Important science about the Bible

Noah's Ark has been found! Hold on. Some bits of old wood and rope on a mountain have been found! Isn't it obvious that it's related to a biblical story about a giant boat that held two of every animal on earth?

Noah's Ark has been found atop a mountain in Turkey, a team of Turkish and Chinese evangelical explorers said Monday, April 26.

The 15-person team claims to have recovered fragments of wood and pieces of rope from a structure on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey that carbon dating has put at 4,800 years old, roughly coinciding with the time the biblical flood was said to have been occurred.
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Yeung Wing-Cheung, a member of the team, told AFP, "It's not 100 percent that it is Noah's Ark but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it."

Obviously. You found some wood, but the real clincher was the rope. I mean doesn't that just cinch it? How could anyone deny it? Sure, the "ark" doesn't look big enough to hold two of every hamster, let alone two elephants... and every other species on earth, but I'm sure a little biblical interpretation allows for the divine gift of a shrink ray. Plus, if this ark was found way up on a mountain are we supposed to believe that two of every animal scaled 12,000 feet down a rocky precipice after it settled up there post-flood? Yes? Ok then.

I'm not sure about evangelicals using carbon dating to scan the wood though. Maybe Chinese and Turkish evangelicals are different than American evangelicals, but I'm fairly sure they would burst into flame when coming into contact with such a concentrated form of science as a carbon dating machine. Plus, evangelicals don't seem to like carbon dating when it says things like "the earth has been around for more than 10,000 years", so why would they use it on Noah's Ark? Or is 10,000 years right around the point where carbon dating gets wonky because it's... interfluxing... with the... God... barrier? Or does He tamper with all carbon dating machines to make them date beyond 10,000 years as part of His giant practical joke on humanity that involves Him burying dinosaur bones and making science seem so credible?

If only this article quoted an actual scientist...

Nicholas Purcell, a lecturer in Ancient History at Oxford University, called the claims "the usual nonsense," according to the Daily Mail.

"If floodwaters covered Eurasia 12,000 feet deep in 2,800 BC, how did the complex societies of Egypt and Mesopotamia, already many centuries old, keep right on regardless?" he said.

Oof, too scientific. Don't crush their hopes too hard there, Nick. Just say "It looks like that's pine wood, I'm fairly sure Noah would have made his ark out of teak" or something and tell them to "keep looking".

Stay classy, Miss Beverly Hills

You know what makes our country great? That even low level beauty queens get a chance to partake in our national dialogue on gay rights in the most hateful and violence advocating ways possible.

I'm sorry, I meant to write "You know what makes our country awful?" I don't know what has come over me, that's been happening a lot recently.

Anyway, let's hear from Miss Beverly Hills 2010 Lauren Ashley, who is vying to become the next Carrie Prejean, in both right wing circles and on the pageant circuit. Only hopefully without so much lying, nudity, and lying about nudity, and much more Christian fundamentalism and Old Testament violence.

“The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white,” Ashley told Pop Tarts.

“I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

First off, thanks to the magazine Pop Tarts for getting into the down and dirty, nitty gritty of the fundamentalist religious beliefs of our rich, white beauty queens. No one believed me when I told them you were America's finest journalistic institution, but you've done good work here.

And just in case anyone is wondering; like everyone else who says offensive shit about gays, she totally has gay friends and they're totally cool with the fact that she thinks they all need to die because they're gay.

But she's right. God's like not only an awesome author (He's like two or three Dan Brown's put together), He's totally like the foremost scientist in the world about life. So even though Leviticus says a lot of shit that no one takes seriously or listens to, along with other things the Bible says about women and sex and marriage, we really need to single out the gay stuff, because eww. Expertly argued. A graduate level religion thesis.

At the very least, when you don't win the Miss California pageant this will set you up nicely for a cash-in tour among evangelicals, conservatives, and Fox News, where you can decry the gay influence and how it kept you from your divine right to become a beauty queen and maybe hook-up with a failed, former first round Ravens QB. Isn't that what faith, God, and religion are all about?

Your morning Bible verse

Oh gays, it's so cute when you think that pointing out things like logic, hypocrisy, and double standards in anti-gay marriage protests and the Bible makes a difference. As if this dispute was actually based on God's word.

Still, we do need to being this passage back into the limelight. Thanks for bringing it to our attention. It must have slipped through mine and Sean's sight during the weekly intensive Bible study group we lead.

Holy (good) Shit

[CNN] A marijuana bust along the U.S.-Mexico border revealed 30 pounds of the drug stuffed into framed pictures of Jesus Christ, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency said Wednesday.

To this, Matthew and I say:

Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it."
--Genesis 1:29

Broken News: Study reveals that most bibles are purchased in order to conceal weapons

STATESBORO—As both the Christmas season and fiscal year come to a close, today the National Association of Religious Manufacturers released a troubling statistical survey on the religious habits of Americans. According to their figures, nearly 90% of all new bibles are purchased solely for the purpose of hollowing them out and storing some kind of item inside, usually a stabbing implement.

The study, which was jointly confirmed by the National Organization of Catholic Churches, raises new questions about the beliefs and practices of the US religious community.

“I suspected the number of bibles used to hide drugs, money, or a shiv that you wish to jab in the neck of a prison snitch who knows just a little too much about your business would be high. But to see that almost no one is buying a bible to actually read it? That’s just not something I was prepared for,” remarked Jasper Boykins of the Catholic League.

In fact according to the study, the most common items stored inside on a hollowed out bible were methamphetamines, a shiv made from a bedpost, a shiv made from a toothbrush, a knife that had been smuggled inside someone’s ass, a shiv made out of mess hall utensils, and a shiv made out of a smaller, hardcover bible.

“Statistically speaking it’s mostly shivs or any object that can be used to stab or 'knife fuck' as the kids call it. Prison is a shiv and shank based society,” observed Dr. Henry Farkins, a Professor of Statistics at the University of Georgia who ran the study. “What I found most interesting is that most people preferred to use the old school method of carving out a hollow inside the bible that conformed to the shape of the object they were hiding. In my dealings with bibles I’ve found that’s the most reliable may to hide a killing implement while still maintaining the structural integrity that a bible needs to sustain to remain a sufficient object of deception.”

“Now some will just hollow out a rectangle, preferring instead to use the bible as a more generalized carrying case for all manner of murderous gew-gaws, deadly curios, and Sudafed meth. A lethal hope chest if you will,” continued Farkins. “But you’re just opening yourself up to suspicious rattling noises and an improper weight distribution in case someone picks up your bible to comment on just how devout you are.”

But while ‘concealing an imminent or upcoming attack or murder’ was the reason most commonly cited in new bible purchases, it was not the only one. Also rating highly were ‘concealing flask/alcoholism from wife’, ‘concealing stolen cash from post-church collection plate money count’, ‘using as a prop to convince evangelicals that you’ve already been converted and no longer need to hear about the miracle of Jesus Christ’, and ‘used to dramatically reveal to a crooked, religious warden that the full weight of his criminal dealings are about to come crashing down on him’.

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” exclaimed Dr. John Stephens, a mathematician whose own work studying the relation of how the size of the cross on someone’s wall was inversely proportionate to how religiously superior they wanted to feel to guests in their home was cited as an inspiration in this study.

“I mean you’ve spent all that time concealing the warden’s criminal activities, then, on the night you escape, you leave the bible with a note telling the warden how you’ve mailed off all the incriminating evidence to the authorities and media, finishing it off with a sarcastic quote from the book about judgment or justice. Classic bible usage!”

What this means for the church or religious manufacturers is not yet fully known, but already some companies are moving to scrap their bible lines in order to sell pre-hollowed out religious texts. It’s is expected that the money saved on printing and paper costs will lead to a surge in profits for 2010.

But these early measures are already being criticized as “missing the point.”

“Look, the relationship between a man and his bible is important,” explained Dr. Farkins. “When a man buys a bible he is making a commitment to himself to hollow it out to his own specifications to hide whatever it is he needs to hide from the prying and judgmental eyes of others. You can’t take that experience away from people.”

“We have to remember why the bible was created in the first place: as a means of hiding dangerous weapons or secrets, the discovery of which would result in damaging personal repercussions from the surrounding community. That’s why they call it The Good Book.”

“Besides,” he finished. “What else are you going to do with the thing? Read it?”

Broken In Brief: Dog-baby combination fails to deliver intercourse

NEW YORK--Brooklyn resident Nathan Panetta was rendered speechless over the weekend as the dog and baby he borrowed from his friends failed to garner any female attention during a stroll through Prospect Park.

After a third straight holiday season spent alone beneath the mistletoe and four separate New Year's Eve strikeouts, Panetta chose to beg his married friends, Joe and Ellen Dinetti, for access to Joe Jr. and Benny, a three-year-old baby and beagle/terrier mix, respectively.

"I figured I was fuckin' golden," explained Panetta,36, who has been single for going on four years. "What better way to show come cooze I'm a fuckin' sensitive, caring guy, you know? I been dating Rosie Palmer and her five sisters for so long I ain't even sure if my unit still marches. Some broads like kids, some like doggies. I thought I had all my bases covered. I even put the little brat in a Save Darfur shirt. I should have been up to my balls in trim the second I stepped in that park."

Never one to quit, Panetta returned the alleged "snatch magnets" to their rightful owners and began pondering a new strategy, one that "I'm just sayin', might involve some Chloroform and shadowy lurking."