Monday, February 23, 2009

Broken In Brief: NFL considers renaming “franchise tag”

NEW YORK—When the NFL created the franchise tag in 1993 it was as a means of enabling teams to keep elite players from entering free agency while ensuring the player would be payed appropriately -- compensation commensurate with the top five paid players at his position. Now with the recent disappointing raft of franchise designations to what outsiders have called “…a combination of kickers, second stringers, no names, and Max Starks” the NFL is considering changing the name of its so called “franchise tag.”

“Yeah, it really has lost all meaning, hasn’t it?” a concerned NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell wondered. “It used to be a way for teams to retain world-class players for one year at an appropriate price. Now teams are just using it to lock up punters. Granted, I am referring to the Bengals, who could hardly be called a 'professional football team,' but still, do teams even know what a franchise player is? Tennessee used it on a tight end and they never throw the ball. St. Louis used theirs on a safety I never heard of and now he’ll get paid like Ed Reed and Troy Polamalu. But the most recent has to be the worst. The Steelers are giving [Offensive Tackle Max] Starks, who can only be loosely defined as a 'lineman,' $8.45 million? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

“Franchise player means ‘…an athlete who is not simply the best player on their team, but a player that the team can build their franchise around for the foreseeable future.’ I fuckin’ got that from Wikipedia. Someone tell the Bengals that’s what it means,” an exasperated Goodell yelled. Throwing up his hands and sighing he finished with an angry and disappointed “C’mon!” before leaving the press conference.

While no concrete name changes have been given, league sources state that several options are on the table, including the “Best of a Bad Lot” tag, the “Oh No You Don’t” tag, the “We’ll Never Let You Leave" tag, the “Where The Fuck Do You Think You're Going?” tag, and the “We Can't Teach Another Guy Our Complex Punting System” tag. Additionally, the "Sorry, But We Forgot to Draft Someone at Your Position" tag, the "Well, We Have All This Extra Cap Space" tag and the "Simply an Average Free Agent" tag are also being kicked around the office.

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