You wouldn't like Barry when he's angry

Much of the anger directed at President Obama over this whole massive oil catastrophe has been over his perceived lack of tangible, screaming, shaking his fist at the sky anger. Because apparently they expected Obama's calm, measured... almost comatose behavior in the face of nearly any obstacle or event would somehow now change. But that's what we, as a country, have decided to get mad at the President over. You know, instead of that thing where he continued the policy of dangerous deference and hiring industry cronies to look after the industry they were meant to me regulating.

But now you may be getting your wish: competent regulation of the oil industry MAD OBAMA! Yes, the man has practically shown a tangible emotion. And that emotion is rage! Sure it's deeply buried under what almost seems like a medicated calm, but it's there. Obama is pissed.

"I was down there a month ago before most of these talking heads were even paying attention to the Gulf," Obama told NBC's Matt Lauer. "I was meeting with fishermen in the rain talking about what a potential crisis this could be."I talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers -- so I know whose ass to kick," the president said.

After that he dramatically put his sunglasses on, took the lit cigarette from his mouth, said something about the oil being as black as BP CEO Tony Hayward's heart, flicked the cigarette into the pool of oil that Hayward was standing in, and then laughed as the flames engulfed his tortured screams. Then as the President walked away slowly he cocked his shotgun and said he was coming for the CEO's of Transocean and Halliburton.

Oh no, he wasn't done yet. Barry then talked about how he would have fired Hayward after he made all those idiotic statements about "wanting his life back" and how the oil spill was small... when compared to the entirety of the water contained in the world's oceans. Obama then knocked BP's corner cutting safety measures and how he hasn't talked to Hayward because he's not interested in the CEO's cheap words... he's interested in action.

So there we are, the President is maaaaaaaaaad. It only took several weeks, but now he's using curse words on the TV. Soooooo... I guess everything is fixed now? No? But the news said he needed to get mad. Maybe he has to say "fuck" to Katie Couric, slug a Saudi sheik in the jaw, and go desecrate the grave of Edwin Drake. Then we'll be on the right track.

Quote of the day

The Capitol is abuzz today with our elected betters taking easy swings at our financial betters. Yes, daddy and mommy are fighting. But it's easy to swing verbal haymakers at Goldman-Sachs. Fun too. But more difficult is doing something to actually make sure Goldman-Sachs and their ilk aren't able to set everyone's money on fire. As the deficiencies in the Dodd financial reform bill and the difficulties in even getting that mediocre reform through have shown.

But we knew the bill would be weak and the GOP would filibuster and be aided by the same asshole Democrats who are always willing to lend a helpful hand. So this Goldman-Sachs hearing and SEC lawsuit are just an unexpected bonus that lets us feel as if something is happening that will have actual long lasting or important consequences. It won't, but at least there was a bunch of swearing going on during it. A fuck-ton of swearing! By elected officials!

"Boy," Levin said, reading from an internal June 22, 2007 Goldman email, "that Timberwolf is one shitty deal."

"How much of that shitty deal did you sell to your clients after June 22, 2007?" Levin asked Sparks.

"Mr. Chairman, I don't know the answer to that, but the price would have reflected levels that they wanted to invest in at the time."

Levin: But you didn't tell them you thought it was a shitty deal.

Sparks: I didn't say that.

Levin: No. Who did? Your people. Internally. You knew it was a shitty deal and that's what your email shows.

"Should Goldman Sachs be trying to sell a shitty deal?" Levin demanded. "Can you answer that one yes or no?"

Sparks didn't.

Then Levin banged his fist off the desk and asked Sparks "You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? I'm gonna ask you again, did you or didn't you? Just answer the question."

So a word of thanks to Senator Levin. Sure, nothing is really going to happen to Goldman or any of the other companies that jugfucked the American people, but at least we got to hear some swearing. If one of the other Senators could fire a gun into the air, flash a little skin, or dramatically rip off their sunglasses while quipping about a corpse, this hearing would encompass everything Americans love. We don't need you to govern competently, just spice it up some when you're sifting through the wreckage of things you failed to foresee.

Our Betters: Joe assesses a successful first week

INT. OVAL OFFICE


Rahm Emanuel: Listen, I don’t know what to do at this point. The POTUS wants his ass out of this office as fast as humanly possible, but with minimal ego bruising. We’ve been trying for the past few days, but he just doesn’t seem to get the hint. You’ve worked with him for a while, maybe you have some ideas.


Ronald Klain: Don’t put this shit on me. I may be his Chief of Staff, but that doesn’t mean I know how that tangled snarl of madness between his ears works.

Emanuel: Fuck that! This situation needs to be rectified! Where is he?

Klain: I have no idea… wait….

(perks ears up)

Klain: I think….

(distant sound of ass slapping)

Klain: He draws near…

(off-key singing of "Hail to the Chief", drawing closer)

Klain: Three... two...

(door flies open)


President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you doing? I feel like I could literally run through a brick wall, cock-first!

(slaps both on the ass, hard)

Biden: My old Chief of Staff and my new Chief of Staff together. Rumblin’, tumblin’, swapping notes, talkin’ shop. Fantastic! Ronnie buddy, I miss the hell out of you!

(awkwardly massages Klain’s shoulders)

Biden: Enough of that sentimental horseshit. It’s time we got down to the hard business of discussing the Biden Presidency.

Emanuel: Yeah… about that. You see…

Biden: I think it’s been a pretty damn good first few days, if you don’t mind my saying. We’ve hit the ground running.

Klain: No, see…

Biden: We’re literally fixin’ the problems of the American people. But I have my concerns about how smoothly the Biden Presidency is running…

Emanuel: Sir, you aren’t President. As we’ve made clear: just because President Obama went to Kabul doesn’t mean he “abdicated” or that you were in charge or anything. You are not the President.

Biden: Now, these concerns about my Presidency aren’t a reflection on any problems I have with you Rahm, or how smoothly you’ve run things. But I want things smoother. Baby’s ass smooth! That’s the kind of ship I used to run when I was the Veep, right Ron Jovi?

Klain: *sighs* You’re still the Vice-President…

Biden: First order of business: Michelle. Is she my wife now? Because I already have a wife. Jill. Doctor. Hell of a lass. I’m not saying’ Papa Joe wouldn’t mind a little double trouble, but there was some tension last night at dinner. I didn’t know whether to kiss Michelle or which of the little ones was Sasha and which one was Malia or what. Can I get a ruling?

Emanuel: You aren’t the fucking President. Michelle Obama isn’t your wife. Stay out of the residence. I don’t know why you would even think…

Biden: Second order of business….. Flo! FLO!!!

(a voice comes from outside the Oval Office)


Katherine Johnson: For the last time Mr. Vice-President my name is not “Flo”. My name is Katherine. Some people even choose to call me Katie…

Biden: Outstanding, Flo. How ‘bout you get us men a couple of scotches and sodas and some scotches without soda. Am I right!

(Biden punches Klain in the sternum, laughs.)

Johnson: Again, I am not a drinks girl. Nor am I here to get your laundry. I am the Personal Secretary to the President. And again, you are not the President.


Biden: Women in the workplace! Unbelievable. Now, back to what I was saying. I think that there are some staffing problems in my White House.

Emanuel: Dear God, shut up and leave.

Biden: I’m talking about the kitchen staff, mostly. Had a five-cheese pasta with my wife, Michelle, and the kids last night. I swear… I could only taste four.


Biden: Fontina… I think it was missing fontina....

(snaps back)


Biden: Anyway… you know what? FLO!!!

Johnson: Mr. Vice-Pres…

Biden: Belay that drink order. Get the entire White House staff up here right now.

Johnson: *sighs and dies a little inside* Fine.

Biden: Time to get down a jaw with them, Biden style. Right, Ronstoppable?

(White House staff crowds into Oval Office)


Biden: Come on in, make yourselves comfortable. People, I think this new Administration has the chance to be great, literally great. But it isn’t just us suits in the offices drinkin’ hot toddies that make the gears of this country spin; it’s the little people too. Lemme relate to you an unrelated story.

Klain: Oh God…

(Biden clears throat, wells up with pride)

Biden: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m from Scranton. Awful place. But back there they had a swimmin’ hole in a quarry that we used to dive in to from literally a hundred feet up. And we’d dive into it. The frightening part was you go down really far, I mean literally really far. So deep it's totally black. Your chest constricts, you panic and you don't know whether you're swimming down or up. But when you get about 12 to 14 feet from the top you see light and everything is OK. You're still 12 feet underwater, but it's OK. You see light.

(puzzled staff looks at Emanuel and Klain)

Biden: That's the American people, man. We've gotta give them light.

(strolls into the audience, pointing with both hands toward a sun-lit windows)

Emanuel: What the fuck?

Biden: So just give them the light. Whether it’s stopping yourself from calling me the Vice-President or not skimping on cheeses in dinner dishes or siding with the First Lady when she throws me out of the Presidential bed… we gotta get this ship tightened up! For the American people!

(smoke begins wafting in under the Oval Office door)

Emanuel: Thank fucking God.

(door flies open, cigarette smoke envelopes the room)


President Barack Obama: What the fuck is going on? Why is the entire goddamn staff in here? No one’s giving tours, opening doors, keeping watch, doing work. Seriously, what the fuck?

Biden: Barry! Well, you see... what was…

Obama: A 14-hour overnight flight from Kabul and I come back to this shit? For the last time, Joe, get the fuck out of my office and back to the Vice-Presidential residence. Don't make me ship you to the Middle East again.


Vice-President Joe Biden: *mumbling* Yes sir.

(does Charlie Brown walk out of Oval Office)

Obama: Everyone leave! Go do your jobs! This is supposed to be a serious place of business.

(everyone exits the Oval Office)

Emanuel: Thank you. We just couldn’t get him to leave.

Klain: I’ll up his meds or something.

Obama: No, no. I knew the score when I put him on the ticket. *sighs* You think Hillary or Evan Bayh would have given us this much hassle?

Emanuel: No fuckin' way, sir.

(Obama snaps fingers, points at swear jar)

Obama: Folding money, Rahm.

T-Shirt of the Day

Team Obama is hip. They're down with the lingo. One need look no further for proof than the barackobama.com store, which is now featuring this t-shirt. Pick one up and swear politely in public, not impolitely in private like Rahm.