Expenses, expenses

During the season premiere of Mad Men, one Pete Campbell remarks that if a publicity stunt the ad agency were to hire hookers instead of actors, he could charge the cost to his expense account. Laughs abound. A humorous juxtaposition of the way things used to be when compared with contemporary social mores. Oh Mad Men, you've done it again.

But surely that was just how they did thing in the sixties, right? Well... unless you're a modern defense contractor.

DHB, which specialized in making body armor used by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan, paid for more than $6 million in personal expenses on behalf of Mr. Brooks, covering items as expensive as luxury cars and as prosaic as party invitations, Ms. Schlegel testified.

Also included were university textbooks for his daughter, pornographic videos for his son, plastic surgery for his wife, a burial plot for his mother, prostitutes for his employees, and, for him, a $100,000 American-flag belt buckle encrusted with rubies, sapphires and diamonds.

There's so much win and so much "AMERICA.... FUCK YEAH!" that it's hard to contain in one paragraph. That's just part on one man's story of fraud, insider trading, company-financed extremely tacky personal extravagance, and a weird obsession with mind erasing pills that don't exist.

But let's not get hung up on the illegal money wasting of one man, his fake titted wife and his pornography hound of a son. Can't we mention the legal money wasting of our own government?

A US federal watchdog has criticised the US military for failing to account properly for billions of dollars it received to help rebuild Iraq. The Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction says the US Department of Defence is unable to account properly for 96% of the money.

Out of just over $9bn (£5.8bn), $8.7bn is unaccounted for, the inspector says.
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The funds in question were administered by the US Department of Defence between 2004 and 2007, and were earmarked for reconstruction projects. But, the report says, a lack of proper accounting makes it impossible to say exactly what happened to most of the money.

96%? I'm surprised it wasn't 100%. But then again, it's easy to account for the $300 million they spent on strippers and coke. "Yeah, if you're looking for the money, it's wither in a g-string or up my nose. Put that in your ledger."

I do like the notion that we have an explanation for the other near trillion or so we spent in Iraq. Oh sure, we have tanks, bombs, bullets, and paychecks to show us where that money went. But I'll be damned if I know what it is we bought with that cash.

Still, if you want to relive the glory excesses of the sixties or just have absolutely no accountability for what or how you spend vast, allocated sums of money... you could do worse than a warzone.

Priorities

There was a small bit of consternation the other day when Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl mused on how extending unemployment benefits was an affront to God because it added a minuscule amount to the debt and was not "paid for" by spending cuts or tax increases. He then went on to note, unironically, that of course there was no need to offset $678 billion that would be added to the deficit because of extending the Bush tax cuts to the wealthy, because... mumble mumble rich people free market trickle down Reagan freedom pony.

Nakedly stating that there would be no pennies for the peasants unless it was paid for (and even then his party would almost unanimously oppose) while stating at the exact same time that he'd willingly OK nearly 200 times the deficit addition as long as it went to rich white guys, seemed particularly galling to some. Surely this isn't what the GOP really believes or, at least, this isn't what they'd publicly admit to believing while cameras were rolling, right? Wrong.

"That's been the majority Republican view for some time," Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told TPMDC this afternoon after the weekly GOP press conference. "That there's no evidence whatsoever that the Bush tax cuts actually diminished revenue. They increased revenue, because of the vibrancy of these tax cuts in the economy. So I think what Senator Kyl was expressing was the view of virtually every Republican on that subject."

Really? No evidence? Not one egghead with a protractor and slide rule that says otherwise? No greatly respected nonpartisan think tank that deals with tax issues and budgetary matters that has done a study and come to the opposite conclusion and maybe even put it into chart form so as to make it more easily understandable?


What? It's almost like the reality of a situation is the diametric opposite of what Republicans are saying it is. This has never happened before. Surely we must mark this event on our calendars for it is as rare as a unicorn and as precious as a child's love.

So we're clear: adding $5 bucks to the deficit so all the people who are suffering in this economy, largely because of your economic policies and blocking of any measures to change the status quo, can have just enough money to survive makes you taste vomit in your mouth, but adding near a trillion dollars to the deficit with tax cuts that helped damage the economy in the first place so some guy with a monocle can get the ivory package on his new Maybach makes the angels in heaven sing.

That sounds about right. Besides, those unemployed people might be rich someday through the magic of trickle down economics, so they want their unemployment benefits cut to pay for the tax cuts they'll get when they're rich, right? Right.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.02

Zombie Meat. For when you want a blue peppered jerky snack that makes it seem like you're eating the flesh on a re-animated dead body.

In America Has An Awful News industry news, Adam Serwer goes into detail about how waterboarding moved from being "clearly torture" to "erm..... *clears throat, tugs at collar* a matter.... of.. debate?" in the New York Times during the Bush Administration because of politics and GOP messaging. It turns out that high level journalistic arts requires giving credence to both sides of an issue, even if there aren't two sides and one is just craven ass-covering.

Think Progress compiles a list of Senators who not only have successfully blocked extending unemployment benefits, pretty much the least thing we can do to combat the bad job market, but have also essentially helped block doing anything substantial about jobs. What's so great about this list? They all come from states with double digit unemployment that is much higher than the national average. Hey, when you're trying to sink the economy further to help your electoral prospects in November, you can't be concerned with little things like people or people who elected you.

Now we know why Arizona had to enact that Walking While Latino law. Apparently there are roving gangs of crazed illegal immigrants decapitating law abiding citizens. So says Governor Jan Brewer. Some liberals, media types, Latino groups, and people with common sense say that this is a completely fabricated lie intended to scaremonger about the Mexicanos, but I don't know; illegal Latin guillotine gangs sounds so plausible. Maybe this is a new breed of Mexican coming here searching for a job and a head (or cabesa as they call it). No dice, Pablo, those jobs and heads are ours.

Scientists believe they have found the earliest known form of complex cellular life: weird scallop things that are 2.1 billion years old. Do you know how they figure out how old the organism was? It was carrying an ancient bible and they just added up all the ages of the people inside it.

The Amazing Kreskin has offered up his services to the Pittsburgh Pirates, saying that unless they hire him they'll continue to lose for at least two more years and he'd offer his help to stop their 18-year losing streak. Unless Kreskin can go a solid 7 every five days and keep his ERA under 3 or has some serious gap power, I don't think he can do much for us. Unless he has no ethical qualms about hypnotizing Bob Nutting into committing suicide. Plus, the Bucs would never hire him; they can't lowball him in arbitration or trade him for several middling mentalist prospects.

In Rich People Have Too Much Money news, a Russian billionaire has commissioned an Australian goldsmith to create a $21,000 golden diamond encrusted vuvuzela. *dusts hands off* God, send the meteors, I think we've clearly bottomed out as a society.

He's on a boat

So you're BP. You've recently ridden a non-oil slicked wave of recent good news. You created a $20 billion fund to help take care of people affected by the spill, making you seem barely human instead of completely reptilian. You've finally moved into a position where ships are capturing almost all of the oil spilling out of the undersea well. And as a bonus you removed the deeply unlikable Tony Hayward to a lesser role.

So after this recent wave of decent PR, what do you do? Yacht party? I think I heard yacht party.

Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico so he could watch his boat "Bob" participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race. The 52-foot yacht is made by the Annapolis, Maryland-based boatbuilder Farr Yacht Design.

The annual one-day race is one of the world's largest, attracting more than 1,700 boats and 16,000 sailors as world-renown yachtsmen compete with wealthy amateurs in the 50-nautical mile course around the island.
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"He's spending a few hours with his family at a weekend. I'm sure that everyone would understand that," Wine said Saturday. "He will be back to deal with the response. It doesn't detract from that at all."

Wine described the race as "one of the biggest sailing events in the world and he's well known to have a keen interest in it."

In his defense, this was his small yacht. The cheap one, the $700,000 one. Now I know Hayward's been pilloried up and down the Gulf Coast for this little boat race trip, but I'm not going to pile on. I mean what better way to research the oil spill than to spend some serious time bobbing and floating on the ocean, like all that oil BP spilled is. Now he understands what all the oil is up to and why. Can we really complain about that?

Plus with the strippers of the Mimosa Dancing Girls strip club suing him, the sea is the only place he can find a moment of relief. With that, the methane dead zones that may kill vast swaths of undersea life, and the fact that sea floor collapses at the leak site may prevent BP from ever capping the well, doesn't the man enjoy a little boat time? Plus *chuckling* the yacht is named "Bob"! Who names a yacht "Bob"? Oh Tony, you are humorous with your rich guy bullshit. Enjoy the boating, I think it's all you'll have left pretty soon.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.11

Darfuristan
Remember Darfur? Of course you do. It was a big problem with genocide in.... Africa or someplace, Ryan Gosling wore that Darfur t-shirt, then everything got fixed. Not so much. In a sprawling Rolling Stone article, Ben Wallace-Wells takes a look at how the various international efforts and strategies have created a quagmire situation in Darfur and how the problems going on there are different, yet still as potentially bad as the ones that were occurring six years ago.

Florida Lawmaker Attempts To Deny Tax Credit To Movies Filmed With Gay Characters
That's right, a Florida legislator is trying to deny a tax credit to any film that lenses in Florida with a gay character or otherwise doesn't conform to his standard of returning America's wang and our meth and gator repository back to an imagined Mayberry like existence. Luckily this doesn't pertain to films that hire gays or were written, directed, or starring gays. Otherwise no film would lens in Florida. Sadly this means that Sean and mine's attempt to film and all-gay remake of the Passion of the Christ will have to find another state to film in.

Reconciliation Not Easy to Influence
Whither the scummy lobbyist and industry shill? It seems in all this talk of reconciliation this and "improving health care" that we haven't been considering the feeling of insurance and pharmaceutical industry lobbyists. Thankfully Roll Call is there to let us hear their lamentations about how the reconciliation process will largely shut them out of making tweaks and suggestions to any bill. Oh sure, they've cut several pounds of flesh from the bills that were already passed, but how will they be able to survive unless they get a bill that completely caters to their whims? I don't want to live in a country that forces me to contemplate that thought.

Number of millionaires in America increased 16 percent in 2009.
Sure, you don't have a job and you just stole food from your cat, but thankfully our social and financial betters were able to become richer during these hard times. It's nice to know that most of this unpleasantness is being confined to the peasants classes. Rich getting richer? Poor getting poorer? I think we're right on track for a return to serfdom in 2019. That ought to make medieval studies students happy.

That's a hella number: Scientists call for new word to describe 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
,000
We mostly applaud scientists and the pursuit of knowledge around here. But that's mostly because we took them to be serious scholars. Who knew that there were corners of science filled with brew-dog chugging frat bros chest bumping to Limp Bizkit. Why else would they propose that 'hella' join the ranks of giga, mega, and kilo. Sure, 27 zeros would need to be involved before the word hellameter was invoked, but it's the damn principle of the thing. Can't we use something classy, like 'fuckin' or 'shit-ton'?

Chile Earthquake Moved Entire City 10 Feet to the West
Earthquakes: they steal time, mess with our axis, and screw with out precise GPS and longitude/latitude systems. As of now, Concepcion is 10 feet west of where it used to be, Santiago moved 11 inches west, and even Buenos Ares moved an inch. Just imagine in Concepcion, you now have to walk a few steps further to get where you want to go. Also: your entire city was largely destroyed. Talk about piling up inconveniences. This is too much, I think we need to have a talk with the mole people or the CIA earthquake satellite so me can stop this time altering, geography shifting nonsense.

The Gilded Age

It's tough out there for rich people. Us poors and our tenement shacks are sometimes within full view of their well moneyed eyes, there's a slight possibility that they might have to pay taxes at the same rate they did in the late nineties, and while we in the hobo underclass are poorly educated (or at least massively debt ridden for the education we were able to cobble together out of twigs and $200 textbooks) we are not so uneducated as to be unable to realize the massive inequality in income distribution that has only increased over the past decade. Plus they also have all those additional rich guy problems like an unclean mansion, road salt stains on their Bentley, and constant fear of a peasant uprising.

But good news is still out there for our beleaguered riches. It's that whole income disparity thing I mentioned. It's truly staggering how good the news is for them.

The figures for 2007, the last year of an economic expansion, show that average income reported by the top 400 earners more than doubled from $131.1 million in 2001. That year, Congress adopted tax cuts urged by then-President George W. Bush that Democrats say disproportionately benefits the wealthy.

Each household in the top 400 of earners paid an average tax rate of 16.6 percent, the lowest since the agency began tracking the data in 1992, the statistics show. Their average effective tax rate was about half the 29.4 percent in 1993, the first year of President Bill Clinton’s administration, when taxes were increased.
...
The top 400 earners received a total $138 billion in 2007, up from $105.3 billion a year earlier. On an inflation-adjusted basis, their average income grew almost fivefold since 1992, the data show.

$138 billion for 400 families. On the other hand, the bottom fifth of this country, 24 million people, are worth a collective $247 billion. If they just pooled their money, they could out fancy pants our financial elite. So, you know, poor people win again.

I'm just thankful all those Bush tax cuts went through. Sure it might have added $1.8 trillion to the deficit and put income inequality at 1920's robber baron levels, but thankfully all the jobs and economic growth that these rich people have been able to provide because of the tax cuts they received have been able to stave off drastic job losses because of the financial crisis they also caused. It's great that it was able to work out that way.

Broken in Brief: Westminster Kennel Club Judge "Can't Tell These Fuckin' Dogs Apart"

NEW YORK—Nearly a week after the 134th annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, a frustrated and distraught show judge has revealed that he has very little understanding of the differences between the breeds of dogs that he was supposed to be evaluating.

“I have no idea what I am doing or how I ascended to this position. I cannot tell these fuckin’ dogs apart,” revealed head judge for the prestigious event, Dr. David Winsleydale, at his summer home.

“What is a terrier? What classifies a dog into the sporting group? How can I tell how good a retriever is if it’s just standing there, not retrieving? My God, I am at a loss. I just picked a friendly one that kind of looked like the dog my grandkids got and hurried out before anyone could ask me questions.”

The dog in question, a Scottish Terrier by the name of Roundtown Mercedes of Maryscot, was said to perplex Dr. Winsleydale on several fronts, notably the fact that it had never been to Scotland. But the Doctor noted that he was comforted by the fact that the dog seemed to be confused as he was as to its purpose for being there, which endeared it to him.

“I figured we were in the same boat,” said the Doctor while he stared perplexingly at the family Labrador. “I mean I was just classifying them as ‘longs’, ‘talls’, ‘shorts’, ‘wides’, and ‘thins’ and handing out awards based on which dog was the tallest or fattest. But then in later rounds they were all in the same groups and I had no idea what to do. I just gave it to a dog that cocked its head quizzically at me.”

“A Scottish Terrier? I don’t even begin to know what that is or what makes a good one.”

It is unclear what will happen to Dr. Winsleydale now that this revelation has come forth, but the Westminster Kennel Club has said they will take action just as soon as they grapple with the quandary of how one can even begin to separate and compare qualities of excellence between multitudes of differing breeds.

I'm on a boat

What with this country still in the throes of the horrific financial apocalypse, many of our local and state governments are in dire financial straights. In fact, that was one of the main goals of the stimulus: to paper over state budgetary holes and prevent them from drastically cutting services and jobs. But as time goes on and budgets must be passed and horrible financial reality must be observed, states are being forced to come up with new ways to deal with those budget shortfalls.

Like taxing the rich. Just kidding. The standard operating procedure of this country in times of economic hardship remains 'do not tax the rich in any way'. No, what I meant to type up above was 'continue to put the screws to the poor'. You know, like Missouri Missourah does.

Cash-strapped legislators have recommended spending cuts for Missouri schools and shelters for battered women, but so far the yachting class can enjoy another season of clear sailing.

Thanks to a longstanding tax exemption, Missouri’s marina set can opt to pay a small fee in lieu of sales taxes and shave as much as $30,000 off the purchase of a $500,000 boat.

That tax exemption alone is depriving state and local coffers of more than $6 million a year, according to some estimates.
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For now, however, yachts are treated like baby formula for the poor, tickets to the state fair and even newsprint —all are exempt from state and local sales taxes.

You'll be glad to know that if you buy a regular boat in Missourah you still have to pay full freight. It's only the luxury yachts that get the tax break. Because if during these harsh economic times our economic betters have to pay tax on the luxury boats that they purchase for their leisure time, well then by God, the terrorists, socialists, and all manner of evil creatures will have won.

So thank you to Missourah for showing us the way during these troubled times. Fuck the poor, cut schools, keep them women battered, and don't let anyone even think of making sure sales tax is payed on a luxury yacht. Your state serves as a lesson to us all.

Quote of the day

If you actually needed another example of how Democrats are just completely tin eared and awful, today our favorite collection of spineless lickspittles decided that they weren't even sure they were for rescinding the Bush tax cuts on rich people. You know the ones: they exploded the budget deficit and almost uniformly benefited the top 5% of this country? Yeah, well it seems that Democrats can't even decide whether rescinding the tax cuts on people that make over $250,000 a year in order to slash the deficit by close to a trillion dollars and do something that is incredibly popular, is a good idea or not.

But aside from the political or economic reasons, there's one really important reason not to rescind the tax cuts as articulated by Rep. Mike McMahon (D, NY-13):

“I think it is a political liability because it’s a [bad] policy right now for the economy and could have a bad impact on jobs,” said McMahon…“A working couple making $250,000 is barely making ends meet,” he said.

Ah yes, poor little rich. My heart goes out to the top 2% of earners in this country who are making a minimum of five times that national median income. How will they muddle through if their tax rates are restored to the levels that existed during the greatest economic expansion in our nation's history?

I'm with him. During these trying economic conditions can't we just, for once in this nation's history, look out for rich people instead of everyone else? Think of the children. As Michael Steele told us, "a million dollars is not a lot of money". So just imagine how little $250,000 is. For the sake of our economic and social betters, don't do this.

Netflix

The New York Times has an interesting infographic up that looks at 12 major American cities and charts out the popular movies of the day by zip code based on people's Netflix queue. It's interesting to learn what movies US citizens are picking up on DVD. Who knew Benjamin Button and Changeling would be so interesting for people to watch at home when this country largely found them uninteresting in theaters.

But the most interesting thing about some of the movies is you get to play a little game with the maps that I like to call "White people live here/Black people live here" and its cousin "Rich people live here/Poor people live here".

Take for instance Paul Blart: Mall Cop in LA
Beverly Hills didn't seem to care for it.

Here's the same LA map but for Tyler Perry's the Family That Preys
The NY map is similarly illuminating. That's right black people, whitey isn't even going to bother with your version of lowest common denominator shit.

Give the whole site a look and see if you can't demographically map out several major US cities in a completely racist and classist way based on their film tastes.

Picture of the day

From Andrew Ross Sorkin, author of Too Big to Fail: How Wall Street and Washington Fought to Save the Financial System — and Themselves comes this look at the license plate of Morgan Stanley Vice-Chairman Rob Kindler. It's nice these guys have a sense of humour about bankrupting the world and the government using trillions to bail out their unending stupidity. Shame he couldn't afford something better than a Porsche, I'd really like to see that plate on a Maybach. Maybe next time Kindler invents something that destroys all the world's money, he can work out a more lucrative bonus package.

Democracy in action

New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, America's benevolent rich political overlord, is setting records. The kind of records that make you glad that only billionaires can afford to run for any elected office of substance in this country.

Bloomberg, a former Republican who ran this time as an Independent, spent more than $85 million of his personal fortune on the race – dwarfing the amount Thompson raised – the most cash dispensed for a self-financed campaign ever. This brings the total amount he's spent for three terms to a quarter of a billion dollars.

For those of you scoring at home, he outspent his closest opponent, Generic Democrat, by almost 20-1. And he still had to squeak out a win. That isn't even counting all the money he had to spend to get the city to repeal the term limit laws so that he could run again.

Add this to the $22.6 million from his Goldman-Sachs golden parachute ($125 million total for all his political campaigns put together) that repellent loser Jon Corzine spent making sure he lost to fat, repellent loser Chris Christie in the New Jersey governor's race. Don't worry, the ultra rich former McCain adviser who tried to run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, Carly Fiorina, is going to show the people of California that they need not be ruled by mere multi-millionaires like Barbara Boxer.

Ahh, doesn't it make you feel proud to be an American? Right now, even as we speak, children are looking at this and dreaming of a future where they to make hundreds of millions in various business fields and thus are deemed by our media elite as "serious" enough and "expert" enough to run for higher office, or are, at the very least, able to fund their own primary campaign against the other billionaires that are running for the chance to run for the seat. *sniff* Makes you glad to be alive right now, where being rich makes you qualified to make laws instead of just merely having them not apply to you. It's a grand time.

Quote of the day

Bushie, on just being a normal dude again:

“I no longer feel that great sense of responsibility that I had when I was in the Oval Office,” he said. “And frankly, it’s a liberating feeling.”

Trust us Mr. Former President, it's a liberating feeling for all of us knowing that you aren't President anymore. Frankly it's all that got us through those jobless, homeless winter months.

But lest his idyllic retirement life in million dollar mansions, free from prosecution, and even a basic realization of all that he did to this country is too much for you to bear, know this: he is handling dog shit on a daily basis. There is that smal recompense.

It was the first time Barney had ever been in an ordinary neighborhood, and Bush had to stop when the dog took liberties with a neighbor’s yard.

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand,” he recalled. “Life is returning back to normal.”

It's a shame they don't have a Great Dane.

Bushie's Dallas based Fortress of Justice

Via the good people at Preston Hollow People comes glimpse at the $3.95 million smackeroo, 1.15 acre, 8.051 square foot home our former President will be wiling his days away in, free from prosecution for all that stuff he did. I know you're asking "where's the waterboarding room?" People people, it's at Cheney's house. Also not pictured are Bush's foam cowboy hat and air horn showroom, the room where Laura goes to cry in silence, the mantle where Bush displays the bronzed last shred of American dignity that he and Rumsfeld stole out of Teddy Roosevelt's mausoleum, the workout room with that punching bag that's shaped like his father, the signed photo of Jesus with the message "George, history will totally vindicate the wars I told you to start. Your friend in Christ, Christ.", and the BBQ grill shaped like Reagan.

I guess some things need to be saved for that Better Homes and Gardens spread.

Broken News: Billionaire easily outed as vigilante superhero

ASTRO CITY—The two-month campaign of vigilante violence against the notorious underworld of our fair city came to an end today as Nightman, the shadowy crime fighter waging that campaign, was outed as none other than Russell Conroy, billionaire owner of mega-corporation Contech. In an ironic twist, the man who solved the mystery that had baffled Astro City's most corrupt politicians and hardened criminals was none other than local citizen Mikey Sullivan, 34, of Astro Heights.

“Yeah, uh, I just put two and two together,” said Sullivan, an auto mechanic and father of two. “This is a pretty destitute city riddled with crime and corruption, right? Suddenly the criminal underworld is under siege by a heroic vigilante waging a campaign of high-tech violence? There are really only so many people it could be. First I thought of the military, but they're all tied up with wars and I don't think that a one man tactical team is up their alley. Then I thought maybe it was the cops, but they don't even have the budget to keep their cars running. Plus, have you seen the average street cop lately? 'Svelte' ain't the word I'd use."

Sullivan continued, "So, uh, the stuff he's using is pretty high-tech, right? I figured it was way too expensive for a regular guy to build, so I looked at rich guys with the money to support all of the technological advancements in Nighman's arsenal. Since the city's not only crime ridden but poverty stricken too, only about four people were decent guesses. The only one under 70 was Conroy. Plus, you know that photo of Nightman, with him standing in front of the American flag, looking slightly to the left, as if at a better future? It's a lot like that "Our CEO" photo of Conroy on Contech.com. I just printed that out, drew some goggles and a cowl on it, and that was that. Plus, there's all that Contech branding on Nightman's gear."

Indeed, a quick review of the ample number of Nightman photographs available revealed "property of Contech" embossing on the armor plating of both the Nightcar and Nightcycle, as well as the company logo on Nightman's body armor, which turned out to be an updated black version of the same tactical armor the company sells to police and military. In addition, Nightman's famed grappling gun was also clearly a modified version of the device that the Contech Outdoor division has been promoting in various mountain climbing and spelunking magazines.

For his part, Sullivan hopes that he didn't cause Mr. Conroy any harm. The accidental detective said, "It was just so damn obvious. His company logo was on everything! I can't believe nobody saw it before me. And whenever I'd tell my friends that Nightman was definitely the young, physically fit, billionaire owner of a high tech military weapons supplier who lives in seclusion and has a grudge against the mob, they'd look at me like I was crazy."

Russell Conroy, 32, first entered the public eye during the harrowing trial of mob boss Vincent DiCicco, who was accused of ordering the car bombing that took the lives of Conroy's parents. After DiCicco's acquittal in a trial legal experts suggested was marred by jury tampering, Mr. Conroy, then 18, swore vengeance on the mob and vowed to someday get revenge. As it turns out, Mr. Conroy was serious.

"Really? Two months and they found me out?" Said a disappointed Conroy after being contacted for this story. "Drawing a mask on a picture of me was all it took? Christ... I guess now that I think about it, using my own company to so nakedly fuel my quest for vengeance probably did expose me a little too much. Maybe I also should have covered my head fully with a mask, instead of exposing my mouth, chin, and most of my nose as well as removing most of the Contech logos from my costume. But what can I say? I'm proud of my company. Lesson learned."

The question becomes, now that he's been exposed, what Conroy will do about the city's crime problems now that Nightman's identity has become public.

"Eh, I'll probably just finish this mob thing up and call it quits. I mean, what can they do to me? My family is already dead," Conroy quipped. "Besides, everyone thinks the mob is some complex organization that's hard to take down. I'll tell you what, it's a lot easier when you're just killing, torturing and maiming your way up the ladder. It's not like I was trying to make a RICO case or anything. And I guess I'll just turn over all the incriminating evidence I found on some of our elected officials to the feds. To tell you the truth, I was pretty much done here anyway. Another couple of weeks and I would have been beating the shit out of jaywalkers."

As of press time the Astro City District Attorney had no plans to charge Mr. Conroy, noting that he was too rich to avoid prosecution even if he didn’t end up buying off the corrupt judiciary. Several high ranking members of the DA’s office also noted they also didn’t want to risk the vengeance of a goggled sociopath who might crash a military grade rocket car into their house and smash their heads in with a themed truncheon.

When asked if he had any other plans to combat the crime, violence, and poverty in Astro City, Conroy just laughed. “Fuckin’ gangbangers and drug dealers didn’t kill my parents, the mob did. I've dealt with the mob. You’re welcome. Anyone else has a problem, they can get their own sweet ass suit and wage some war. Hell, come to me and maybe I’ll sponsor you. Like a vigilante Pell grant or something.”

“Otherwise, what? Like social programs and shit? Dude, I’m a spoiled rich kid who inherited a billion dollars ‘cause his parents got exploded, who probably suffers from PTSD, has fascistic tendencies, and a host of other mental issues. Christ, I’m a man who, when presented with a vast fortune, used it to get revenge in the most high tech and violent way possible. You think I know how to organize a midnight basketball league or an effective work release program? If this city needs a donation to some charity or something I guess I'll write a check, otherwise I'll be on my yacht with some Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.”

Asked which model he was currently courting, Conroy snickered and said, "Pages 32-86."

Presidents' Day Link Rodeo Roundup

Salma Hayek Marries French Billionaire
I bet this is surprising to you as well. I was sure I had a shot at wooing Salma Hayek, she seemed so down to earth. But then she decided to shock us and the world by doing something that rich and beautiful actresses never do: marry an extraordinarily wealthy fashion tycoon. What's the make the score? Millionaires and billionaires 1,102,549 - Normal guys 3? We'll rally in the second half.

Wipeout: Herve Leger Models Fall In Fashion Show
New York fashion week. That means one thing: photos of emaciated Ukranians toppling over on the runway as a result of malnutrition, seven inch heels, and a methamphetamine haze. Huffington Post and the AP do not disappoint.

Venezuela Referendum: Chavez Wins Vote To End Term Limits
Shocking the world, President Hugo Chavez effectively becomes President for life of Venezuela. Gee, this is the sort of thing that always ends so well. I'm sure that this time, and not the other hundred times, will be when becoming dictator President for life doesn't end with oppression, revolution, civil war, and bloody battle through the streets of the capital. I mean statistically it has to happen at some point, right?

Galaxy has 'billions of Earths'
Sending a immediate boner to the groin of every Star Trek Federation nerd or Star Wars Empire freak, scientists decided to go for the gusto and predict that the Milky Way could have up to one hundred billion earth like planets. As to why we seem to have no evidence of any other civilization on said planets, so that we are barred from joining with them into a galactic UN, they have two suggestions. One: these alien sandbaggers have never heard of the Drake equation. Two: God and Jesus made these extra planets empty so we could one day colonize them. Either way, NASA's Kepler mission will go on the hunt for them next year.

Something talks, bullshit walks

Well the House and Senate have their compromise on the stimulus. Despite finding room to enrich the upper class, keep big useless tax cuts, cutting school renovation funds and making states spend money out of the already reduced state funds to pay for any renovations, and all sorts of various bullshit, they seem to have accidentally forgotten one thing.

Congressional efforts to impose stringent restrictions on executive compensation appeared to be evaporating yesterday as House and Senate negotiators worked to fine-tune the compromise stimulus bill.

Provisions to impose a penalty on banks that paid hefty bonuses and to cap pay at $400,000 for all employees at firms applying for additional government funds did not survive the compromise, sources said.

The situation was in flux last night, but provisions in the Senate bill that called for a ban on bonuses for all companies receiving government funds also appeared to be headed to the chopping block, congressional sources said.

Making sure bank executives, who are relying on government billions to survive, take a pay cut so we aren't funding their million dollar "effectiveness" is beyond the pale. Some kid learning in a dilapidated tin lean-to is A-OK, but making sure a failure only earns half a mil this year is nausea inducing. But hey, we don't want to seem "punitive" while we're swirling down the toilet they flushed. A man's gotta eat and $500,000 is apparently McDonald's dollar menu territory.

Don't make me hurt you New York Times

The Times, in it's never ending quest to drive me insane, has another story about poor, hardworking, Americans, struggling to get by in this harsh new economy. Just kidding, it's another story about the pampered rich elite, gnashing their teeth and beating their breast because it isn't Crystal enemas and snorting lines of caviar anymore.

The poor victims this time? Rich people who have to pick up the check at expensive "power lunches" and people who have had to suffer the indignity of having the restaurant quality of their "power lunch" downgraded. The most downtrodden victim? The producer of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, who looks to have a terminal case of surgery face and probably has only a month or two left to live.

ON a recent Monday night, Christine Peters, a producer of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” tucked into a corner booth in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel with a fellow producer and an actress. They chattered about a possible film for an hour or so before Ms. Peters excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. When she returned, she noticed a thin leather case sitting on the table, with the check inside.

“Did anybody get this?” she asked. Both women stared blankly, first at her, then the check. “We didn’t see it,” one finally said. When neither offered to pay the tab, nearly $100, Ms. Peters did what she has found herself doing more and more these days: she fished out her wallet and paid the check herself.

“They were polite,” she said. “But neither wanted to pay. It’s like you almost want to put them out of their misery.”

It used to be a common sight from Sparks to Spago — the boisterous scrum as diners wielding corporate cards dove for the lunch bill, crying “I’ll get it!” But since the economic downturn, the delicate social rituals of the bull market era, when executives tried to outdo one another in expense-account one-upmanship, have been upended.

Dear sweet Jesus, NYT, find a goddamned poor family and do a story about them not affording heat, food, and medicine. Write it up with the same tone you reserve for the "poor little rich" stories you seem to run three of every day. Savagely beat the next "journalist" who comes to you with a plan to scam a power lunch, free meal, or high society meeting out of writing out the moaning and whining of rich people. Quickly, before I burn down your building or you go bankrupt. It's only a five hour drive to NY, so there's no telling which would happen first.

Gates is the insect king

Well, we were almost there. A milestone. We almost had one of the richest men in the world turn cartoonish supervillain on us. In front of a group of his peers, colleagues, and underlings, Bill Gates almost released a deadly animal into the room to kill the audience for their insolence. Except he chickened out.

Microsoft founder turned disease-battling philanthropist Bill Gates loosed mosquitoes at an elite Technology, Entertainment, Design (TED) Conference to make a point about the deadly sting of malaria.

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes," Gates said while opening a jar onstage at a gathering known to attract technology kings, politicians, and Hollywood stars.

"I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."

Gates waited a minute or so before assuring the audience the liberated insects were malaria-free.

I can just imagine the room reaction. Unease, followed by impending horror. Tony Robbins turns to Michael Eisner and asks if he's sure Bill is just fucking around. Philippe Starck makes his peace with God. Al Gore screams out "This maniac is trying to kill us all". Paul Allen looks into Bill's eyes to see if he has that crazy glazed over look like he did when he bashed that hookers head open in '83. The Bill tell them it's all a hilarious joke and they all laugh nervously while texting their bankers to cancel donations to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Can one of you billionaires stop buying sports teams for a second and just kill a room of people to make a point about a global disease or problem? Then flee to your mountain fortress and threaten to launch nukes unless world leaders meet you demands of curing rheumatoid arthritis or upping child literacy levels? It would take some of the edge off the impending world economic collapse.

Super Sunday

Six is a good number

Finally, after two weeks of incessant bullshit and media hype sucking the will to live out of everyone who is unfortunate enough to turn on the NFL Network or ESPN for more than five seconds, the event of the year is here. Bruce Springsteen is going to play a halftime show! Also, some sort of televised sporting event will bookend the performance.

Stillers vs. Cardinals. Dynasty vs. the only team that used to suck worse than the Lions, historically. Finally the game is happening and from what I hear the Steelers should just pack it up already because Kurt Warner has God, puppies and Larry Fitzgerald on his side and all we have is a bunch of plays that will be rendered useless by the mind powers of Ken Whisenhunt. Oh it was a fateful day when he stumbled onto that abandoned nuclear waste facility and gained his super powers. Now with his ability to not only read the mind of Ben Roethlisberger and the rest of the Steelers he coached and his ability to erase his tendencies and playcalling from the mind of those same players and coaches, he is nigh unstoppable. Now only Whisenhunt holds the advantage of having coached here, there is nothing that anyone on the Steelers could have learned about him. Nothing! Despair! ESPN said so!

Of course back in the real world we have the #1 D in just about everything. What does that mean? Well out of the last 8 times the team with the #1 D went to the Super Bowl, they won 7 of those games, almost all of them by blowout margins. As for Kurt Warner's God? Well we might even have out-God'ed him. Troy Polamalu's waaay into Greek Orthodox Christianity. He's down with God without any of the nasty side-effects of the Evangelical community. Eat it Warner, the baby Jesus loves Troy! There are other reasons we should win, but the #1 D flanked by the floating spectre of the holy trinity empowering the Steelers with God juice is reason enough as it is. Also, the mayor of Phoenix and the Cards mascot disrespected the Terrible Towel, this either means they doomed the Cards to a loss or the city of Phoenix is going to burn to the ground. Curses are powerful things.

On the picks front ESPN's "experts" seem tilted to us, 2/3rds of Fox's experts are with the Steelers Nation, Don Banks of SI.com went with us, while Yahoo's Michael Silver went with the Cards, Barry's with us, as is Keith Olbermann, Wolf Blitzer thinks we'll win by 32 points, but President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho has decided to go with the Cardinals, along with turncoat scumbag Dr. Joyce Brothers, Daniel Baldwin (who I thought was dead), this chick with a huge rack who wrote five paragraphs on the subject, and Kato Kaelin, who went with the Cards because he is staying in Russ Grimm's house. Here are more celebrity picks, because you really need to know what Stacy Kiebler and Kevin James think about the game. Most of the local writers went for the Steelers, but Mike "Russ Grimm is the next head coach of the Steelers" Prisuta went for the brass ring and picked the Cardinals. I'm sure he won't have to hear about that until the day he dies..

I sez the Steelers win and cover. Feels like a Heath Miller/Lamar Woodley MVP performance. Maybe Parker. TB congrats to Rod Woodson on being yet another Steeler to make it to Canton. Kickoff is at 6:28. With commercials, the 1st quarter should be over by 8:30, halftime by 11:00, and the final seconds of the game should be wrapping up around noon tomorrow.