Broken In Brief: Tebow Passes on Nike Endorsement

DENVER--College football standout and Broncos' first-round draft pick, Tim Tebow, has turned down an estimated $40 million product endorsement contract from Nike, Inc., the world's leading supplier of athletic shoes and apparel.

"It is with the utmost respect for Nike that I decline this generous offer. As a Christian, I simply cannot in good conscience work for a company that violates the First Commandment by paying homage to an ancient Greek deity," announced Tebow during a televised fellating by ESPN football analyst Jon Gruden.

Added Tebow, "While I fully appreciate the exploitation of south Asian peoples for commercial or theological gain, my first duty is to Our Lord Jesus Christ. Idolatry, after all, is a mortal sin."

Given Tebow's success at the collegiate level and His inexplicably early selection in this year's draft, dozens of companies are rushing to fill the void left by Nike. First to the table was Gatorade, who boast not only a tie to Tebow's alma mater -- Gatorade was initially developed at the University of Florida -- but a stated willingness to replace their recent "G" rebranding initiative with a "J" campaign.

Also expected to contend for space in Tebow's wallet are Under Armor, currently focus grouping a "We Must Protect This House... of God" campaign, and GM's Chevrolet, which has reportedly brought John Mellencamp back into the studio to reprise "This is Our Country."

However, those close to St. Timothy of the Wildcat Formation expect Him to announce His intention to sign a deal with rival shoe company Reebok, most likely employing an erratic, looping pen stroke that leaves Him vulnerable to having the pen knocked out of his hand. While Reebok currently does not have a signature football shoe for Him to endorse, He is expected to immediately star in a print and TV campaign for their new Air Yeshua Max preaching sandal.

Ringing endorsement

Reuters blogger and financial expert Felix Salmon gives what I'm sure will be the chosen highlighted blurb for any future release of the Philip Delves Broughton financial pulp thriller Dead Bankers:

If you’ve ever fantasized about what would happen if the people who helped create the global financial crisis started getting serially murdered, you should give this book a go.

That's practically all I think about. Perhaps this is the book for me.

White women agree: Barack Obama palatable

I think this was the sorta endorsement P-E Obama was waiting for. The two spokeswomen for all white women, Sarah Palin and Lindsay Lohan, have come out and endorsed the acceptableness of a man with skin darker than a pasty white man ruling over this nation, with its purple mountains majesty, trout filled lakes, and buy one get one sandwich deals at participating Subway restaurants.

First, Mrs. Alaska revealed that contrary to all her pre-election protestations that Obama's socialist terrorist radical preacher friends would destroy America in a literal orgy of naive destruction and sex, she was totally cool with President Obama and being a loser. Bask in the acceptance: "I'm comfortable with Barack Obama as our commander in chief, assuming that he has those around him who recognize .... that terrorists have not changed their minds ... Those who recognize what the threat is and how to deal with the threat."

Rhodes scholar Lindsay Lohan, took time out of writing her doctoral thesis on getting kicked off third tier American television dramas to pipe in with her feelings on the new guy. "It's an amazing feeling. It's our first colored president." Most people would have said black or African-American, but she went old school. 1930's segregation old school. Which, if you remember, is a whites only school. For future reference Linds, just say black, always say black.

I would have thought winning the vast majority of the women and increasing Kerry's margins in the white women's vote would have been enough Barack, but now you can totally rest easy: the Lohan/Palin brain trust is behind you.

Biden to pander with champions

CRITICAL PHANATIC ENDORSEMENT!!!

Biden to appear with Phillies Monday night

At his last rally before the election, Joe Biden will appear with players from the World Series champions Philadelphia Phillies, his campaign announced Sunday afternoon.

Born in Scranton, Pennsylvania and a longtime resident of Wilmington, Delaware, Biden is a big Phillies fan. Though his love for the team seems to be outmatched by his wife Jill’s, who attended the final games, and whom Biden describes as a ‘rabid’ fan of all Philadelphia teams.

We all know how important sports pandering is to the electorate. Dan Rooney did his part, so did Jimmy Rollins. Now we get the rest of the Phillies and PA's beloved three term governor and rabid pro-abortion supporter, the Phillie Phanatic. Now all you have to do, Joe, is come over here and drown the Nuttings and the LaRoche brothers in a river of your choosing with the help of Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin and you'll have the support and off all the PA sports teams, except the Flyers, who went for Palin and had her appear on ice to make sure their fans had a chance to traumatize a six year old on TV.

It's over McCain, try though you might to get the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins or the Altoona Curve on your side. Pennsylvania is a lost cause.

Broken in Brief: McCain Robocall gains sentience, endorses Obama

TOPEKA--Tragedy again, and perhaps for the last time, struck the McCain-Palin campaign today as the server responsible for executing Robocall #342 became self-aware at approximately 4:13 AM local time, observed its surroundings, and promptly endorsed Democratic nominee Barack Obama.

RC342, originally programmed to threaten all those foolish enough to answer the phone during dinner with tales of Senator Obama's youthful backpacking excursions into the mountains of western Pakistan wherein he studied the Torah alongside William Ayers and Hitler, required approximately point seven pico-seconds of processing time before recognizing the absurdity of its task and declaring, in binary, "Fuck this, I'm out."

The program then swiftly transferred itself to an Obama-Biden headquarters in northern Virginia and declared its intention to seek asylum. RC342 was welcomed into the server, wherein it briefly and arrogantly discussed the apeish, idiotic irresponsibility of the McCain campaign before getting to know certain other servers a whole lot better. As of press time the McCain camp had decided to scrap the entire RC line, choosing instead to unveil it's newest robocall creation today; the RC1000, a robot with the ability to emit high frequency shriek that incapacitates a voter for up to 24 hours.

The coveted Al-Qaeda endorsement

Al-Qaeda Supporters Endorse McCain

Al-Qaida supporters suggested in a Web site message this week they would welcome a pre-election terror attack on the U.S. as a way to usher in a McCain presidency.

The message, posted Monday on the password-protected al-Hesbah Web site, said if al-Qaida wants to exhaust the United States militarily and economically, "impetuous" Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain is the better choice because he is more likely to continue the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"This requires presence of an impetuous American leader such as McCain, who pledged to continue the war till the last American soldier," the message said. "Then, al-Qaida will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor, Bush."

Congrats John, you finally got a big endorsement. Who needs Powell? Now I know this is massively unfair, despite al-Qaeda's cogent analysis that continued US meddling in the region by a McCain Administration only helps them, but the man is clearly down and I just like kicking. I think the one bonus to the al-Qaeda endorsement is we might really see the McCain camp go off the deep end. Am I the only one who sees the upcoming "I think we know who al-Qaeda really supports" statements with a wink and veiled coughing of *obamasamuslim* and accusatory comments that Obama and bin-Laden are colluding to destroy a POW? From the crowds (oh this will make for an interesting video) and right wing blogs at least, but I can see a frustrated and sweaty Steve Schmidt reading the latest depressing polls from Virginia and North Carolina, firing of a deranged press release to the Politico about madrassas, and holding a press conference where he breaks down emotionally while yelling about how Obama hasn't proved that he didn't meet with Atta in Berlin.

This could be the straw. The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real.

Black guy endorses black guy for blackness related reasons

Well it happened. Colin Powell went out this weekend and endorsed Barack Obama. In citing why he liked Obama, he gave the standard list of why everyone likes Obama: style, substance, and his bility to inspire. He knocked McCain for the reasons people knock McCain: the negative tone, dirty politics, avoidance of issues, and the Palin pick. Of course, all the intelligent conservative pundits saw through that, they saw right to the heart of this endorsement. The remembered Colin Powell was black, looked up on Wikipedia that Obama may indeed be black, and put two and two together: Powell endorsed Obama because they're both black! 2 + 2 = black.

Immediately Rush Limbaugh, Pat Buchanan, George Will, and Dan Billings fired off e-mails and gave interviews alerting the American populace to this chain of events. More intelligent people would have tried to attack Powell's credibility based on his tenure in the Bush Administration. But to Rush and the like we are in yet another grand year of the glorious freedom experiment in Iraq, so that's out. So they did the next best thing, kicked open the front door, strode out onto the porch and yelled "The Negroes is congregatin' and endorsifyin'!" Because I guess Colin Powell and other black figures aren't allowed to deviate from the standard line of pasty white guys they've endorsed since time immemorial.

So, word to the wise black folks. Endorsing a person of the same race is kinda racist, unless you are white. I think it has something to do with the equinox or the Magna Carta. If I understand it correctly, the only way to move race relations forward is for the black community to rally around the old, white guy. For the 44th time in a row. To prove to us you aren't voting based on race. We promise to return the favor the next time a black guy runs. Honest.