The Governor, moments after he realized he'd have to star in Terminator 5 and Predator 3 just to keep the schools openSACRAMENTO—Amid reports of a state budget crisis that threatens to perpetuate government shutdowns, service cuts, missed payments, and defaulted loans, California reassured the world today that everything is copacetic and that the world's 7th largest economy is "totally good for it."
At a press conference held earlier today, Assistant Press Secretary, Barry "Skeeter" Hamilton sought to quell rumors that the state, which has been in a somewhat dire fiscal condition for years now, was in danger of watching its government and infrastructure completely collapse.
"Dude," Hamilton, who asked to be referred to as Skeeter in the press, began, "We totally just want to tell everyone not to panic. Really, chill. Sure, we got some problems, brah. But who doesn't? I mean, Iran just had that coup and Honduras is trying to figure out how to get away with rigging their presidential election. Speaking of which, why do they call it 'rigging?' Isn't that rope? I mean, if you think about it..."
After flashbulbs from the attendant press roused him, Skeeter continued, "Yeah, so don't go blowing your top. Tops. Top top top... So, yeah, trust us. We'll get you the money, we swear. We're totally good for. We're Cali, baby, we'll come through. We just, like, need a little time to sort some shit out. And if we start to totally get hosed, we'll just bring in Blotter."
It was at this point that Mr. Hamilton proceeded to spin an elaborate story about how bail money for California's deadbeat cousin, lackluster returns from a t-shirt & grilled cheese sale in the parking lot of a Widespread Panic show, and an utterly asinine political system that leaves government at the propositional whims of a notoriously head-fucked electorate had left the state "just a little shy" of the $24 billion required to keep it solvent for the next fiscal year.
The solution, according to Skeeter, will come in the form of IOU's issued to creditors, which he assured everyone were, "like, totally as good as money." Skeeter then added, "Come on, man. We're fucking California! You know we're gonna make up for it. Where are we gonna hide? Ask around, brah, people will tell you we're cool."
Despite California's reassurances, the situation looks more dire by the day. Some reports have Governor Schwarzenegger accepting new movie roles in exchange for studios subsidizing essential services, while others claim that parts of the state have been discounted and offered to Mexico as part of a new "sorry we stole it in the first place" sale.
California is not the only state to face potential fiscal crisis during the recession. Indiana has elected to print counterfeit money, while Illinois issued a formal statement declaring its intention to "break the thumbs" of anyone who tried to collect on its debt.
Pennsylvania absconded with all of its possessions in the middle of the night, leaving no forwarding address. Fastened to its front door with a kitchen knife was a note reading, "You'll never see a fucking dime."
Arizona was able to settle an undisclosed but reportedly significant portion of its debt by marrying Cindy McCain and letting her take care of the bills, whereas Ohio sought a temporary solution by paying for its education and social programs with credit cards taken out in California's name.
Connecticut was curious as to why some creditors and lawmakers had thought it was in financial trouble, as it "totally remembers writing a check for the bill and sending it off.” The Nutmeg State attributed what it called "wildly speculative and reactionary paranoia" to a simple postal error, ensuring its state programs that the check was in the mail.
Those who think California's plan to hand out IOU's in lieu of payment was, at best, extremely childish and, at worst, completely fucking ridiculous, were told by the state that any contractor, construction firm, social services center, hospital, or out-of-state debtor unhappy with the plan can redeem their IOU in Washington DC, where The Golden State suspects most of its confiscated weed is kept.
The state also announced that it is willing to perform free massages and engage in a discussion of the recently published policy paper by the State Budget Office entitled "A Study on the Feasibility and Viability of Pleasant Conclusions."
After strongly suggested that all in attendance "Read it and shit," Skeeter told those assembled he would give them further details after he laid down for a bit and recovered from "that laser light that hit me in the eye at the Blue Oyster Cult show."
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