Broken News: Corporate Media Looks to, for, New Catastrophe

NEW YORK--Concerned that any measure of reassurance or hint at resolution to the world financial crisis would endanger their stranglehold on the panicked American consciousness, the five heads of major network and cable news networks convened in New York City today to discuss what impending tragedy, real or imagined, might next be harnessed to suit their financial ends.

NBC Chief Executive Officer Jeff Zucker, who convened this landmark meeting of The Five Outlets, began by asserting the severity of the situation. "These are dark times, colleagues. While we are all ostensibly competitors, cooperation is required at this juncture. We cannot allow the notion that 'everything will be all right' to settle in the minds of the American media consumer."

Leslie Moonves, Chairman of CBS, echoed this sentiment. "There aren't any hurricanes, Miley Cyrus hasn't gotten addicted to anything yet, the bloggers keep scooping us on every fucking piece of Palin intel, and this 'Joe the Plumber' shit didn't even survive the weekend."

Tensions were high in the room, as the media giants brainstormed new and interesting pseudo-events to which their primped careerist minions could completely overreact. At one point, Robert Iger, CEO of Walt-Disney, which owns ABC, broke into a sugar free Red Bull-fueled stream of consciousness idea rant. "Can't Russia invade something else? Has Putin slain any ferocious wild animals lately? Sharks kill anything? Anything stuck in a well or on fire? Anything burning stuck down a well? Any flaming wells? Sharks in wells?" When his wonderings were met with uneasy silence, Iger threw a pad of paper across the room and screamed, "You're telling me no celebrities have stolen anything important? Hit someone with a car? Touched a kid? Where’s Jeffrey Jones when you really need him?"

Once Iger had been properly sedated, the discussion continued, with CNN Chairman and CEO, Philip Kent wondering aloud if there were any more Bin Laden tapes floating around. Speaking from a dark corner of the room, the light seeming to shrink from his presence, Fox News CEO Roger Ailes calmly declared, "Osama is out-of-pocket until a week before the election," while picking his teeth with a bleached toddler rib.

As the meeting continued and the mood in the room grew darker, the executives confessed various levels of hatred for a government they held responsible for making rare sensible decisions and depriving the networks of fodder. "The Supreme Court had to go and fuck up the 'voter fraud' thing," said Moonves. "We already had Bob Scheiffer lined up for a special two-part It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your constitution is? event."

Zucker chimed back in, claiming, "How are we supposed to meet quarterly revenue goals by covering lame-ass shit like the ascendancy of the first black president in our nation's history and a potential veto-proof Democratic majority in the Senate? That only frightens arch-conservatives, many of whom can't even read."

Kent agreed, adding, "Sure, we can exaggerate and sensationalize and loop vaguely accurate coverage for 24 hours. But we can't actually make anything up; the lying has to come from those douchebag pundits we hire to offer perspective. And we actually have to pay some of those ingrates!"

Suddenly Moonves slammed his fist down on the table and shouted, “I have the best of both worlds! It hits all the bases: violence, tragedy, 24-hour coverage and it gets another Republican in the White House. We throw Trig Palin in a well and pay a black guy to kidnap the knocked up one! Just think of the coverage! It'll be like Lacy Peterson on steroids with a Baby Jessica multiplier. This would engender so much good will that the country would take a week off from paying attention to anything important and vote entirely based on sympathy, instead of the deep revulsion they've come to feel for Caribou Barbie.”

“Les, you brilliant fucking man, you’ve done it again,” said Zucker, his erection clearly visible through his crimson robe. “Brandy, opium scones, and ether-laced ball gags for everyone! Turn on CNBC! My friends, I do believe I have a tragedy boner.”

With the discussion moving on to whether making the Palin kidnapper look like Obama was too obvious, the mood in the room became one of eased tensions as the opiates took their desired effect. Only Ailes, groggily dunking a burlap sack full of kittens into the aquarium, seemed dispirited. “I still say go with the bin Laden tape. The classics are the best.” When no response came, Ailes sighed, opened his clawed hand, and watched the twitching sack drift to the bottom of the tank.