Broken News: Jeff Gordon not willing to concede possibility he was riding a horse during last race

Gordon's #24 Chevrolet racecar. Complete with a 90-degree pushrod V-8, cast-iron block, and a Holley four-barrel carburetor.

CHICAGO-At a loss to explain his recent last place finish at Chicagoland Raceway’s Yoplait Light Very Berry Medley 400 last week, NASCAR legend Jeff Gordon is refusing to lend credence to race analyst’s contention that he was riding a horse for the duration of the Sprint Cup Series race.

“I'm insulted that someone would claim that I am unable, after decades spent within the racing industry, to tell the difference between a 3,400-pound Chevrolet and a horse with bumper stickers on its ass,” said the clearly agitated racer during an interview yesterday. “These people are just taking mean-spirited shots at me. I’m not going to take the easy way out and let their baseless accusations provide excuses for why I finished so poorly. To be honest, I felt the car was performing well when we went through pre-race checks. The saddle was on tight and the car had been washed and brushed. I felt like we were going to do well. I just didn’t perform up to my regular level. This one's on me.”

Team insiders are also pointing to other mistakes that could well have hampered Gordon’s performance. Noting the car’s constant unease and easily spooked manner when out on the track, surrounded by the sound, speed, and intensity of the rest of the cars, many are blaming Gordon for failing to calm the startled automobile.

“I’m just saying, the car looked freaked out. Maybe he should have given it a sugar cube or carrot, patted its head or something,” said one disgruntled mechanic. “The fact that the fucking auto’s constant whinnying in its pen the night before left us exhausted come race-day didn’t help either!”

Still, others are pleading with fans not to put the blame on Gordon.

“Look I’m the one that has to get the car prepped, so if anyone is to blame here it’s me,” said Gordon’s pit crew chief Steve Letarte. "During that pit stop on lap 60 we had trouble getting the metal shoes off and putting on the new ones we had forged in our foundry. That kind of thing costs a man precious time. Jeff can’t be blamed for that. And I won’t sit here a let some TV talking head try to say that just because I can’t re-shoe a car right that #24 doesn’t know the difference between a machine and a flesh and blood animal.”

When asked what steps the crew might be taking for the next race, Letarte was unsure. “Certainly, we can improve our timing on the pit stops. That much is easy enough to correct. But we’re going to need to deal with the fact that not only did we finish last, but that by the time the event had ended we had barely even completed a quarter of the race. Try as we might, we just couldn’t get the damn machine to go faster than 37 miles per hour. We’re thinking maybe that was a fuel problem. So next race we’re going to go with more oats and less barley. Maybe even add in some sorghum, see if that makes any difference.”

Sources close to the team even reveal that Gordon’s #24 DuPont Chevrolet Race Team is in talks with Boeing to develop a lighter, more aerodynamic titanium shoe and perhaps a carbon fiber resin they can affix to the car’s hooves in order to help the auto be better able to withstand the tough racetrack tarmac.

“Anything to help take the burden of the car’s brittle legs,” a team official was heard to say.

Team Manager Michael Landis was also eager to announce a partnership with new sponsor, Scrunchie. “With the good people at Scrunchie joining our team, we’ll finally be able to forge ahead, win some races, and get rid of that nagging problem we had last race where the cars mane kept getting in its eyes. Now, our car will be able to see the entire track.”

Even with all the controversy and accusations of animal abuse flying around, Gordon was unwilling to let it affect him. “People can say what they want: that I’m an idiot, that basic cognitive recognition skills elude me, and that my actions are leading to an inevitable finale where NASCAR might have to have my car ‘put down.’ But they can never question my desire to win and perform at the highest level.”

“Isn’t that right, girl?” Gordon asked his car, stroking its muzzle. Just before placing a carrot in his mouth and feeding the car in the warm, affectionate manner typically reserved for spouses, Gordon added, “We’ll show them all at Talladega, won't we? Yeah, baby, that's right.”