Russia: saving our asses

Space. It may seem benign, what with all the pretty pictures of it we post in our picture of the day feature, but in reality it is a ticking time bomb of murder just waiting to lob some Texas sized kill rock at us in a wanton act of aggression. I know this. You know this. Science knows this. Most importantly: Russia knows this.

Out there, right now, some large chunk of debris is out there waiting to do to us what they already did to the dinosaurs. But where the dinosaur's asteroid deflection technology was laughably inadequate, ours is strong. You see, the thunder lizards didn't have Vladimir Putin.

In an interview today with Voice of Russia radio, Russia’s space agency chief said discussions would begin soon over a plan to save the world from a collision with a massive asteroid.

It’s not clear how, exactly, the Russians plan to deflect Apophis, a chunk of rock the size of two and a half soccer fields that was first discovered by astronomers in 2004. Anatoly Perminov, the space agency head, promised that there would be “no nuclear explosions” and that everything would be done “on the basis of the laws of physics.”

Astronomers initially guessed that Apophis had a reasonably good chance of smashing into Earth on its first flyby; NASA now reckons that the chances of that have gone from slim (one-in-45,000) to almost none (four-in-a million). But despite the lower NASA estimate, the Russians aren’t so sure. Perminov said the asteroid “will surely collide with the Earth in the 2030s.”

You can't fool the Russian with your mathematical projections and theoretical models. There is one thing that everyone in Russia knows: that fucking rock is going to fucking end life as we know it and it's up to their country to stop it. Sure, the asteroid absolutely won't hit us in 2029, but there's an infinitesimally small change that Apophis will hit a gravity well and swing back around for the kill shot in 2036. Sure the chance that it'll happen is about the same as you winning the lottery while being attacked by a shark that's being attacked by killer bees, but do you think Prime Minister Putin wears a chain-mail suit and a beekeepers outfit every time he scratches off an instant lottery ticket? For fun? No, because he doesn't trust the odds.

So don't worry about that asteroid you weren't worried about and science says that you should in no way be worried about. Russia has got a handle on it and they totally swear they won't fire nukes at it. How will they do it then? Don't know. Maybe Putin will be flown up into orbit shirtless and he'll allow the asteroid to collide with his brawny chest, destroying the interstellar nuisance. Maybe they'll attack rockets to Apophis and move it out of position. They'll probably just end up firing nukes at it. In any event, we at These Bastards commend Russia for taking unnecessary space action towards a non-existent threat. Someone has to do it.