Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.22

Waterboarding Doesn’t Work, Scientists Say
I don't want to blow your minds too hard before noon, so let me slow walk you through this one: the use of waterboarding, stress positions, and sleep deprivation are proven to actually destroy memory functions cause frontal lobe damage. So let's see, that makes it morally, ethically, legally, medically, and scientifically wrong to use waterboarding as a torture enhanced interrogation method. Do we need more, or must we unearth an ancient stone tablet that says it too?

Better world: Be nice to people
Great, now science says that being nice and altruistic acts spread through non-internet social networks and that being kind within your social groups can come back to benefit you, if you want to think about it selfishly. In a related study they show that negative acts and bad vibes can spread the same way, and that, more or less, Sean and I are responsible for the genocide in Darfur. Sorry. Our bad. We'll try to perk it up a bit here.

F.D.I.C. May Borrow Funds From Banks
Turns out that the FDIC is almost out of cash due to a little matter of all the banks failing. Now, desperate for cash, instead of turning to the Treasury Department for a always available line of credit, they're just going to borrow from the banks that haven't collapsed. In a related story, WE CAN SEE THE FUTURE! Don't offend us lest we use our awesome powers on you.

U.N. Climate Conference Opens With Call for Unity
The UN Climate Conference has started with big speeches from Barry and Hu Jintao talked of the need for large action on climate change and pollution controls before the ceremony ended when both simultaneously faked fainting spells when they were directly asked about concrete actions their countries were taking. Whew! That was a close one there, boys. You almost had to mention a concrete plan. Artfully dodged.

Kirk Cameron's 'Origin Of Species' Plan: Ex-Actor To Distribute 50,000 Altered Darwin Books
Far be it from me to mock those who follow the teachings of evangelical former TV stars, after all, I handle venomous snakes for Jesus at the church Alan Thicke started near my house. But isn't Kirk worried that trying to indoctrinate children with a fancifully distorted text filled with lies is going to infringe on what the church does? I smell a lawsuit. Still, I'm sure that altering a scientific text to include ominous Hitler, racism, and misogynist accusation towards the author is what God would have wanted. I'm just a little surprised, I thought Kirk's banana video would have converted everyone who believed in evolution.