Tuesday, February 3, 2009

All you ever needed to know about Pittsburgh

As of now we are about one hour out from the start of the Steelers Super Bowl parade through downtown Pittsburgh. Every single channel is not only there, but has started their coverage an hour ahead of time. They have all their people positioned every 20 feet, and have them delivering reports about something that isn't going to happen for an hour. What do those reports sound like? "Yeah, I'm cold and there's people lining up everywhere. These people sure love their Steelers!" then they cut to a guy 20 feet down the street who repeats the exact same information, only from 20 feet up the line.

Then they cut to the main parade hosts (Sally motherfuckin' Wiggin!!!!!) where they dish out some information like "Ben and Santonio are going to be in the last car holding the trophy", then they go through the entire lineup of sidewalk standers who repeat the "Yeah, I'm cold and there's people lining up everywhere. These people sure love their Steelers!" thing, but adding "These people can't wait to see Ben and Santonio at the end with the trophy." This sequence will continue until the hosts add a new slice of information which the chain will also add to their spiel.

This will go on for an hour. No commercials. It will be among the highest rated programming blocks for the year. I am watching intently as we speak. This is normal Pittsburgh behavior.

Pittsburgh: where we do a pre-game for our sports parades.

EDIT: Epic. Mike Tomlin walking the streets like a South American dictator, Dan Rooney emotionally grabbing Woodley and telling the audience a story about him, Alby Oxenreiter stepping in horseshit, Sheldon Ingram threatening to fuck up Tomlin because he was riding briefly in a cardinal red convertible, William Gay/Brian McFadden dance off, James Farrior stealing the mike from emcee Bob Pompeani then proceeding to emcee 45 minutes worth of the parade, Pitt center Dejuan Blair hopping into one of the cars and joining the parade, Troy Polamalu serenading the audience with the entirety of Styx's Renegade despite not knowing any of the words, Jeff Reed telling inside jokes and apologizing to the crowd because they wouldn't get them, awkward mic performances by backups, and the final words from the stage: "Barack Obama, we coming to get ya! Get ready!"

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