Old Man River vs. "Kill Him" 3: Endgame

And yea did God say unto us all "There shalt be a third debate and it shall be painful. Lest ye watch it and be enmeshed in its madness I give unto you a game to play with the spirits of wheat, barley, potato, and rye. Drink deeply when said heralds speak unto you the repeated phrases and make the risible gestures. They shall speak in riddles and you shall not know their meaning until wizened elders speak unto you how said speechcraft 'played in Peoria'. Be at peace my children, thou art three weeks out. Such is the word of the Lord."

We are at endgame. Unless McCain starts promising some serious free balloon handouts tonight, its over. Or 'ova' if you prefer. Tonight's debate takes place at Hofstra and is moderated by CBS' Bob Schieffer. He'll almost certainly ask all the same questions as in the previous debates. Tonight's big twist: they'll be sitting at tables. Marvel at their posture! The other big twist: they've moved to a quip based point system. The new rules, after the jump.

• Pivot away from question to answer question you wish moderator had asked (1 pt)
• Use question to launch into stump speech you give every day (1 pt)
• Awkwardly transition from health care to Bill Ayers (2 pts)
• Show off your brightly colored baboon ass (4 pts)
• Reference the 1940's in a way that alienates and confuses most of the audience (1 pt)
• Say 'fundamental difference' (.5 pts per mention)
• Fill you rebuttal time with baseless attacks so your opponent has to spend the beginning of the next question responding to your lies about the last question (2 pts)
• Saying the secret word (1 pt)
• Get Bob Schieffer to tear up over the handmade birthday card you made him (2 pts)
• Use phrases that sound vaguely racist when coming from an old white man talking about a black man, like "I'm going to whip him" (1 pt)
• Incite debate audience into calls of "traitor" "kill him" "j'accuse" and "DE-FENSE" (3 pts)
• Blind opponent with two fingered jab to eyes (2 pts)
• Block blinding strike by placing your straightened palm between the eyes (2 pts)
• Heartfelt story about some bitch who lost her job that your staffers made up (1 pt)
• Either of the two colored flags ripped from your debate belt (-2 pts)
• Causing opponent's dentures to fall out in gape mouthed disbelief (2 pts)
• Finishing the specially made 50 hardboiled debate eggs before the closing statements (5 pts)

These will be added to the judges scores on folksiness, speechifyin', artistic merit, flim flammery, and presentation.