HOLLYWOOD—In the wake of the release of the blockbuster Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, a film which, much to the consternation of anyone with taste, has grossed nearly $750 million dollars worldwide, director Michael Bay has announced his next project: an adaptation of James Joyce’s literary classic, Ulysses.
“I just want to prove to my critics that I’m not a dumbass and shit, that I recognize art as something other than the stuff I pay some gay-ass designer to put up on my walls,” said the man-child while sitting poolside atop his emaciated model throne at one of his multi-million dollar estates. “So I Googled ‘good books,’ and after finding out that they had already made the DaVinci Code, I stumbled onto a list made by some egghead fag who said Ulysses was the best, so I bought the rights. Now I'm gonna film this bitch.”
The script, written by Transformers scribes Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, has already jettisoned the novel’s complex structure in favor of a more linear, three-act form. They have also discarded Joyce's stream-of-consciousness method of describing protagonist Leopold Bloom's single-day journey through Dublin and replaced it with a descent into the criminal underworld of Hong Kong.
“Yeah, Joyce’s shit doesn’t really translate to film, so we’re improving it,” said Bay during a brief pause in the daily dark art ritual that honors his pact with Satan. “I mean, I only really scanned the top of the Wikipedia page for the book and that sounded boring. A bunch of shit about the Odyssey, which I haven’t read, and allegory, whatever that is. Fuck that with a stick.”
He continued “It did mention something about Modernism, so I think fans of the book will be happy that we will use the most modern pyrotechnics and CG techniques to realize Joyce’s vision. You know, stuff like the epic car chase between Bloom’s rogue ex-cop character and Stephen Dedalus’ international drug kingpin. Plus I saw a mention of jokes, puns, parodies, and allusions being a large part of the work, so I told the writers to add in a stereotypical, jive-talking, wise crackin’ black sidekick for Bloom, so as to better stress Joyce’s themes.”
Bay hopes to have his $200 million production of Ulysses ready for release in the summer of 2012.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
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