Broken In Brief: Putin reveals powers of telepathy, flight, invincibility

LENINGRAD--After what he referred to as "unfortunate" news reports disclosed his ability to fend off tigers, kill with his pinky finger, and effectively retain absolute power despite constitutionally mandated term limits, Russian Prime Minister* Vladimir Putin revealed he is also telepathic, can defy gravity, and is impervious to virtually all conventional weaponry. Initial reports have indicated that these abilities were acquired without the aid of cheat codes.

Attention was first drawn to Putin's suspicious talents after he tranquilized an escaped Amur tiger in Russia's Ussuriisk Wildlife Preserve last month. This event, coupled with the recent release of an instructional Judo DVD, prompted journalists to delve further into Putin's foggy past. After a near-record twenty minutes of research, this reporter discovered that sources have on multiple occasions witnessed Putin traveling great distances at high speed without mechanical aid, as well as deflecting bullets with what appeared to be nothing more than bare hands and a steely gaze.

Further speculation suggested that Putin's superhuman talents are by no means contained to the corporeal. Added to the list of his otherworldly powers is the relatively obscure ability of "soul projection," which an expert who requested anonymity but claims to "have PhD's in psychology and parapsychology" credits with Putin having accomplished the otherwise impossible task of earning George W. Bush's approval by telling the US President exactly what he wants to hear.

*Note: Under Putin, the position of Prime Minister translates roughly to "King and God of All Every Everything Forever."