Thursday, February 12, 2009

Broken in Brief: Local man offers fool-proof, can't miss anti-Ponzi services

Joey "Da Nuts" DiNelco (center front) with his staff

QUEENS--Astoria native Joey "Da Nuts" DiNelco revealed today that he has concocted the perfect method for investors to avoid falling victim to Ponzi schemes, such as those perpetrated by Bernard Madoff and Nicholas Cosmo. The announcement came in today's metro edition of the New York Post, in a full-page spread between an Ann Coulter column and the daily General Motors of Sunnyside NBA picks.

"It's all so simple," DiNelco said in an interview with NY1News conducted in his basement office/weight room underneath his butcher's shop. "You give me your money to hold onto. I use that money to hire more upstanding, salt of the earth, working class gents like myself to go out and get more peoples money for safekeeping. I mean, honestly, who's gonna fuck with Da Nuts DiNelco?"

When asked how he intends to fund the operation, DiNelco polished off a set of squats and cracked open another Red Bull. "Are you kidding? If I came up to you and told you to give me your money, are you really gonna say 'no?' I mean, look at me. You ask anybody around if they'd mess with Da Nuts. They'll tell you, 'Fuck no, 'dats Da Nuts.' Same principle works with these Wall Street jagoffs. They come up to me and sez 'We wants to use your clients moneys for a Ponzi scheme' and we sez no and me and my boys run 'em off. But the problem is the more peoples we protect the more Wall Street guys is gonna come and the more mens we gonna need to keep a look out. So it's absolutely critical we keep getting more peoples money so we can protect more peoples money. It's foolproof."

When asked about what rate of return he hopes to offer his customers he seemed confused. "No, see if we return the money then I can't afford to protect other guys money and then those bankers come and steal that money to go import Ponzi's or whatever." he explained before handing the reporter a platter of deli meats "...for your mother" and hustling the reporter out of the establishment. 'Da Nuts' hopes to have his anti-Ponzi services before his trial date in March for seven counts of racketeering and running an illegal bookmaking service.

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