Broken In Brief: America officially back off soccer bandwagon...again

USA! USA! USA!—In the weeks following the United States Men’s Soccer Team’s second place finish in the FIFA Confederations Cup, the country has paused to reflect on its sports viewing habits. This bout of introspection culminated yesterday in a joint statement, signed by nearly all of America's 300 million residents, formally declaring that the country is "no longer all that interested in soccer... or 'futbol', if the world must insist on calling it that."

“Those were heady times, when we heard we might do well at something we didn’t care about, but we’re just not interested anymore,” said group spokesman Jay Adams, an unemployed steam fitter from Duluth.

“First we were told there was a tournament going on, then we somehow got into the second round despite losing a lot, then we played Spain, who we were told was good. Then we won, then we played Brazil, who we remembered was good because they had Pele or some shit, and then we lost after leading for a bit. It was mildly interesting, but ultimately we didn't win. What really got me was that all my foreign friends just kept telling us that no one even cared about the Confederate Cup anyway. Must have something to do with bad feelings over the Civil War and Jefferson Davis. Soccer... meh. Pass.”

As for what it plans to try to get interested in next, America had been trending towards men’s tennis. But with what spectators described as “the American guy” losing to “the Fedorov guy” at “Wimbledome”, those plans have been scrapped, pending American domination. Sources close to the world superpower say it will give soccer another chance during the 2010 World Cup when the enthusiasm of the rest of the world will give citizens pause and make them wonder “what the big deal is” again. It is expected America will once again pass on soccer after that event ends.

Until that time most Americans will just impatiently mark their calendars and look at their watches while waiting for NFL training camps to begin.