Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Our financial betters gird themselves for the peasant uprising

A class war uprising is coming, according to those who work at Goldman-Sachs. I'd trust them, their balance sheets show they have a fairly good predictive record. Hell, just like most times, they've even manipulated this economic crisis too. And not the good kind of class war either, like when rich people fuck over poor people, no, the bad kind. The poors rising up en masse to overthrow the their social and financial betters just because people in the financial and banking industries may or may not have set all the peasants money on fire, tanked the economy and job markets, gotten reimbursed for their losses off the backs of the proles, and have shown no remorse for doing so.

“I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit,” said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

I called Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas van Praag to ask whether it’s true that Goldman partners feel they need handguns to protect themselves from the angry proletariat. He didn’t call me back. The New York Police Department has told me that “as a preliminary matter” it believes some of the bankers I inquired about do have pistol permits. The NYPD also said it will be a while before it can name names.
Ahh Wall Street, you really don't know us. We all have bigger and better guns, more of them, and we reload our own ammo. Saves on costs. Still, this does perfectly sum up your mindset. Instead of showing an ounce of humility, a shred of remorse, or one nanoparticle of regret, you start arming yourself in anticipation of the class war you know is coming.

Come now, if the poor were really going to rise up and start guillotining the rich, wouldn't we have done it, like, decades ago? Wouldn't it be sort of an annual thing? You know: rich people fuck up economy, poor people take the brunt of it, mass beheadings, lessons learned, things go back to normal, wash, rinse, repeat. Please, no; we're forgiving like that. Plus, with the economy the way it is, none of us can afford a plane ticket to New York. Plus your doormen are really good; it's impossible to get into one of those highrises carrying a high powered rifle.

So no, the unwashed masses won't be kicking it the door of your board meeting, setting fire to your estate, garroting your Yorkiepoo, before finally marching you into the public square to be tarred and feathered. No, we're just going to wait until you finally, completely collapse society. Then we'll eat you as food. Have Tim Geithner bail you out of that.

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