Broken News: Horrible creature plans to shit out romantic comedy into movie theaters

HOLLYWOOD—In what can only be considered a terroristic threat against decency and quality, screenwriter/director David Holkins has announced that he has recently completed the script for a new romantic comedy that he fully intends to film and then distribute at theaters nationwide. The project, tentatively titled Love Can Happen, threatens to shake the foundations of countless couples, decimating naive male suitors and over-expectant females across the nation, courtesy of a "can't miss" mass-marketing campaign.

“I think this is going to be my best one yet,” gushed the human wasteland, oblivious to the mental hell he will thrust upon an unsuspecting populace.

“I spent a lot of time trying to find the right mix of romance and comedy, heart and humour,” lied the twisted creature, pretending he didn't just spend two eight-hour days trafficking in 'men like boobies and sports, women like shopping and fashion' stereotypes.

The brain vandal seemed unaware that he simply plugs these tropes into the same basic six-decade-old outline designed to ensure that the main points anyone takes away from his films are that you either have to subsume your own interests and identity in order to get married, or you have to break the spirit of the other person in order to build them back into someone you can actually love.

Holkins, twisted wretch that he is, first came to prominence as the writer of 2001's hit Made for You, in which a work-a-holic advertising rep for a Madison Avenue firm was wooed by a carefree slacker-type dolphin trainer after a chance encounter at a novelty knitting shop. The detestable cretin followed this abomination with back-to-back favorites, Didn't Plan for This and Dancing Fools. Both centered on wedding planners so immersed in their careers that they never found time for love, but were shaken out of their complacency by carefree rogues who taught them the true meaning of love and, in the case of Dancing Fools, the Tango.

"We couldn't be more excited to begin production," said Frank Gaston, executive producer on all of Holkins' films, who if not an active force for evil is at the very least willingly complicit in the unsolicited anal rape of the human soul. "Casting has already started and we hope to land Matthew McConaughey for the main male character of Matthew McConaughey. We're also in talks with Jennifer Aniston's people to see if she's interested in playing the part of Jennifer Aniston. We believe that these are the parts each was born to play, mostly because these are the parts they've been playing for the last decade."

After primary casting has concluded, Gaston will move to fill the supporting roles of "dead inside, unlikeable shrew best friend", "irrepressible, foul-mouthed poonhound best brah", "gay-as-Christmas boss", "slapstick ethnic neighbor", and "implausibly evil rival male and/or female romantic interest." Hopes are high that the project will attract hot new character actors who not only need the money, but are able to convince themselves that because they don't star in the film, not appear on any posters, they aren't actually contributing to all that is wrong with the world while irrevocable damaging their careers.

The attention of these soulless intellectual SARS infections will then turn to finding the improbably nice neighborhoods, houses, jobsites, offices, cars, housewares, electronics, and clothes that will invariably and inexplicably populate the lives of people with seemingly middle-class jobs and resumes.

"Just think, if we can land Matthew and Jennifer... BOOM... there's our Grant and Hepburn," gushed the witless wonder, showing a complete lack of regard for film history, romantic chemistry, or acting while in the same breath denigrating the memories and careers of long-dead stars who must now be perpetually spinning in their earthen tombs.

While the film has yet to even begin production, executives plan to make it a centerpiece of their Fall 2010 schedule.

"Oh, we're going big with this. You'll be seeing the fucking ads on the backs of your eyelids," said Gerald Eastman, VP of Marketing at Columbia Pictures, avowed hellspawn, and mortal enemy of quality. "Some thought we couldn't sink any lower than we did with that Ugly Truth brain rape, but that magnificent bastard Holkins gave us another chance to inflict permanent damage on actual relationships while crippling the basic concept of what a relationship should even be. The beauty is, killing relationships and ruining lives only increases the size of our key demographic!"

Columbia has already shuffled its fall 2010 release schedule to make Love Can Happen the seasonal centerpiece, along with Untitled Unfunny Jack Black Comedy, Untitled Non-Pixar-Related CG Animal Movie, Untitled Unnecessary Remake, and Untitled Piece-of-Shit Adaptation of 80's Toy Line. In fact, to free up funding for Holkins' cinematic stillbirth, Columbia has canceled pre-production on projects by P.T. Anderson, David Fincher, and Darren Aronofsky.

"I'm just happy that I was given this gift, this ability to delight, entertain and truly touch so many people with my work," said the cretin in perhaps some new form of cruel satire or, more likely, delusional ramblings from an intellectually and creatively bankrupt monster who is ignorant of his crimes against art. "I just can't wait for everyone to see what I've been pouring my heart into. I want to show them that, well, Love Can Happen!"