositional whims of a notoriously head-fucked electorate had left the state "just a little shy" of the $24 billion required to keep it solvent for the next fiscal year.

The solution, according to Skeeter, will come in the form of IOU's issued to creditors, which he assured everyone were, "like, totally as good as money." Skeeter then added, "Come on, man. We're fucking California! You know we're gonna make up for it. Where are we gonna hide? Ask around, brah, people will tell you we're cool."

Despite California's reassurances, the situation looks more dire by the day. Some reports have Governor Schwarzenegger accepting new movie roles in exchange for studios subsidizing essential services, while others claim that parts of the state have been discounted and offered to Mexico as part of a new "sorry we stole it in the first place" sale.

California is not the only state to face potential fiscal crisis during the recession. Indiana has elected to print counterfeit money, while Illinois issued a formal statement declaring its intention to "break the thumbs" of anyone who tried to collect on its debt.

Pennsylvania absconded with all of its possessions in the middle of the night, leaving no forwarding address. Fastened to its front door with a kitchen knife was a note reading, "You'll never see a fucking dime."

Arizona was able to settle an undisclosed but reportedly significant portion of its debt by marrying Cindy McCain and letting her take care of the bills, whereas Ohio sought a temporary solution by paying for its education and social programs with credit cards taken out in California's name.

Connecticut was curious as to why some creditors and lawmakers had thought it was in financial trouble, as it "totally remembers writing a check for the bill and sending it off.” The Nutmeg State attributed what it called "wildly speculative and reactionary paranoia" to a simple postal error, ensuring its state programs that the check was in the mail.

Those who think California's plan to hand out IOU's in lieu of payment was, at best, extremely childish and, at worst, completely fucking ridiculous, were told by the state that any contractor, construction firm, social services center, hospital, or out-of-state debtor unhappy with the plan can redeem their IOU in Washington DC, where The Golden State suspects most of its confiscated weed is kept.

The state also announced that it is willing to perform free massages and engage in a discussion of the recently published policy paper by the State Budget Office entitled "A Study on the Feasibility and Viability of Pleasant Conclusions."

After strongly suggested that all in attendance "Read it and shit," Skeeter told those assembled he would give them further details after he laid down for a bit and recovered from "that laser light that hit me in the eye at the Blue Oyster Cult show."