Friday, December 4, 2009

Broken In Brief: State Department pretty sure it heard laughter when it told Russia about Afghanistan escalation

FOGGY BOTTOM—In the days since President Obama announced his plan to add an additional 30,000 troops to the war effort in Afghanistan, those within the diplomatic community aren’t certain, but are pretty sure that Russian ambassadors, ministers, and military establishment were giggling to themselves.

“You know, I’m not certain, but I swore I heard the Foreign Affairs Minister snort and then muffle the phone as he chortled to himself. I hadn’t even finished saying the world ‘escalation’,” explained Philip Gordon, the Assistant Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs.

“But then when I confronted him about it, he assured me that it wasn’t the case, that what we were doing was a totally smart idea, and that he wished us well in our ‘brilliant and never before conceived-of endeavor.’ But during that last part his voice went all high pitched and his speech was halting, so I think he might have been trying not to laugh again. Must be some Russian joke.”

Indeed, reports are preliminary but it seems that most of the Russian establishment found the escalation of war in Afghanistan, a country with which they also had a previous conflict, to be of the utmost comedy.

Several ministers were reportedly treated in local hospitals from desk banging-related hand injuries. There are also rumors that one General had to be administered oxygen, and an expense report from the Foreign Affairs office cites a reimbursement request from a staffer for 14 pairs of slacks that had to be purchased due to “extensive soiling of several analysts’ original pants.”

In an effort to quell any diplomatic tensions, Prime Minister Putin was supposed to give an extensive speech praising America’s judgment, but stopped only a few sentences in before doubling over the lectern as tears streamed down his face. The Prime Minister did, however, manage to squeak out a terse “well done” before flashing a thumbs up and stumbling into the back room with both hands clasped over his mouth.

As of press time, the State Department, Defense Department, and White House were unable to see just what was so funny.

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