Thursday, December 10, 2009

Broken News: Scientists reluctantly admit global climate change conspiracy

COPENHAGEN—Citing the recently uncovered Climategate controversy and heavy consciences, the world's scientific elite gathered today at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen to formally admit the decades long conspiracy to trick the world into believing the science behind climate change and global warming was, in fact, real.

“Our bad,” announced the Chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Rajendra Pachauri, to the stunned silence of those gathered.

“Uh yeah,” he continued, sweating profusely and tugging nervously at his shirt collar. “We just wanted some attention. None of you care about climate science or anyone who does research in the field. Hell, TV weathermen get more respect than us.”

Clearing his throat, Pachauri added, “We also really hated industry and spitefully wanted to cripple economies for no good reason,” before sheepishly walking off the stage, his head drooped low.

As the pained cries of “No!” went up around the surrounding area and mixed with the joyful yelps of “I knew it!”, those in attendance at COP15 struggled to understand how such a vast conspiracy was hatched and held together.

Offering up his own explanation was Dr. Eric Wenham, a now discredited climate scientist working in the field of marine ecologies, who was huddled with a group of other scientists off to the right of the stage.

“Well, Mr. Pachauri was right. We all felt extremely unpopular and taken for granted,” he said, awkwardly digging his toe into the ground.

“I know why I got into measuring carbon concentrations in oyster and clam shells: for the fucking glory! It drove me right up the wall when I wasn’t getting the prestige and fame that a life in climate science was supposed to get you.”

The other scientists in the area agreed, with one in the back shouting “Actually, I got into climatology for the money.”

"And the women!" shouted an unidentified researcher.

“Well, we’re all in it for the money and women,” Wenham laughed. “I mean, we all know how much a top level climate scientist can pull down. Billions!“

As the day went on, this group of scientists went on to diagram how and why they became part of the greatest scientific hoax since the moon landing.

“For me, I first heard about it in hushed tones; people telling me that if I really wanted to make the big money I just had to mention that all my research showing increased carbon levels was somehow going to kill the world,” revealed Dr. Tashahiro Fumigato MIT. “A completely ludicrous proposition, by the way.”

The surrounding scientists nodded in agreement. Which begged the question, if carbon levels were actually rising, then wasn’t that a problem?

“Of course not!” Fumigato roared, practically doubled over with amusement. “We breathe CO2 out, so how dangerous can it be?”

Other scientists joined in the laughter with one asking how something could be bad if God made it.

“So,” Fumigato continued. “We just concocted a story about warming, rising oceans, bad weather, melting icecaps, and gussied it up with tales about sad polar bears and fuzzy kittens. Then all that money began rolling in.”

Everyone nodded and held up various bejeweled canes, diamond Rolexes, keys to Bentleys, and fat wads of sweaty $100 bills.

“I just want to be clear here,” Wenham chimed back in. “We also really hated industry and capitalism. I can’t stress that enough. We wanted to damage it for no other reason than our own personal amusement.”

Again everyone nodded, with several augmenting Wenham’s words with extra “really’s”, before they eventually grew disinterested in their own conspiracy and started to disperse into the crowd.

With this global conspiracy revealed and the climate "scientists" finally exposed for the frauds they are, few are sure what will happen next. Apart from Al Gore's imminent arrest and execution, most of the climate science field will revert to relative anonymity of a comparatively unrewarding upper-middle-class lifestyle.

For now, most observers are pointing to this hoax as evidence that people need to be more skeptical towards all science and especially scientists. On this point Dr. Fumigato agrees wholeheartedly.

“People just need to realize that scientists occasionally lie for no good reason and get other to join them in their lies, also for no good reason. Sometimes it really is best to listen to corporations and energy conglomerates that might not seem credible because of the colossal financial stake they have in discrediting science that doesn’t say what they want. Most times, they’re telling the truth. More so than us scientists, that’s for sure.”

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