Monday, February 23, 2009

Of Atlantis and Anacondas

i-want-to-believe copy

OMG! Did Google Earth find Atlantis?
When trolling the oceanographical floorography on Google maps an man, purported to be someone with enough time on his hands to look at ocean topography on Google Maps, saw a what appeared to be a gridded network about the size of Wales on the ocean floor just off the coast of Africa. It was immediately apparent what this man saw: ATLANTA ATLANTIS!!!!!!!! Duh! There is no other explanation. Except for the one Google gave about it being sonar remnants from their ocean floor mapping they did for Google Earth 5.0....which they did in grids. Or the fact that Plato's opium induced deranged ramblings scholarly works described Atlantis as a series of concentric circles.

I think we all know what's going on here. Coverup!!!!! Google wants Atlantis to themselves. This is how it all ends, first Google gets Atlantis, then the Bermuda Triangle, then Nessie, then Bigfoot, then they start genetically breeding them and arming them with the retro-futuristic technology of Atlantis and the ships and planes from the BT. Worrying about Skynet is for amateurs. Worry about Google branded Bigfoots in 1942 fighters with laser guns.

Photograph shows 'giant snake' lurking in Borneo river
Thinking of traveling to Indonesia for a nice vacation? Good, I just hope you like getting eaten by hundred foot long snakes with dagger teeth. They caught a photo of the giant beast as it enjoyed a nice swim down the river to eat a village of cute children. The Telegraph isn't sure if it is really a giant snake, perhaps a boat, or even.....a fake, but they are willing to publish it and run it. Inconclusive aerial photography strikes again!! Already the villagers are terrified, dubbing it Nabau, and will be worshiping it imminently.

I just hope this has given you a proper fear of rivers. Oceans are the domain of giant fucking sharks, rivers are the domain of giant fucking water snakes......and also sharks that swim upstream. Christ, here in Pittsburgh, we've got three rivers. There could be three massive snakes patrolling the waters as we speak, dragging yinzers to their deaths. Stay safe, stay vigilant. The snakes can't eat us all.

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