Broken News: TMZ abandons overcrowded gossip market to cover real news

HOLLYWOOD—Worlds collided earlier today as the rumor-mongering gossip engine of modern media, TMZ, announced that it would be abandoning its corner of the celebrity news world in order to pursue new avenues in the field of actual journalism. The unholy brainchild of AOL and Warner Bros., which has taken great pride and revenue in directing internet-based media down a shamelessly pathetic path, hopes to re-brand itself as the go-to source for news on the world, politics, the economy, foreign policy, and other such serious journalistic pursuits

“I am sad to announce that we are abandoning the gossip based infotainment sector of the news that we so heartily and successfully pioneered,” announced TMZ managing editor Harvey Levin. “But in this harsh media environment and with the moribund future for the print industry we feel we need to shift gears to stay afloat and viable in the news landscape.”

“Frankly, too many supposed hard news organizations are horning in on our shit” he sighed, anger flashing across his red face.

Slamming his fist on the podium Levin yelled “Well, enough is enough. They want to abandon real news to cover celebrity nonsense? Well, we’ll just go cover Ben Bernanke’s confirmation hearing, Taliban influence in the Kunduz province, and the Copenhagen climate conference. See how they like it.”

Sources close to Levin and TMZ management say that they have been under increasing pressure to make up the increasing drops in revenue that have been occurring with more frequency as formerly legitimate news organizations abandoned traditional journalistic fields for dumpster diving and catty rumor spreading.

Some, including Columbia Professor of Journalism and Media Studies, Dr. William Banks, see opportunities in the field of hard news now that for former mainstream media establishment has ceded the ground.

“There used to be a time when you’d come to us when you wanted to know exactly how many bar skanks Tiger Woods was plowing, how long A-Rod had been plowing Kate Hudson, whether Brad Pitt was still plowing Angelina Jolie or if he had gone back to plowing Jennifer Aniston, and who was too fat to be allowed on TV and in movies.”

Banks continued, “Now you just flip on the network news, 24 hour news, the New York Times, the Washington Post, or wherever. Hell, I just read the Wall Street Journal editorial board writing about Courtney Love losing custody of her kid. I think there’s a real opportunity for TMZ to fill in the areas that traditional media has abandoned.”

“By which I mean all areas that don’t have to do with horse race politics and petty electoral gamesmanship,” Banks clarified.

For now, the response from traditional media outlets has been one of smug triumphalism, with CBS noting that they were content to know that Katie Couric would have to deal with less crowding and elbows while rummaging through Lindsay Lohan’s trash. ABC announced that they were happy that there would be less competition for Barbara Walters to do softball, hazy lensed interviews with the most famous hooker or mistress of the moment.

“This is just the MSM catering to the whims of the American people,” observed Oliver Tilden, media analyst for E’s Lookit! Famous Boobies! program. “The public has decided that the real world is too horrible and depressing to deal with and instead they’d rather focus on seeing celebrities brought down to their level. If TMZ thinks they can woo America with competent reporting on issues that affect their lives, then they’re just sadly mistaken.”

Tilden coldly added, “Just ask the Rocky Mountain News, Tucson Citizen, Kentucky Post, King County Journal, Union City Register-Tribune, Halifax Daily News, Albuquerque Tribune, South Idaho Press, San Juan Star, Capital Times, the Detroit Free Press, Christian Science Monitor, East Valley Tribune, Ann Arbor News, Flint Journal, Bay City Times, Saginaw News, the Hudson Register-Star, the Cincinnati Post, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the Baltimore Examiner, and, after next month, the LA Times if covering real news is a good idea.”

TMZ will reportedly ease into hard news coverage, first starting with details on who Tim Geithner is plowing, Taliban weight loss tips, and State Department gossip from six-party talks with North Korea, before hopefully moving into a fully legitimate news operation in the 1st quarter of next year.