BEAVERTON, OR--Nike, the world's leading supplier of athletic shoes and apparel, and a driving force behind the indentured servant trade in much of southeast Asia, has announced a major re-branding initiative. The campaign, entitled Nike: Cauterize, involves packaging each pair of shoes and certain high-end athletic gear with a piece of iron in the shape of the iconic Nike "swoosh" logo that salespeople will use on the consumer's skin after a purchase has been completed.
The initiative is believed to be the first corporate effort in nearly 150 years to involve permanent body modification, a "brand loyalty" tactic begun by Hammurabi and made famous by another international economic powerhouse, the Dutch East India Company.
"We at Nike are immensely proud of this historic step forward in brand-to-customer relations," said Nike spokesdemon Marissa Florentine. "This initiative targets a more youthful demographic who want not just their clothing but also their epidermis to reflect their unique personality. Nike: Cauterize offers our customers a new level of self-expression, coolness, and edginess. Plus, kids like fire."
Consumer advocates were slow to respond. Jara McCoy of Consumer Rights International announced, "Frankly, we're speechless. Everyone knows that Nike is a massive, morally-bankrupt corporation that exploits third-world labor for profit under the guise of selling products that improve physical health but, even for them, this is a bit much."
Continued McCoy, "Is this shit even legal?"
Accompanying today's press release was a statement from Nike's legal department assuring that selling the Nike: Cauterize Branding Brand (TM) follows established US legal guidelines.
"The manufacture and distribution of the Nike: Cauterize Branding Brand (TM) is in no way illegal and the purchase of said products constitutes a legally binding contract stating the customer's willful intention to wear our logo. Permanently," wrote company lawyer Melvin Matheson.
"By purchasing Nike products, the consumer tacitly acknowledges he or she is about to be permanently scarred by a sales clerk. In doing so, said purchaser relieves Nike, Inc. and all of its subsidiaries from any legal, monetary or moral repercussions."
The statement concluded with the line, "And yes, this shit is totally legal."
Marketing analysts were also quick to point out that Nike's new brand strategy is an extension of a marketing tactic that Starbucks unsuccessfully tried late last year. The pilot program, tested at several franchises around the US, involved random customers being forcibly held down by baristas while scalding hot coffee was poured over an official Starbucks logo stencil applied to the patron's forehead.
The plan was abandoned when the test subjects' foreheads cleared up after quick medical attention and weeks of topical cream applications. Customers later complained that they weren't given enough logo options to truly differentiate themselves as both Starbucks consumers and individuals.
Advertisers and brand analysts cheered the rollout. Nike's (NYSE: NKE) stock had risen 6.1% by press time.
"I think this is represents a new day for consumer individualization," said AdWeek columnist Melanie Chambers.
"These days, it is all about not only capturing that youth demographic but also allowing them to assert themselves as unique, cutting edge, and intellectually assertive human beings. As we all know, body modification is a classic method of displaying creative individuality," Chambers said as she turned and lifted the back of her top to reveal a tattoo at the base of her spine. "It's Hebrew for beautiful angel. I think."
Should Nike: Cauterize proves popular, the company hopes to unleash a second phase of the program in early 2010. Tentatively dubbed "Nike: Vision," the initiative would involve Lasik surgery technology being used to carve a Nike logo onto a consumer's retina, ensuring he or she will view the world through the "swoosh" logo.
Other extensions of the line are in development as well, namely a battery powered shoe that shocks the wearer when more than five minutes pass without Nike being mentioned. And while insiders are tight lipped, Nike CEO Phil Knight has casually mentioned a genetics project, rumored to involve the modification of skin pigments to display the "swoosh" logo on the highly visibile parts of the body.
How this apparent return to unbridled Prima Facie capitalism will eventually turn out is anyone's guess. For now, rumors continue to circulate about similar campaigns in the works by Von Dutch, Vitamin Water, and Baby Gap.
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