Sunday, February 1, 2009

Super Sunday

Six is a good number

Finally, after two weeks of incessant bullshit and media hype sucking the will to live out of everyone who is unfortunate enough to turn on the NFL Network or ESPN for more than five seconds, the event of the year is here. Bruce Springsteen is going to play a halftime show! Also, some sort of televised sporting event will bookend the performance.

Stillers vs. Cardinals. Dynasty vs. the only team that used to suck worse than the Lions, historically. Finally the game is happening and from what I hear the Steelers should just pack it up already because Kurt Warner has God, puppies and Larry Fitzgerald on his side and all we have is a bunch of plays that will be rendered useless by the mind powers of Ken Whisenhunt. Oh it was a fateful day when he stumbled onto that abandoned nuclear waste facility and gained his super powers. Now with his ability to not only read the mind of Ben Roethlisberger and the rest of the Steelers he coached and his ability to erase his tendencies and playcalling from the mind of those same players and coaches, he is nigh unstoppable. Now only Whisenhunt holds the advantage of having coached here, there is nothing that anyone on the Steelers could have learned about him. Nothing! Despair! ESPN said so!

Of course back in the real world we have the #1 D in just about everything. What does that mean? Well out of the last 8 times the team with the #1 D went to the Super Bowl, they won 7 of those games, almost all of them by blowout margins. As for Kurt Warner's God? Well we might even have out-God'ed him. Troy Polamalu's waaay into Greek Orthodox Christianity. He's down with God without any of the nasty side-effects of the Evangelical community. Eat it Warner, the baby Jesus loves Troy! There are other reasons we should win, but the #1 D flanked by the floating spectre of the holy trinity empowering the Steelers with God juice is reason enough as it is. Also, the mayor of Phoenix and the Cards mascot disrespected the Terrible Towel, this either means they doomed the Cards to a loss or the city of Phoenix is going to burn to the ground. Curses are powerful things.

On the picks front ESPN's "experts" seem tilted to us, 2/3rds of Fox's experts are with the Steelers Nation, Don Banks of went with us, while Yahoo's Michael Silver went with the Cards, Barry's with us, as is Keith Olbermann, Wolf Blitzer thinks we'll win by 32 points, but President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho has decided to go with the Cardinals, along with turncoat scumbag Dr. Joyce Brothers, Daniel Baldwin (who I thought was dead), this chick with a huge rack who wrote five paragraphs on the subject, and Kato Kaelin, who went with the Cards because he is staying in Russ Grimm's house. Here are more celebrity picks, because you really need to know what Stacy Kiebler and Kevin James think about the game. Most of the local writers went for the Steelers, but Mike "Russ Grimm is the next head coach of the Steelers" Prisuta went for the brass ring and picked the Cardinals. I'm sure he won't have to hear about that until the day he dies..

I sez the Steelers win and cover. Feels like a Heath Miller/Lamar Woodley MVP performance. Maybe Parker. TB congrats to Rod Woodson on being yet another Steeler to make it to Canton. Kickoff is at 6:28. With commercials, the 1st quarter should be over by 8:30, halftime by 11:00, and the final seconds of the game should be wrapping up around noon tomorrow.

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