Broken In Brief: Nice Guy Rallies, Finishes 4th

CINCINNATI--In a stunning challenge to the maddeningly true maxim, local advertising copy writer, avid jogger, and all-around nice guy Timothy Shearer, 27, staged a late-evening rally to finish 4th in a field of six.

Shearer, who was competing against five other suitors for the affections of 25 year-old Caitlyn McBree, clinched his place in the standings by offering to call a cab for suitors 5 and 6, who had passed out in each others' vomit just before the final standings were released. He then proceeded to sit with them until the cab arrived, giving his cell phone number to the cab driver and telling the man to call him when the two arrived home safely.

Finishing in 1st was reigning champion Tyson "Ty" Warner, a junior account analyst at Fauston-Wilkes, Cincinnati's lead investment firm. This marks the seventh consecutive Saturday that Wilkes, a graduate of Princeton University, amateur kickboxer, and semi-professional douchebag, has left the bar accompanied by Ms. McBree.

Second and third place went to the Umberger twins, German gymnasts who were visiting family for the weekend. The square-jawed, musclebound duo produced a strong showing despite knowing only a few phrases of English, one of which, courtesy of Mr. Warner, was "fuckfistastic pussy fart."

When asked to comment on his 4th place rally, Shearer only noted that he was "happy to be there" and, over the snickering of onlookers, that he hoped Ms. McBree would come to respect his efforts and consent to talk to him next week. He then left to do charity work mentoring inner-city youths, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Warner had charged his entire bar tab on Shearer's credit card.