Broken News: America to finally turn it all around this year

Banksy

WASHINGTON--A staggered and disoriented America formally declared over the weekend that this will be the year that it finally gets its shit in gear. The world's lone superpower took the occasion of its 233rd birthday to promise all those in attendance that they would soon see a completely different country.

"I'm fucking done," said a clearly inebriated America early Sunday morning after falling down in the middle of the street and cutting its palm on some glass. "After tonight, I'm done. No more drinking or wrecking the world economy or incinerating the mud people. For serious."

Witness say that America continued to shout these hazy promises while being carried home by Israel and Great Britain. Several present claimed that America apologized profusely for its pedestrian culture, dependence on firearms and religion for self-confidence, and repeatedly insisted it was done financing revolutions on at least three continents.

At one point the nation was heard to scream, "I used to be loved. Revered, even. Was it the Barbary Coast thing? Vietnam? McDonald's? Michelle Malkin? Just tell me what I did wrong! Why don't you love me anymore? This is the year. I'm taking economics classes at the Community College. I've even kind-of stopped gay bashing. I'm not mailing my excrement as a diplomatic tactic anymore and I'm even tentatively planning on possibly taking better care of my health. Look at this tan!"

It was at his point that America struggled free of the United Kingdom's grasp, tripped and fell into the gutter. "Fuck man, I feel so low... so low," the hulking man-baby sobbed into his flag bandanna. "I need help man. I really need some help here. Someone tell the Cherokee I'm sorry."

While most of the world was quick to applaud America's booze-fueled introspection, many nations remain skeptical.

"Look, I might give America the benefit of the doubt if we didn't hear this every year," noted ally Canada.

"Every time the first week of July rolls around, America goes on this three-day bender and then comes out of it with a giant headache and a slightly smaller ego. Was that sad bastard jabbering about the Indians again this year?"

"Five months from now I still expect to get a call from America telling me he's wasted off his ass in Iran and that I need to either come pick him up or join the party," observed frequent military tag-along Australia. "Fingers crossed, we won't have to stage another intervention at the UN. He always just vetoes our suggestions, talks about how he pays for 'this whole goddamn global clusterfuck', and yells at us to 'get off his land'."

This marked the 5th straight year that America declared through a crippling hangover its intention to straighten up and fly right. This streak would now rest at 22 consecutive years if not for the period between 2001-2004 when America steadfastly refused to apologize for anything.

"I've heard this song and dance before. First it was all 'I'm not ever gonna mess with small, jungle countries over communism again' Then I get clubbed on the back of my head and when I wake up my house has been ransacked," a still angry Grenada was heard to say. "He's a complete bullshit artist."

Still, others in the global community suggest that America might have been too hard on itself.

"To be honest, I don't think America needs to change one bit," said owner Saudi Arabia. "No need to get all Catholic about things, you know?"

This sentiment was echoed by co-owner China, who called America's conduct, "Adequate," claiming the United States "hasn't done anything I wouldn't, or don't, do."

In light of the weekend's activities, experts predict that America will dry out for a week or two before returning to the manner of activity that so wracked the country with guilt in the first place. For its part, America insists that this time will be different, that it has truly changed, and just needs a Rocky-like training montage to "fix everything, you'll see."