Phelps and Chong

Now that the economy is fixed and everything is OK, America can finally focus on what's important: photos of Michael Phelps smoking a bong. America, do we crucify him or do we put a crown of thorns on him, take his gold medals, and then crucify him? We trusted you Michael! This is almost enough for us as a people to take our focus off of trying to give Jessica Simpson an eating disorder. Thank God the law is getting serious about putting this criminal behind bars.

Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott says he will charge Michael Phelps with a crime if he determines the Olympics hero smoked marijuana in Richland County...

...Possession of marijuana is a misdemeanor, punishable by up to 30 days in jail or a $570 fine, plus court costs.

But Lott seems to be the only person talking about making a case against Phelps. Both the USC and Columbia Police Departments said they would not pursue charges.

You will not be able to see Michael Phelps' eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. Sadly though, this arrest will probably never happen seeing as of yet they have not invented the technology that can go into a photograph and scientifically prove what someone is smoking or snorting. Or if they have invented that technology it certainly hasn't gotten to South Carolina. But at least the SC sheriff gets to look like a big man for a few days and we get to shame a national hero for weed, instead of giving him an extra medal for destroying the swimming world while high.

This does however dash a dream of mine: seeing a police chase involving Phelps, where the cops are chasing him in cars and helicopters on seaside roads and he's furiously butterflying up the coast, pulling away from them.