Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Broken In Brief: Mother of octuplets apologizes for being beyond parody

BELLFLOWER, CA--Today Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets just two short weeks ago, called a press conference to apologize to the worlds of satire and comedy for being absolutely beyond parody. "I would just like to offer my sincerest apologies to all the hard working satirists out there who were baffled by the seemingly endless litany of oddities that keep coming out about my life. I must have made it almost impossible to come with any sort of joke about me, because almost anything you could possibly come up with, I've already done, albeit in a weirder and more disturbing form."

Ms. Suleman continued "Not only did I already have six children from a gay surrogate, I courted danger by attempting to spawn an extra batch by having six more embryos implanted in myself, two of which split into twins. Not only has the gay surrogate father of my 14 children begged me to stop using his sperm, my own family has questioned my sanity and fitness as a parent. And with good cause, seeing as I have no job, am on disability and food stamps, suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, and I live with my six other children in one bedroom of a house owned by my mother, who I failed to inform of my intention to have even more children. Furthermore, despite my employment and financial status I still seemingly have the money for a nose job, cheek implants, botox, and collagen injections in my lips to fulfill by dream of looking like Angelina Jolie, whose life and looks I am trying to copy on a dollar store budget. How can you possibly top that?"

Outside of a reporter from the Modesto Bee's suggestion that she be genetically transformed into an possum, the creature her breeding habits most resemble, none of the assembled news media could come up with an idea. Ms. Suleman then plugged her Pay Pal site, having finally come to the realization her batshit insanity has made her the only woman to give birth to a litter of children and not receive free baby products from companies eager to get free promotion. She closed again with another apology to the comedy community and vowed to "...teach her children different musical instruments to start an oompa band", sending up an audible sigh of despair from a writer for the Onion who was furiously deleting a 'Suleman family band' piece.

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