Thomson is your new Gitmo

When you wanted the government's detainee holding facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba closed because it violated both US and International law, was a humanitarian blight, undermined our foreign policy, and provided a shiny recruiting tool for extremists and terrorists, one candidate rose up and said "I agree." His name was Barack Obama. Now that he's the President he has seen the problems Gitmo creates and has finally decided to do what we all implored him to to with the detainee facility: keep everything about it the same, but move it's location to Thomson, Illinois. That was all our big problem, right? That it was in Cuba? Let them explain it to you in a letter they sent explaining it to Rep. Mark Kirk of Illinois.

If Thomson is selected, we do not anticipate that any detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay who are transferred to Thomson would be prosecuted in civilian courts.
...
Nevertheless, and interagency review panel is in the final stages of determining the number of detainees who will continue to be held, and for whom no prosecution is planned.
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the Department of Justice will pursue prosecution of Guantanamo Bay detainees in Federal Court only when admissible evidence or potentially available admissible evidence will probably be sufficient to obtain and sustain a conviction.

So to recap: no one moved to Thomson will receive and actual trial in an American court, those who have deigned to have some measure of rights will be charged and tried under military commissions, and the rest will be held without charges of any kind. On the bright side, they will be beefing up security at Thomson beyond the standards of a Supermax prison, thus preventing the illiterate opium farmers from using their laser vision and super strength that only the walls of Gitmo could contain.

In other words, all we've changed at Gitmo is the location. I guess symbolic measure are just as good as real ones, right? I'm sure that the worldwide legal and human rights community, the Red Cross, the UN, American's who opposed Gitmo, and the Muslim world will totally appreciate the difference. I mean Gitmo sounds like such a harsh name. Thomson? Thomson is your friend, Thomson is your buddy, Thomson wouldn't beat and torture you while he illegally imprisoned you. No, this is perfectly acceptable. This is exactly what we asked for: a change in scenery for our illegally held detainees. I'm glad Obama listened.