Broken News: The Battle of Pittsburgh begins

PITTSBURGH--What had been a peaceful beginning to this week's G20 summit erupted into chaos this morning as various anarchist and anti-government fringe groups coalesced into a massive resistance force reportedly under the command of a single shadowy figure.

These neo-anarchists, known only as the Militant Yinzer Naysayin' Usurpers of Totalitarian Scumbags, staged a stunning pre-dawn Oakland raid that left 14 federal agents dead, with nearly twice as many injured. The assailants reportedly took to removing their victims' ears, presumably to use as war trophies. Some have witnessed these severed human parts being placed between two slices of Italian bread, covered with french fries and coleslaw, and devoured in some bizarre local ritual.

Authorities have instructed citizens to avoid entering the city until the conference has concluded or the insurgency quelled, whichever comes first. Roadblocks and checkpoints have been established at all major points of entry into the city, as well as at both ends of over a dozen area bridges.

Given that preparations for the summit included the forced relocation of known anarchist ringleaders, anyone who still possesses "Ron Paul 2008" campaign literature, and half of the faculty from Carnegie Mellon University's College of Humanities and Social Sciences to a "freedom camp" outside of Blawnox, few anticipated such a unified, successful uprising.

"We weren't prepared for this," admitted man-child mayor, Luke Ravenstahl. "We figured it'd be business as usual: mace a few hippies, arrest everyone from the Thomas Merton Center, and let the cops use their batons to work out any lingering anger over pay disputes. You know, remind everyone how the world really works. This isn't what I was told I had been signed up for."

"I did two tours in Iraq," explained Johnstown police officer Jimmy Armstrong, who is somehow collecting double-pay for his "security" role in Pittsburgh while still drawing standard salary from his home precinct. "But I never saw anything like this, man. This morning, two federal badges got dropped by what looked like frozen shitballs filled with razor blades. Not even Hadji did that!"

Several agencies confirmed the assailants' use of sophisticated improvised weaponry, including the aforementioned weaponization of human feces. Insurgents also deployed what appeared to be several hungry, obese beagles wrapped in homemade explosives and trained to attack Kevlar, as well as the constant, morale-crushing drone of Donnie Iris' music blasting from speakers attached to makeshift dirigibles.

"I just remember how ironic it all was," said Pennsylvania state trooper Ben Hammond while recovering at Allegheny General Hospital. "They were pelting us with rocks while Love Is Like a Rock rang out in the streets. Some poor rookie from Harrisburg who got hit with an IC Bomb screamed out 'Ahhhh' during the chorus to Ah! Leah! That's a damn underrated song, by the way. Hadn't heard it in ages. Now I'm always gonna associate it with watching a man taking aluminum shards to the face courtesy of some dynamite strapped to a sixer of Iron City tallboys."

Hammond paused, wincing as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "Sure, the shrapnel must have tore the kid up a bit. But that was god-damned dirty pool to let that carbonated bilge-water spray into his wounds. These people are without honor."

As the confluence of local, state and federal law enforcement struggled to assert authority throughout the day, Pittsburgh Chief of Police Nathan Harper took to the airwaves.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Chief Harper declared, "This aggression will not stand. If we allow these vagrants to spread their message of hate, MYNUTS will be in the eyes and ears, on the lips of every man, woman, and child within this fair city. If I were MYNUTS, I would come out of hiding and lay myself on the mercy of the courthouse steps."

The success of this morning's attack have given rise to additional splinter groups with no clear demands or purpose beyond organized violence. Police have reported a wide range of rallying cries emanating from the advancing militants.

These included, "Jagoffs fuckin' around on our bridges", "Stillers don't play til Sunday", "LET'S GO PENS! LET'S GO PENS!" and numerous references to national news coverage depicting Pittsburgh as a polluted, post-industrial sinkhole that hasn't existed in any reputable form since the Kennedy administration.

When asked to comment on the damage already caused and the possibility of several more days of violence, a spokesman for the G20 world leaders stated simply, "It's still nicer than Cleveland."