Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.30

ExxonMobil Posts Biggest Quarterly US Profit In History
Hey don't worry, oil companies are still raking it in to the tune of $14.83 billion a quarter. Don't worry about that drop in oil barrel prices either, they'll cut production to drive it back up and you'll be paying $3 bucks plus in no time. Let's all hope John McCain is elected so these poor folks can get some tax relief, I mean $14.83 billion is nothing when you realize that as a percentage of total revenues it's kind of small. They need some relief.

Philadelphia finally gets another title
Congratulations to the other side of the state for finally winning something other than a poor sportsmanship award or "Most violent and inhumane fanbase" achievement. Try not to burn the place down and keep the murders to a dull roar. We'll meet in the NHL playoffs to kill your hockey dreams for yet another season and you can revert back to a state you're more familiar with: choke induced hate over a playoff loss.

GDP falls 0.3% in third quarter on dive in spending
There's the final indicator, we're in a recession and a world economic crisis. But don't worry, the stock market was up yesterday and is up so far today, so everything is alright. Unless it drops again, then panic. Until it goes up again. The stock market is the sign of whether we have angered the financial Gods or pleased them with our offers of money and virgins.

Florida midnight rally drew 35,000 to hear Clinton, Obama
You know how I know Clinton really, really wants Obama to win? He appears with him in the dead of the night in the woods of Florida so that news media can't cover the rally during the evening news. That's commitment to victory. I can't wait for him to stump for Obama in a West Virginia coal mine shaft at 4 in the morning.

Tucker Bounds: When Palin Shares The Wealth, It Isn’t Socialism — It’s ‘Unique’
Tucker Bounds doesn't know much, but he knows that collective ownership of natural resources and windfall taxes of oil companies that are then spread around to the people of Alaska in the form of tax rebates and wealth sharing isn't socialism. Rolling back George Bush's taxes on the top 1% is socialism. Rolling back tax cuts for the rich while cutting them for the middle class is wealth distribution, not redistributing oil wealth from companies to citizens. Geez, why don't people understand this clear line of reasoning?