Broken News: Historians declare last week 'best' in human history

PRINCETON—After surveying the vast expanse of human history and the monumental events that shaped it, a collective of historians working out of Princeton University have officially decided that last week was "the best" in human history.

“Yeah, we kind of got the idea from that VH1 show,” said Professor of European Studies and spokesman for the group, Dr. Ehren Collins. "It was on in the background during our monthly poker night and at one point I wondered aloud about what might constitute the best week in human history. This naturally led to securing funding for a comprehensive study of all weeks since forever ago and, uh, yeah... last week was the best. Ever. Officially."

While the group was loathe to unveil what they swear is a complex methodology, they were willing to state why they felt last week was the best humanity had ever put together. At the crux of the matter were several things: the “keyboard cat” Internet meme going mainstream, a man in Portugal finding 20 Euros in a pair of dirty jeans, a beloved family alpaca being returned to a small village in southeast Peru, the new Terminator movie coming out and being "kind of OK," and two of the professors incurring no red lights on their Wednesday morning commutes to the university.

“Really when you go back and look at history, it’s the small things that make the difference,” observed Dan Farmer, a grad student serving as a research assistant on the project. “I mean, people in the 1700’s didn’t even have the Internet or indoor toilets, so how could one of their weeks beat one of ours? That would have to be a pretty damn good week. But we went and looked and found out they weren’t. Turns out that that 18th century pretty much sucked ass. Lots of dirty fingers and venereal disease. No penicillin. When you get up to present times the little things can push a given week up or down. Both professors getting no reds seems to have pushed last week over the top, with most other recent weeks kind of blurring together."

Sources close to the research team say that last week narrowly edged out the first week of July 1954, when Steve Allen said “balls” on national TV, a cashier forgot to ring up a can of peaches for a Liverpool woman, Mao Zedong banged his knee off an end table really hard, a new duck entertained patrons at a Paris pond, and Scandinavian nations banded together to create the Nordic Passport Union.

Another nominee, the third week of October, 1861, featured not only the first transcontinental telegram transmitted on American soil but also, somewhat ironically, the fastest 1,200-mile Pony Express transit ever recorded. Additionally, Buford Jennings of Livingston, Montana was finally able to extricate his dick out of a local cow.

A late push by Humanities Professor Hank Blumfield to consider an April week in 1976 where he won $50 at the dog track, almost convinced his wife to participate in a three-way, found half of an uneaten egg salad sandwich at a bus depot, and the Cincinnati Reds won four games in a row was dismissed as “too self-centered and lacking the broad vision required of such a landmark study.”

When asked why they didn’t seem to factor in things like the Industrial Revolution or D-Day, Dr. Collins grew incredulous.

“The Industrial Revolution? That took decades! Stop talking out your ass. As for D-Day, I bet that wasn’t such a great week for the soldiers, civilians, or random livestock in the area. Plus, while the invasion officially began on the 6th, the planning and build-up had been going on for weeks beforehand. Not to mention the fact that the continuing movement of men and materials extended for weeks thereafter. So, not really ‘one week’ if you want to get methodical about things. Though maybe when we do ‘Best Month Ever’ it’ll come up.”

The group hopes to have a comprehensive book listing every week ranked in order out in stores by the end of summer. Until then they plan to maintain a blog which they will use to rate and rank the preceding week on their ever-expanding list, presumably until Viacom sues the everliving shit out of them.