Broken News: Conservatives blast Obama over "competent, effective" missile defense system

WASHINGTON--Republicans went on the offensive today in response to President Obama's new missile defense policy, unveiled late last week.

The plan, which either reverses or drastically modifies the policy put forth by former President George W. Bush, calls for a wider, more mobile network of land and sea-based missile defense platforms. This is in stark contrast to the previous version predicated upon the fixed installations in Eastern Europe that has inflamed tensions with Russia, which viewed the policy as a threat to its regional sovereignty entirely centered around a neoconservative fixation with America's perceived penis size.

Responding to a New York Times editorial by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates, Jerry Lewis (R-etard), the ranking Republican on the House Appropriations Committee, called Obama's policy, "Laughably competent and cost-effective, not to mention shockingly respectful of international relations with a nuclear power. I can scarcely believe the state of rational military policy that the President has plunged us into."

Banging his fist on the desk, Lewis yelled, “I will not allow the Russians to think that I have a baby dick!”

The President's plan, which has the support of senior Pentagon personnel and high-ranking national security experts, was hailed by Secretary Gates as "very pragmatic."

For their part, Republican lawmakers have vowed to fight the policy every step of the way. House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-eprehensible), explained during his morning press briefing that, "I do not want my children, or any of your children, to grow up in an America that lacks a wildly impractical, cost-prohibitive shield against statistically improbable threats."

Added Boehner, "By the by, my penis is huge. Seriously, when I walk down the street, I clothesline children and midgets. I just regret that Obama’s reckless policies are forcing me to hire professional photographers to document this fact, so I can send proof to President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin. I’m out-of-pocket on this!”

Criticism was also quick to bubble up in conservative pundit and talk radio circles, the two areas of American society that most need American foreign and military policy to act as an extension of their genitals.

On his daily radio show, right wing personality and lover of all woodland creatures, Glenn Beck exclaimed, "Barack Obama's missile defense plan is less expensive, will be in place almost a decade sooner, and unlike the previous system, has undergone a successful field test. That type of competence from the Military Industrial Complex is not only unwise, it is un-American. Obama has stolen our dongs!"

While some of the criticism has been over the top, even some traditional Obama supporters are wary of this new plan and how it will affect American missile defense of vulnerable countries, as well as America's position of Johnson-based superiority over the entire planet.

They point to an early 2001 Pentagon study entitled Thunder Dick: American Strategic Defense Analysis of Phallic Psychological Capabilities, which concluded that America’s penis had shrunk to its smallest size since the post-Cold War era spending cuts, with the country’s balls in sad shape as well. It was this report that initially spurred the Bush Administration into the largest expansion of America’s cock since World War II.

“I will not allow the world to think our dingus is merely 15 or 16 feet long,” explained Lewis. “I want them to fear it! To see it cresting over the horizon, crushing their bridges and menacing their skyscrapers! I want our dick to blot out the sun! Isn’t this the whole point of spending more on our military than the rest of the world combined?”

As for combating this attempt to plague America’s defense with cogent thought, Boehner and Lewis are unsure what steps to take next. Lewis had initially planned to have an alternative defense plan boondoggle ready for the new legislative year, but was reportedly undecided on whether it should involve Transformer-like robot ICBM launchers or genetically engineered rocket-intercepting pterodactyls in "Fuck Russia" sweaters.

For Boehner, he’s unsure his caucus has the energy to recklessly warmonger at a level sufficient to convince the world that our penis is bigger than ever.

“Lousy Obama and his rotten competent military planning,” muttered a dejected Boehner. “I shouldn’t have to prove shit to the Russians. I mean, look at my last name!”