Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Our Betters: Joe Cares About the Planet


Rahm Emanuel: Mr. President, after last week I really don't think we should put Joe in charge of anything too major. Or public. This is a big deal and it means a lot to many of your supporters and fellow lawmakers. There's no reason we can't go with a safer choice.

President Barack Obama: Rahm, I understand your concerns and I sympathize with you, I really do. But he needs a bit of a morale boost and I think he’ll rise to the challenge. You know, this is going to sound absurd, but ever since he was President last week--

Emanuel: He wasn’t President.

Obama: Well, I’ve been noticing a lot of extra cheese in my meals. It’s been the best dining week of my life. I think I owe that to him. I think he’s earned this chance.

Emanuel: I think this is going to blow up in our gosh darn faces.

Obama: Keepin' that language in check. Good boy!

(tosses Rahm a treat)

Emanuel: (chewing) Thanks. All right, sir, where is the Vice-President?

Obama: I think Katie said the sound of hard ass slapping and jocular guffawing was heard near the West Wing.

(off key singing of “Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)”, drawing closer)

Obama: Here we are.

(door flies open)

Biden smilin
Vice-President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you?

(looks around)

Biden: What do you think, is all this shit in here compostable? Biodegradable? Carbon neutral?

(slaps Obama on the ass, then on the Blackberry holster)

Biden: How many amps is this bastard pumping out?

Obama: Joe, that’s not wise, I think you--

Biden: Just wanted to show you how seriously I’m taking this environmental thing now that you’ve put me in charge of the entire Earth Day.

Emanuel: The White House celebration of Earth Day.

Biden: Like I said, the entire Earth Day. Man, what an honor. I literally have one hell of a day planned.

Obama: We are certainly interested in hearing your proposal.

Rahm: (mumbling) Like I'm interested in a fucking catheter.

(Obama shoots Rahm and angry glance)

Biden: Aw hell, it’s fantastic. We start off with some tree-plantin’ ceremonies, kids of all ethnicities holding hands and shit. Then we move to Al Gore giving his giant presentation at the Mall, a green technology exhibition at the Smithsonian, and we finish it off with a nighttime concert by Skynyrd powered entirely by wind.

(a few seconds of deafening silence, which Biden doesn't seem to notice)

Obama: You know, that doesn’t sound half-bad.

Emanuel: Yeah… I’m almost kind of impressed. And suddenly terrified.

Biden: That’s not even the best part. I’m fixin’ to set up a bona fide coup de grace. Big talent. Sinatra big! Speaking of…. Flo!!! FLO!!!

(voice comes from outside Oval Office)

Presidential Secretary Katie Johnson: *sighs* Yes, Mr. Vice-President?

Biden: Where is our guest of honor?

Johnson: He just arrived at the front door, he should be here any moment.

Biden: Aw hell. Guys, could you do me a favor? I really need to impress this guy and it won't help if I have you two standin’ behind me while I’m trying to finalize a deal on saving the planet. You guys mind clearing out?

Obama: This is my office, Joe, and we have a great deal of bus--

Biden: Phenomenal! Thanks for helping a guy out.

(Shoves Emanuel and Obama through the back entrance to the Oval Office)

Biden: Oh God, I hope this goes well. Oh God, oh God...

(door flies open)

James Cameron: Mr. Vice-President! I SEE YOU!

Biden: Jimmy! I can see you too. Eyes. Hell of a thing.

Cameron: No. ISEE... YOU.

Biden: Stellar. Come sit down, let’s talk. Jimbo, I saw Avatar with one of my grandkids. Loved it. Had a hell of a time. Cat monkeys. Tree cities. Sigourney Weaver. 3-D. Hell that damn red dragon thing scared me so bad my 5 year old granddaughter could barely get me to look back at the screen.

Cameron: I’m glad you enjoyed it my monumentally important film that was a game-changer in terms of the way movies are presented to an audience. That I made.

Biden: I wouldn’t know about that. Last film I saw in theatres was Bringing Up Baby. But my granddaughter, Janice is her name… wait… FLO!!!

Johnson: Yes.

Biden: Is Janice the one I saw the blue Pocahontas cat monkey movie with?

Johnson: I’m fairly sure you don’t have a granddaughter named Janice.

biden staring space
Biden: Then who the hell am I thinking of? I’m not thinking of that sexy musician muppet, am I?

Johnson: I wouldn’t even know where to begin…

(Biden turns back to Cameron)

Biden: Anyway, the brown-haired granddaughter told me that Avatar had a strong environmental message. So naturally, I think you’d be a perfect fit as the guest of honor for our Earth Day ceremonies.

Cameron: Yes, the environment is very important to me. That’s why I’m releasing Avatar on DVD and Blu-Ray this Earth Day. For me, the fight for the earth is a cause comparable to World War II. That’s why I used my movie that I made as a brilliantly subtle attack on militarism and anti-environmentalism. I can’t stand those who stand in the way of climate progress. I want to call those deniers out into the street at high noon and shoot it out with those boneheads. Anybody that is a global-warming denier at this point in time has got their head so deeply up their ass I’m not sure they could hear me.

Biden: Superb. I literally love that imagery. So it’s settled then: you’ll be the guest of honor, maybe we’ll do a special screening of Avatar, you can meet Janice, and I’ll get to ride one of those giant mechs with the huge Bowie knives.

Cameron: Agreed. Except about the mech part. Those were computer-generated mechs, Joe. I know I can make a convincing epic that blows your mind with how photo real and game changing it is that I made but those mechs weren’t real. Clearly.

Biden: Outta sight. I can’t wait to climb in one, maybe make Harry Reid shit himself again! But listen, this Earth Day thing isn’t the only reason I called you in. I may be the Veep, but that’s only a part time gig, Jim-Jam. I’m also a dynamic creative force, just like you.

(moves uncomfortably close to Cameron)

Biden: I got this idea for a movie. It’s the future and everyone is an orange dog person. Because of the environment. And there’s this guy and he’s the chosen guy. Huge deal. Up and comer. Real sad back story about losing family. Life spent on the Intergalactic Relations Committee. Then, just when he thinks he’s about to assume his rightful place as Space Leader of The Space Planet, a younger, darker orange dog guy cuts in front and relegates our hero to Vice-Space Leader. And they yell at him, send him on embarrassing diplomatic mission to Neo-Israel, talk about him behind his back, and are all like “Joe, stop abusing Harry Reid! Joe, Friday is not pants optional! Joe, stay out of the Presidential residence after midnight, you’re scaring the children!”

Cameron: What?

Biden: So you think you’ll make it? I figure I pick up a fee and some points on the back end. Some real Fuck You money, ya know? Who am I kidding, of course you know! You're Jimmy C!

Cameron: Listen, i don't care about money, I care about saving the world for my kids. That I made. How about that? Impressed? Of course you are.

Biden: I even have the hit theme figured out. Its a little scat-based number I came up with. Forget Celine Dion, I’ll power this baby to #1 myself.

biden croon



Biden Labor Day

biden disbelief
Biden: Croonin'! What do you think?

Cameron: The whole enterprise is a little hackneyed and unoriginal, even by my standards.

Biden: Look, you can either be a part of this Earth Day thing, give me a mech, and produce my movie or... maybe you’re the next US film ambassador to Kabul. You ever been to Kabul? Worse than Scranton.

Cameron: You know, now that I think about it, this just might work. And I know Michael Biehn is available…

Biden: Glad you see it my way.

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