Thursday, April 1, 2010

Our Betters: Joe assesses a successful first week


Rahm Emanuel: Listen, I don’t know what to do at this point. The POTUS wants his ass out of this office as fast as humanly possible, but with minimal ego bruising. We’ve been trying for the past few days, but he just doesn’t seem to get the hint. You’ve worked with him for a while, maybe you have some ideas.

Ronald Klain: Don’t put this shit on me. I may be his Chief of Staff, but that doesn’t mean I know how that tangled snarl of madness between his ears works.

Emanuel: Fuck that! This situation needs to be rectified! Where is he?

Klain: I have no idea… wait….

(perks ears up)

Klain: I think….

(distant sound of ass slapping)

Klain: He draws near…

(off-key singing of "Hail to the Chief", drawing closer)

Klain: Three... two...

(door flies open)

President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you doing? I feel like I could literally run through a brick wall, cock-first!

(slaps both on the ass, hard)

Biden: My old Chief of Staff and my new Chief of Staff together. Rumblin’, tumblin’, swapping notes, talkin’ shop. Fantastic! Ronnie buddy, I miss the hell out of you!

(awkwardly massages Klain’s shoulders)

Biden: Enough of that sentimental horseshit. It’s time we got down to the hard business of discussing the Biden Presidency.

Emanuel: Yeah… about that. You see…

Biden: I think it’s been a pretty damn good first few days, if you don’t mind my saying. We’ve hit the ground running.

Klain: No, see…

Biden: We’re literally fixin’ the problems of the American people. But I have my concerns about how smoothly the Biden Presidency is running…

Emanuel: Sir, you aren’t President. As we’ve made clear: just because President Obama went to Kabul doesn’t mean he “abdicated” or that you were in charge or anything. You are not the President.

Biden: Now, these concerns about my Presidency aren’t a reflection on any problems I have with you Rahm, or how smoothly you’ve run things. But I want things smoother. Baby’s ass smooth! That’s the kind of ship I used to run when I was the Veep, right Ron Jovi?

Klain: *sighs* You’re still the Vice-President…

Biden: First order of business: Michelle. Is she my wife now? Because I already have a wife. Jill. Doctor. Hell of a lass. I’m not saying’ Papa Joe wouldn’t mind a little double trouble, but there was some tension last night at dinner. I didn’t know whether to kiss Michelle or which of the little ones was Sasha and which one was Malia or what. Can I get a ruling?

Emanuel: You aren’t the fucking President. Michelle Obama isn’t your wife. Stay out of the residence. I don’t know why you would even think…

Biden: Second order of business….. Flo! FLO!!!

(a voice comes from outside the Oval Office)

Katherine Johnson: For the last time Mr. Vice-President my name is not “Flo”. My name is Katherine. Some people even choose to call me Katie…

Biden: Outstanding, Flo. How ‘bout you get us men a couple of scotches and sodas and some scotches without soda. Am I right!

(Biden punches Klain in the sternum, laughs.)

Johnson: Again, I am not a drinks girl. Nor am I here to get your laundry. I am the Personal Secretary to the President. And again, you are not the President.

Biden: Women in the workplace! Unbelievable. Now, back to what I was saying. I think that there are some staffing problems in my White House.

Emanuel: Dear God, shut up and leave.

Biden: I’m talking about the kitchen staff, mostly. Had a five-cheese pasta with my wife, Michelle, and the kids last night. I swear… I could only taste four.

Biden: Fontina… I think it was missing fontina....

(snaps back)

Biden: Anyway… you know what? FLO!!!

Johnson: Mr. Vice-Pres…

Biden: Belay that drink order. Get the entire White House staff up here right now.

Johnson: *sighs and dies a little inside* Fine.

Biden: Time to get down a jaw with them, Biden style. Right, Ronstoppable?

(White House staff crowds into Oval Office)

Biden: Come on in, make yourselves comfortable. People, I think this new Administration has the chance to be great, literally great. But it isn’t just us suits in the offices drinkin’ hot toddies that make the gears of this country spin; it’s the little people too. Lemme relate to you an unrelated story.

Klain: Oh God…

(Biden clears throat, wells up with pride)

Biden: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m from Scranton. Awful place. But back there they had a swimmin’ hole in a quarry that we used to dive in to from literally a hundred feet up. And we’d dive into it. The frightening part was you go down really far, I mean literally really far. So deep it's totally black. Your chest constricts, you panic and you don't know whether you're swimming down or up. But when you get about 12 to 14 feet from the top you see light and everything is OK. You're still 12 feet underwater, but it's OK. You see light.

(puzzled staff looks at Emanuel and Klain)

Biden: That's the American people, man. We've gotta give them light.

(strolls into the audience, pointing with both hands toward a sun-lit windows)

Emanuel: What the fuck?

Biden: So just give them the light. Whether it’s stopping yourself from calling me the Vice-President or not skimping on cheeses in dinner dishes or siding with the First Lady when she throws me out of the Presidential bed… we gotta get this ship tightened up! For the American people!

(smoke begins wafting in under the Oval Office door)

Emanuel: Thank fucking God.

(door flies open, cigarette smoke envelopes the room)

President Barack Obama: What the fuck is going on? Why is the entire goddamn staff in here? No one’s giving tours, opening doors, keeping watch, doing work. Seriously, what the fuck?

Biden: Barry! Well, you see... what was…

Obama: A 14-hour overnight flight from Kabul and I come back to this shit? For the last time, Joe, get the fuck out of my office and back to the Vice-Presidential residence. Don't make me ship you to the Middle East again.

Vice-President Joe Biden: *mumbling* Yes sir.

(does Charlie Brown walk out of Oval Office)

Obama: Everyone leave! Go do your jobs! This is supposed to be a serious place of business.

(everyone exits the Oval Office)

Emanuel: Thank you. We just couldn’t get him to leave.

Klain: I’ll up his meds or something.

Obama: No, no. I knew the score when I put him on the ticket. *sighs* You think Hillary or Evan Bayh would have given us this much hassle?

Emanuel: No fuckin' way, sir.

(Obama snaps fingers, points at swear jar)

Obama: Folding money, Rahm.

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