Damn you, The West

It's not a good day to be a meddling power with megalomaniacal desires and Bond villan type machinations on the Middle East. Our fiendish Western plots are being figured out left and right. First was today's plane crash in Iran, which killed 168. I'm sure in the coming days we'll find that not only was this orchestrated by Barack Hussein Obama, whilst sitting in his ovaled office stroking a white cat, but that it was done in conjunction with Hossein Mousavi in an attempt to de-legitimize the rightfully "elected" "government" of Iran. Then there's Israel, which has taken a new, heinous step in its war against the Palestinians: boner gum.

Hamas suspects that Israeli intelligence services are supplying its Gaza Strip stronghold with chewing gum that boosts the sex drive in order to "corrupt the young," an official has said.
...
The story came to light after a Palestinian man filed a complaint that his daughter had experienced "dubious side effects" after chewing the offending gum, Israeli media reported.

The Israeli military declined to comment officially on the allegations, which one military source termed "absurd."

Oh you would deny this, Israel! But your secret Spanish Fly Bubblelicious and Rhino Horn Fruit Stripe gum has been discovered! Hamas was too polite to overtly say what these "dubious side effects" were, but we know: exposed wrists and ankles, signifying the extreme excesses of Western harlotry and whoreishness. We know what's next: the dancing to the rock'n'roll music. They're on to you, The West. No more plane crashes, no more BBC led revolutions, and cease with the boner gum and any other arousing chocolates or lascivious sodas you try to unleash on unsuspecting populaces. This will not stand.