Broken News: Study reveals that most bibles are purchased in order to conceal weapons

STATESBORO—As both the Christmas season and fiscal year come to a close, today the National Association of Religious Manufacturers released a troubling statistical survey on the religious habits of Americans. According to their figures, nearly 90% of all new bibles are purchased solely for the purpose of hollowing them out and storing some kind of item inside, usually a stabbing implement.

The study, which was jointly confirmed by the National Organization of Catholic Churches, raises new questions about the beliefs and practices of the US religious community.

“I suspected the number of bibles used to hide drugs, money, or a shiv that you wish to jab in the neck of a prison snitch who knows just a little too much about your business would be high. But to see that almost no one is buying a bible to actually read it? That’s just not something I was prepared for,” remarked Jasper Boykins of the Catholic League.

In fact according to the study, the most common items stored inside on a hollowed out bible were methamphetamines, a shiv made from a bedpost, a shiv made from a toothbrush, a knife that had been smuggled inside someone’s ass, a shiv made out of mess hall utensils, and a shiv made out of a smaller, hardcover bible.

“Statistically speaking it’s mostly shivs or any object that can be used to stab or 'knife fuck' as the kids call it. Prison is a shiv and shank based society,” observed Dr. Henry Farkins, a Professor of Statistics at the University of Georgia who ran the study. “What I found most interesting is that most people preferred to use the old school method of carving out a hollow inside the bible that conformed to the shape of the object they were hiding. In my dealings with bibles I’ve found that’s the most reliable may to hide a killing implement while still maintaining the structural integrity that a bible needs to sustain to remain a sufficient object of deception.”

“Now some will just hollow out a rectangle, preferring instead to use the bible as a more generalized carrying case for all manner of murderous gew-gaws, deadly curios, and Sudafed meth. A lethal hope chest if you will,” continued Farkins. “But you’re just opening yourself up to suspicious rattling noises and an improper weight distribution in case someone picks up your bible to comment on just how devout you are.”

But while ‘concealing an imminent or upcoming attack or murder’ was the reason most commonly cited in new bible purchases, it was not the only one. Also rating highly were ‘concealing flask/alcoholism from wife’, ‘concealing stolen cash from post-church collection plate money count’, ‘using as a prop to convince evangelicals that you’ve already been converted and no longer need to hear about the miracle of Jesus Christ’, and ‘used to dramatically reveal to a crooked, religious warden that the full weight of his criminal dealings are about to come crashing down on him’.

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” exclaimed Dr. John Stephens, a mathematician whose own work studying the relation of how the size of the cross on someone’s wall was inversely proportionate to how religiously superior they wanted to feel to guests in their home was cited as an inspiration in this study.

“I mean you’ve spent all that time concealing the warden’s criminal activities, then, on the night you escape, you leave the bible with a note telling the warden how you’ve mailed off all the incriminating evidence to the authorities and media, finishing it off with a sarcastic quote from the book about judgment or justice. Classic bible usage!”

What this means for the church or religious manufacturers is not yet fully known, but already some companies are moving to scrap their bible lines in order to sell pre-hollowed out religious texts. It’s is expected that the money saved on printing and paper costs will lead to a surge in profits for 2010.

But these early measures are already being criticized as “missing the point.”

“Look, the relationship between a man and his bible is important,” explained Dr. Farkins. “When a man buys a bible he is making a commitment to himself to hollow it out to his own specifications to hide whatever it is he needs to hide from the prying and judgmental eyes of others. You can’t take that experience away from people.”

“We have to remember why the bible was created in the first place: as a means of hiding dangerous weapons or secrets, the discovery of which would result in damaging personal repercussions from the surrounding community. That’s why they call it The Good Book.”

“Besides,” he finished. “What else are you going to do with the thing? Read it?”